Can I ask for your perspective regarding dp and works do.

[Thelastfeed12]

Dp started his own buisness a couple of years ago. It's supposed to 'ours' but it's his. I gave up work to look after the kids so he could focus on it.

It's growing well now and he has a several staff and due to start work there in the new year when kids are finally in school.

Things have been tough as im never out of the house or have a break while he is never in it - due to work. But TBH he tells lies sometimes so I can never be 100% certain he is where he says he is.

The staff Xmas do popped up a month or so back and he mentioned where it was. Its an event night, one ive always wanted to go and actually asked dp if he fancied it, not just your average meal out and drinks (which I've always been invited to) it's costing the best part of £900.

Apparently though partners are not invited. Which is a bit strange as I'm ever the only Partner that goes. So basically it's just 'me' that can't go. I was really gutted when told, told him I was. Apparently there is another works do that i can go on for employees boyfriends and girlfriends, That's a meal in a cheap restaurant. One of the reasons was the buisness couldn't afford it if every one took their partners. (Who of which have never come before)

Today dp took one of his family members to work as he doing some work experience for three days (possibiliy more) and they came here for dinner afterwards. It came up, by accident, that he was now going to the big Xmas do now too - as apparently he 'worked' there now.

And I've just lost my shit.

Dp is saying I'm pathetic and it's just a works do and now he won't go. Which is bullshit.

But I feel it's just another example of him taking the piss and not appreciating me. We had words over the weekend about him not helping with the kids when they are up all night and the tiredness was making me ill.

I gone right overboard and said I've had enough and I want him to move out. He said 'fine - I'll go and I don't come back and it will be all YOUR fault'

It's sounds petty that I'm so upset over this I know But it just feels like a slap in the face and a clear indication where I am in his life and the fact he knew I really wanted to go somewhere and said no to me yet was still inviting others

He has lots of time to himself, he has been abroad twice this year on his own.

What do you think ?

I'm sorry he's become like this. I've been there & it's a shitty way to be made to feel.

You can't make someone love & respect you and it's pointless trying to.

My suggestion would be to tell him that you want a divorce. You will be going for 50/50 shared residency for the children and a decent divorce settlement including the business & to reflect the sacrifice you made giving up your job to support him starting up YOUR business which he is now claiming as his own.

Clearly his eggs has been too well fed!

It wouldn't surprise me one bit if he's shagging his way through the staff.

My company does no partners because of the cost associated, nothing more, nothing less. It doubles the cost, and for those who don't have partners it can make it awkward. I've never heard of a company that said no partners as the staff were shagging each other, I suspect uour take on that is off.

I have worked in a large corporation where they decided one year that no partners were allowed. Mix in free drink and the place was an orgy. Actually it was pretty awful and desperate but many passed it off as a great laugh'.

I'm not suggesting that this is the case OP but clearly you are annoyed that you can't go and you are uncomfortable with your DH going back to colleague's houses. Given what you written about your DH moving out in the past, the text messages and so on, then I would probably think similarly to you.

I don't think though that you have a 'right' to go to this party because you have not been involved in the running of this business, but clearly somebody doing work experience should not be allowed to either, especially if the reasons for no partners was to keep the costs down. I think, if I was in your position, I would get involved in a part-time basis in the company, even a couple of mornings a week. That would enable you to do something outside of childminding which I think is healthier all around I need to do this myself

TBH I'd be inclined to call your DH's bluff and when he says he won't go to the party himself anymore, tell him you can both have a date night, book a nice restaurant instead. Then see what happens.

Long term, there are trust issues and I don't know how these can be resolved other than counselling? It has to be worth a try instead of one person threatening to leave every time there is an argument?

I don't think the OP is married to her OH so legally she won't be entitled to anything if they split if she isn't a partner in the business. OP are you married? Are you officially a partner in the business? Is this position in January an official one, i.e. Do you have a proper offer?

I think you need some proper legal advice if the answer to any of those questions is no as it sounds like you're in a very vulnerable position. Sorry you're going through this.

My ex pulled this one with me years ago. I was invited to the first works night out at his new workplace, but not the second year, which was apparently 'no partners.' What I later realised was that in between those two xmas nights out, he had started having an affair with the 19 year old secretary.

