Husband says he wants a divorce

[dragonfly123]

Well just that really, we have been up and down for a while but I didn't think it was that bad. I've kind of been waiting for him to get help with his drinking problem - this is the cause of most of the arguments and that I can't get past that problem, I hate it when he drinks and it shows in my attitude towards him.

Any way he has told that he wants a divorce, he won't move out without money to get himself set up (and in the meantime is treating me like a stranger that has peed on him but expecting me to still play house, I'm still doing everything as I don't want to make things any worse as we have children. I really just don't know what to do, I've set up a meeting at the bank for tomorrow as the mortgage is in my name but I don't want this. I suggested relate but he just says he's done. I don't know what to do, I can't speak to my family about this as we are not close, I want to ignore this but I know that I can't just do that, I think I should go to see asolicitor but it feels like a massive step.

I feel like my world is falling apart, Im trying to keep a brave face on as I have to work and don't want the kids to suffer anymore than they need to. I just want my best friend to talk to and tell me it's going to be ok.
Any advice appreciated.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Knowing the reasons for someone leaving you is a massive part of the healing stage and helps hugely to getting over things.
You can send yourself crazy wondering what YOU did and how YOU can fix it. When in fact there's nothing you could have done because DH has already checked out and moved onto the OW.
You see it on here all the time. People turn themselves inside out trying to please, hysterical bonding, councelling etc... when it's all futile because there is an OW involved and no amount of anything is going to change that fact.
It really is necessary, believe me! Knowledge is power.
If you don't know and find out later, you start the whole grieving process all over again!
As a PP pointed out, it also means divorce proceedings can commence sooner.

[Fontella]

Your life isn't 'falling apart' OP. Your life is just beginning.

You have been living with an alcoholic whose excessive daily drinking affects all aspects of your life from your sex life to your finances, as well as setting a terrible example to your children. Far from taking any responsibility for the way he is, he blames it on you - your nagging, your 'lack of respect' and so on. I'd ask him WTF he thinks there is about him to respect, quite frankly. You are the one who deserves the respect, for keeping it together while he wallows in booze and excuses.

If he has another woman is the least of your worries. If he has, then God help her is all I can say, because anyone taking on his drink dependancy , shit credit rating and blame anyone but himself attitude is hardly winning a prize of any description. On the contrary.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't respect you, he doesn't want to put in any effort to make the marriage work and he has made it clear that he wants out.

You need to stop talking/thinking about him, his problems, what he wants, and focus instead on yourself and your children. Break ups are terribly hard, no matter the circumstances, but as everyone will tell you, you will get through this, you will get stronger, and you will get to a much better place than the one you are in now.

Staying with this man (if that were an option) will change nothing. Take that 'massive step' you are so frightened of and set the wheels in motion to free yourself. Don't let what he says and does control events - instead it is time for you to take control, and to do it with firmness and resolution.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Does he work?
Who earns more money?
Why is his credit rating shot?
How much equity is in the house?
Even at a guess?
Who is the DC main carer?
How many DC do you have and what ages?
Do you want to remain in the house with the DC?
Quite often the divorce courts don't want to disrupt the DC so will award the house to the main carer until all the children have reached 18 or are out of full time education. Not always though.
And it may be that you want to make a complete break away from all of this and the house etc... and start afresh?

Sorry but I'm with PP's, he has a cushy life right now, apart from you highlighting his many flaws, so he would probably only be leaving for an OW!
Worth trying to find out before you see your solicitor.

[Teabay]

Hi dragonfly,
for you.

I've just come out of the other side of this, and am similar to you in lots of ways.
Things I wished I'd known in January :

1. It is not my fault, I can't change someone else's behaviour and I am responsible ONLY for my and my DCs happiness.
   
2. My once DH of 13 yrs will change beyond ALL RECOGNITION when things don't go his way and he feels life is unfair and I'm no longer paying the mortgage and funding his part time lifestyle
   
3. Ring EVERY bank account / credit card and make everything SOLELY in your name. He can AND WILL run up debts in your name when he lives alone & money is tight.
   

