Husband says he wants a divorce

[dragonfly123]

Well just that really, we have been up and down for a while but I didn't think it was that bad. I've kind of been waiting for him to get help with his drinking problem - this is the cause of most of the arguments and that I can't get past that problem, I hate it when he drinks and it shows in my attitude towards him.

Any way he has told that he wants a divorce, he won't move out without money to get himself set up (and in the meantime is treating me like a stranger that has peed on him but expecting me to still play house, I'm still doing everything as I don't want to make things any worse as we have children. I really just don't know what to do, I've set up a meeting at the bank for tomorrow as the mortgage is in my name but I don't want this. I suggested relate but he just says he's done. I don't know what to do, I can't speak to my family about this as we are not close, I want to ignore this but I know that I can't just do that, I think I should go to see asolicitor but it feels like a massive step.

I feel like my world is falling apart, Im trying to keep a brave face on as I have to work and don't want the kids to suffer anymore than they need to. I just want my best friend to talk to and tell me it's going to be ok.
Any advice appreciated.

For me, sorry I'd also think he was maybe an alcoholic, so I get where you are coming from, eight cans a night is a lot. Why do you want to save this? It can't be healthy to be around someone who drinks so much, and it's clearly not your fault. It seems he's unwilling to accept or change his behaviour and would rather be alone with his drinking, so let him.

It sounds as if he is an alcoholic and really, you would be better off without him. That's easy to say from the outside though.

8 cans is a lot. It's more than my DH was having at his very worst, before he tackled his drinking.

Hi dragonfly,
for you.

I've just come out of the other side of this, and am similar to you in lots of ways.
Things I wished I'd known in January :

1. It is not my fault, I can't change someone else's behaviour and I am responsible ONLY for my and my DCs happiness.
2. My once DH of 13 yrs will change beyond ALL RECOGNITION when things don't go his way and he feels life is unfair and I'm no longer paying the mortgage and funding his part time lifestyle
3. Ring EVERY bank account / credit card and make everything SOLELY in your name. He can AND WILL run up debts in your name when he lives alone & money is tight.

Much love from the other side - there's a lovely free feeling here x

Does he work?
Who earns more money?
Why is his credit rating shot?
How much equity is in the house?
Even at a guess?
Who is the DC main carer?
How many DC do you have and what ages?
Do you want to remain in the house with the DC?
Quite often the divorce courts don't want to disrupt the DC so will award the house to the main carer until all the children have reached 18 or are out of full time education. Not always though.
And it may be that you want to make a complete break away from all of this and the house etc... and start afresh?

Sorry but I'm with PP's, he has a cushy life right now, apart from you highlighting his many flaws, so he would probably only be leaving for an OW!

Worth trying to find out before you see your solicitor.

Your life isn't 'falling apart' OP. Your life is just beginning.

You have been living with an alcoholic whose excessive daily drinking affects all aspects of your life from your sex life to your finances, as well as setting a terrible example to your children. Far from taking any responsibility for the way he is, he blames it on you - your nagging, your 'lack of respect' and so on. I'd ask him WTF he thinks there is about him to respect, quite frankly. You are the one who deserves the respect, for keeping it together while he wallows in booze and excuses.

If he has another woman is the least of your worries. If he has, then God help her is all I can say, because anyone taking on his drink dependancy , shit credit rating and blame anyone but himself attitude is hardly winning a prize of any description. On the contrary.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't respect you, he doesn't want to put in any effort to make the marriage work and he has made it clear that he wants out.

You need to stop talking/thinking about him, his problems, what he wants, and focus instead on yourself and your children. Break ups are terribly hard, no matter the circumstances, but as everyone will tell you, you will get through this, you will get stronger, and you will get to a much better place than the one you are in now.

Staying with this man (if that were an option) will change nothing. Take that 'massive step' you are so frightened of and set the wheels in motion to free yourself. Don't let what he says and does control events - instead it is time for you to take control, and to do it with firmness and resolution.

Knowing the reasons for someone leaving you is a massive part of the healing stage and helps hugely to getting over things.
You can send yourself crazy wondering what YOU did and how YOU can fix it. When in fact there's nothing you could have done because DH has already checked out and moved onto the OW.
You see it on here all the time. People turn themselves inside out trying to please, hysterical bonding, councelling etc... when it's all futile because there is an OW involved and no amount of anything is going to change that fact.
It really is necessary, believe me! Knowledge is power.
If you don't know and find out later, you start the whole grieving process all over again!
As a PP pointed out, it also means divorce proceedings can commence sooner.