I'm not confused at all by your post - your DP is an arse!

I'm a bosses wife, and this IS totally out of order. Until recently I had never worked in my OH family business - not a single day. But I always get invited to Christmas do's. All our do's are 'no partners', the business couldn't afford it. But my husband couldn't do what he does at work if I didn't raise our child. And like your husband, he does above and beyond the 9-5 all the other employees work.

I'm with Ronald MacDonald, tell him how this is going to pan out e.g. Either you both go or neither of you go. You are in a partnership of life. You are not his employee.

And no he shouldn't be going back to girls houses whether she lives with her parents or not..... it's moronic! He has a wife and children, he needs to grow up.

As for whose name the business is in.... it doesn't matter. You being the home keeper, has allowed the business to be built. You would be entitled to half. My husbands business was a successful business for 50 years before we even met, so my entitlement would not be so great (not that I'm going anywhere... I get an invite to the parties every year). If you spoke to a specialist in this kind of law, I think you would be pleasantly surprised. You would realise that despite your DP not recognising your contribution to the business, the law would.

I do hope you get this cleared up - it's not nice having these kind or frustrations before Christmas :/

You will be working with him in the new year, you are his partner that has supported him whilst he grew the buisness and yet is not allowed to go...yet a relative who is only doing work experience is.....

Remember actions speak louder than words...you are only around to serve his needs and are expected to fall into line.

Your DP is an arse and this coupled with the other things you have said would be a deal breaker for me.

You're not married, not on the papers as co-owner. Sorry, OP, but it is his business. Sounds to me like the Christmas party is the least of your concerns.

On the face of it I think he is reasonable to not invite you. The Christmas parties is no partners. As it stands you are a partner. It looks pretty shit if the boss brings his partner and no one else is allowed.

Personally, my dh never attends my work parties. I enjoy them far more that way. If dh is there I feel like I have to sit with him all night as he doesn't know anyone rather than mixing with my co-worker. I feel pulled between dh and my work friends.

And work experience people are always invited.

At quite honestly since a few of them went back to a girls house I don't really see the problem.

But clearly there is more about this than the mechanics of a Christmas party. Your clearly don't trust him. Wouldn't he be trying to put you off working there in January if something was going on?

I think you need to think about why this has upset you. When you are both calmer, talk to him and tell him why it bothers you. This seems to be more about you not feeling that you are part of the business. I understand. Dh runs our company but it's legally part mine. I sometimes feel out of it, but I have remember that currently I am. I am not working there. It's just a fact.

That people don't usually take partners is neither here not there. They have to decide partners or not. If people inviting partners will cost too much it's actually better to put that rule in place, just in case people decide that this year they will bring their partner.

I agree with Scooby. If you go and other partners aren't allowed, it's like he's saying there's one rule for the boss and one for everyone else. It doesn't look good.

The fact that you feel overworked with the kids, that he lies, that he may have been unfaithful in the past and that your arguments are so out of control that they end up in him leaving is what you should be concentrating on, I think. In view of that, I can see why the party is the last straw. If he hadn't acted the way he had, I bet you'd accept it, but as it is, you see it as demonstrating his lack of care and consideration for you, and the fact that he can't be trusted. Would you say that overall it's a good relationship?

He's the boss, he can say no partners or, as at my DH work day guests must pay.

Sounds to me like your issues aren't so much the Xmas do, more that you don't have a life together and are in a very precarious position legally.

My top tip would be to try to sort both those aspects out. If you've a good and fulfilling life together then you wouldn't be reflecting on how you never go out the house and he's never home. That's your real problem.

Another bosses wife here. The annual party includes partners because the employees work their socks off and it's a thank you to them for their support. I might have influenced this. I am not involved in the business at all but am often invited to social stuff because dh and I are a team and the business knows what I do to keep him and sometimes it ticking over. This weekend is the pulling together of staff Christmas gifts - and letters of thanks - I do that.

I think I'd be calling into work unannounced a few times too.You may get a feel for anything that's going on by people's reactions.
Maybe he could 'lose'his phone and you could 'find'it and return it for example?!
But as you've already had words about the works do he will be alert to the fact you aren't happy with how things are.