Much love from the other side - there's a lovely free feeling here x

[pointythings]

It sounds as if he is an alcoholic and really, you would be better off without him. That's easy to say from the outside though.

8 cans is a lot. It's more than my DH was having at his very worst, before he tackled his drinking.

[Bluntness100]

For me, sorry I'd also think he was maybe an alcoholic, so I get where you are coming from, eight cans a night is a lot. Why do you want to save this? It can't be healthy to be around someone who drinks so much, and it's clearly not your fault. It seems he's unwilling to accept or change his behaviour and would rather be alone with his drinking, so let him.

[tribpot]

I can see what he's saying that I'm making things worse

How does pointing out that his drinking is ruining his health, your family life and finances constitute 'making it worse'? The problem is him.

[DamePlata]

wow, that's a lot. let him start his new life with his 8 cans a night, in a rented room. I couldn't drink 8 cans of diet coke in one night.

i think you have to make a make from that/him.

[dragonfly123]

Drinks every night up to 8 cans, maybe more of the odd occasion. It is an issue for me, I hate it around the children, it's not what I would want for then. I worry about his health and moan, it affects the finances, I moan. I can see what he's saying that I'm making things worse. Our sex life has suffered. It's not a great situation once it all written down like this.

[AntiqueSinger]

How often does he drink op?

[OohhThatsMe]

I would do anything I could to avoid leaving the house. If you're paying for it and taking care of the children, why the hell should you?

[Bluntness100]

Is the fact you don't like his drinking the reason he's leaving? Usually there is something that causes it but the only thing being articulated here is his drinking?

How much does he drink , because either maybe you have a low tolerance to his drinking and it's within normal limits or he feels so hassled he'd rather be alone with his booze?

[dragonfly123]

I don't think he is seeing anyone else but I have not asked, I have access to his phone if I wanted to.
He's still certain this is what he wants, I asked about going to relate and maybe a trial separation but he seems adamant that he does not want to try and fix things between us.

[2kids2dogsnosense]

Can't offer any advice Dragonfly, but didn't want to read and run. I know you won't feel like this at the moment because you are still in shock, but if he isn't prepared to acknowledge and address his drinking problem, this is the best thing that could have happened for you and your children.

He wants out - he won't pursue you for leaving him, and you and your family won't have to watch him get worse and worse and possibly physically violent.

I do hope you manage to get things sorted out. As you have dependent children I would hope that the court will give their need for a secure home, and the comfort of a familiar school and staying near their friends, precedence.

I do think though that you will find, as tribpot has suggested that there is another woman involved, even if he moves into a bedsit (or whatever) in the meantime.

[AddToBasket]

Is he seeing someone else? So, so sorry to ask but I think it is relevant to how you proceed.

[dragonfly123]

Mrsbert - what is a sealed order?

[dragonfly123]

Thank you for all your advice, I need to get my practical head on and get my ducks in a row, I've had a chat with my manager at work and she's being really supportive.

I will take some advice from a solicitor before I see the bank I think. I don't want anything to affect the credit I have. I do worry that if he gets a lump sum he will waste it, but if this is it then I want a clean financial break if it's at all possible.

He's said tonight that he's found a room to rent and he's going to see it tomorrow, tried to talk to him and he's just being an arse.

I'll ring round some solicitors tomorrow, has anyone been through this? Are there things I need to ask or do I just tell them the situation?

[MrsBertBibby]

Strongly advise that you see a solicitor. The likelihood is that you will not have to buy him out, he'll have to wait for his money. Just as well as he'll drink anything he gets now.

Most important advice, though (and I am a family solicitor) is do not, under any circumctances, give him anything other than under a sealed order in divorce proceedings. Otherwise, he can drink whatever he gets, and come back for half of what's left.

[Trifleorbust]

Sympathy, OP

As you are married he definitely has some claim on the equity in the house, if there is such. Get a solicitor if you haven't already.