I can't see why people are confused at all

Magic etc - this is from OP:

Apparently though partners are not invited. Which is a bit strange as I'm ever the only Partner that goes. So basically it's just 'me' that can't go. I was really gutted when told, told him I was. Apparently there is another works do that i can go on for employees boyfriends and girlfriends, That's a meal in a cheap restaurant

oP, I'd tell your DH you've had a chat with the work experience and unfortunately he can't make it any more so you're taking that place.

I can understand exactly why you're so upset. Staying home and looking after the kids can be the most underappreciated role and lonely too. You were probably looking forward to a rare night out in the company of adults and he cast you aside. This must have hurt so much more after finding out the bloody work experience kid got an invite. Sorry but your oh sounds like a twat. If you're still with him at Christmas ensure you get him a particularly shit present x

I would suggest you get some legal advice regarding your financial position from a divorce lawyer. I am not suggesting you need to get a divorce but I do think you need to know your legal position.
I don't go on work dos and wouldn't invite/inflict them on my DH when I was working. Work experience people were always invited. I think the Christmas do is a red herring - if you were feeling happy with your home life and relationship it wouldn't bother you.

The party really is the least of your worries... he's lied before, he seems to have at least got very close to cheating, and I suspect he's at it again and that's why he doesn't want you at the party.

Previous posters are right that it sounds like the business is legally his and you're in a precarious position because you're not married, but I'd be planning an escape now. You are throwing away years of your life to support an arse.

So the actual nut at the centre of this is that you don't trust him.

Two choices

a/ split properly and for good
b/ decide to trust him, arrange a night out for yourself on the same night with your mates and have a bloody good night and don't give him a second thought.

That's it really isn't it?

If he is going to cheat he will cheat anywhere not specifically this night. TBH I really wouldn't have been arsed if it was anywhere else.

He knows I would have really enjoyed this night as I've talked to him maybe last year about it AND around summer when suggesting Xmas nights out AND when I was working at my old place and they were going but I decided not to go as it was too expensive (few years ago). Granted he didn't book it but he would have been aware I would have more than wanted to go when he realised.

Then last night he told relative who is work experience guy what he has pre ordered on his menu in front of me. Which makes him incredibly stupid or cruel. He tried to laugh it off but he knew he had gone to far.

He refuses to see my point or he does and is not arsed.

He has asked to talk tonight and sent a text saying he loves me but TBH I can't be arsed. Time and time again he shows me how important am but always wriggles out of it when I call him on his shit. Then to top it off he accused me off using it as excuse to get rid of him as I had been doing for the past year ??

Why can't he take you to this event another time or is it a one off thing?

Do you want to get rid of him? If the answer is yes then please refer back to my previous post split for good. If the answer is no then put this behind you and move forward, in the big scheme of your whole lives together how much does this one night matter? Can he take you to something equivalent or fuck it if you really want to go, go with your friends on the same night he can't stop you can he?

I'm a bit confused; if you're the ONLY partner that ever goes to this event then why do you think you should go? Partners change the dynamic and it should be that all partners are encouraged to attend - or none of them are.

The lying is something else. I'm sorry that you're feeling unappreciated, you've obviously had enough now so perhaps you should stick to your guns and get rid of him.

Oh dear this is becoming the line in the sand isn't it
He does know he is in the wrong
You need to really think what you want here
Do you want to go to the party and then start work in the business in the new year? What toke will you have and are you worried that he will be this disrespectful to you at work, in front if the other workers?
Or is this it? No party, no relationship, no job, if so, p,ease get some legal advice BEFORE you talk to him.
You don't need to talk to hm tonight at all only when you are ready

The question is are you going to let him continue to make you feel worthless? You say it has happened time & again, when are you going to tell him enough?

That would really get my goat, OP. It sounds like he is killing your love for him.

Sorry you're upset OP. Giving him the benefit of the doubt for one second - it may be that he feels a hypocrite taking you if he's stated partners can't go. I've no idea what the dynamics are in his company.
HOWEVER, a normal husband would be taking you out to such places anyway, especially as you've told him you're desperate to have an evening out. The company Xmas party would be neither here nor there if he was treating you with respect in general. You have given up your career so he can progress his and he should be more appreciative. He can take you out any time and make you feel special. It's not that difficult.