Is all counselling like this?

[littleredpear]

DH's behaviour last year with an OW nearly destroyed me. We have stayed together. It's been a long year and I was still uncovering lies in September.

He attends counselling, we attend counselling.

However in our counselling sessions I'm not allowed to get angry or try to question his behaviour. It's all about making things work, focusing on happiness etc. I'm not yet ready for one second to let my feelings go. It seems such a waste of time.

He's now refusing to answer any of my questions about the whole thing after his sessions. Instead focusing on making himself happy and us working again as a couple is what he's being told.

I did nothing wrong but here I sit with this pile of shit in my thoughts and I'm not seemingly allowed to speak of his behaviour ever again.

Is this normal? Should I change counsellor? Why can't I be angry and upset?

Good grief OP.
You've had an awful lot to deal with.
Have you had some 'time out' away from everyone?
Just some 'you' time to really think things through and understand what YOU really want?
Do you want to have to keep fighting for all of this?
It sound exhausting and soul destroying.
2 things you could do without, right now.

As someone further up said I think it would be worth having some counselling just for you.

This has not been my experience of counselling. Frankly I was given no advice. She simply offered her view and I reached my own conclusions and decisions.

I remember your thread. It's going to take a long time, if ever, for you to move on from his deceit.

At some point I think you will have to face the option that you cannot move forward with him.

For what it's worth making him happy is all he has done. His happiness is not your responsibility.

Having read the thread since my post I would say Racerback's comments are on the money. Sorry.

So the counselling is geared towards how to move forwards as a couple. Yet you :-

"don't want to be positive, I want to kill him"

You're in the wrong office. Who booked the counselling sessions and why?

I'd ask him to move out. You need time to rage and pace the floor and cut the bastards clothes up. Not a nicey nicey counsellor telling you what you should feel. I feel angry for you, you need answers, details. He really needs to get on his hands and knees and beg you to even think of letting him breath the same air as you.

It doesn't sound like good counselling to be honest

OH and I had an excellent relationship counsellor, she was a psychotherapist I think was her title.

We went for very different reasons but both of us were "allowed" to vent exactly how we felt to each other (anger) and how it made us feel. It never escalated into an argument as she used techniques to avoid that but in my view she was excellent as we both managed to see each others point of view, even though we were both angry with each other.

Lots of questions I hope I answer them.

I booked the counselling, it's all there is local to us. I can't find anyone else without needing to drive for 2-3 hours (we are very rural)
I did ask him to move out, he didn't and I regret it every day.
I do need some me time, I have not got it with two kids and a job.
I have spent a huge amount of time, money and effort this year trying to be better as a couple and a family, it's been lovely but my questions and anger have not left me when I lie in bed at night looking at the ceiling.

Sorry I neglected the thread, I got promoted today and I should be blissfully happy instead I'm in bits as nothing I do any more seems to take this pain away.

Congrats on the promotion

Maybe you could look into counselling over the phone, just for you?

The reason this is so hard is because you don't want counselling. You want him to leave.

I understand that you are searching for answers - but you are flogging a dead horse here. What possible reason can he give you for his affair that will make sense or sound justifiable to you? You know that there isn't one - he did it because he wanted to, because it made him feel better.

If you can't get over him cheating - you can't get over it. No need to keep punishing yourself.

Does phone counselling work? I think that might be awkward but willing to give it a go.

So many times I have put my things in the car. Then I look at my kids and how I would have to let my career slide and my heart just breaks even more.

I wish I wish it was just as simple as leave the bastard. It isn't and I can't. I want to get my life back. I want to work on the pain getting less and I wanted counselling to help me do that.

Sounds like the counselling is papering over the cracks. You need to focus on yourself and get yourself back to your true self. I had spiritual therapy by phone using meditation. It helped me no end. There are no lists for this a friend recommended someone to me. But you can try Meditation as a start, guided by someone who is practiced in Advaita Vedanta teachings.

Does phone counselling work?

Yep - many counsellors work over the phone - here's Relate but I'd advise you do it by yourself as you need some head space:

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/talk-someone/telephone-counselling

I find skype better for rural consults or clients as you can hopefully both see each other
Try that if face 2 face isn't possible

The counselling you're describing is what's technically known as "utter bollocks counselling" OP. Focussing on the happy is the biggest load of bullshit I've read, particularly because of what you have gone through, what you continue to go through, and what you absolutely need to express.

Yes, please pursue your own counselling. In person is best, but if you can't do that, then some counsellors/therapists offer phone counselling. Hopefully you'll find someone who will give you a safe place to feel anger, grief, rage, sadness, happiness - all of it.

Best of luck - and congratulations on your promotion

You mention in the thread that the lies/affair happened a year ago. Do you think the counsellors are taking the 'moving on' approach because of that?

At some point you need to look forward. How much time is reasonable for you to hold the anger and keep bringing it up? I think that's the question you need to think about carefully.

If I've misunderstood and it happened within the last year, then yes, you should be given a reasonable period to talk about and get emotional about it.

How long do you think you will go on feeling like this? If there is underlying anger then it will eat away at your relationship. If you think you can't get over it and the feelings you have will continue, then perhaps you need to be thinking about other options - separating, or finding another way to help you move on, etc.

Yes it stopped on Boxing Day when I showed him what I found but I was still finding stuff until a few months ago.

MsStrictly seems to have hit the nail on the head x

Mom2 you mention other ways, does anyone have any experience of anything other than a counselling approach to this?

It doesn't sound like he's been honest about the affair, you've had to dig yourself which shows he just wants this to go away but without any real work on his part. How can he say that this won't happen again if he hasn't an answer as to why it happened in the first place. This man has made the last year of your life a misery he doesn't get to tell you how to move on. Please don't stay for the children, they are smarter than you think. Having a happy mother is much more important than having things. Some people do work there way out of this, I hope they come on this thread and point you in the right direction.

Congrats on your promotion

Try spiritual therapy. Go to Buddhist or similar centre and find through meditation and spiritual teaching healing. Especially Advaita Vedanta teachings that will show you how your egoic mind is causing you so much pain.
PM me if you want more detail.

Has your husband acknowledged his culpability in all this? Has he blamed you at all? Is he truly sorry?

I can see how you can't "move on" until he is truly remorseful. How can you forgive if he hasnt' asked forgiveness?

I feel for you.

How utterly shit for you, to put it mildly.

Maybe the counselling is showing you that you can't move on with him, can't forgive, that the deal is broken. Because essentially either now or later if you do stay with him, you will have to accept what he did and move on and all the positive stuff.

You sound - justifiably - too angry with him for this. I know it would be a deal breaker for me. You can have a positive life without staying with him. But absolutely be angry and take the time you need to feel the feelings you have. I agree that you would be better with good counselling for you on your own to get through this but I think it will feel less painful more quickly if you are not with him.

Get counselling for yourself, without him.

I found asking someone who cheats to explain themselves and try to understand my pain totally pointless. imo they never want to go tthere because they have to face the pain they caused.

I wish it was just as simple as leave the bastard. It isn't and I can't. I want to get my life back.

It is that simple, OP. It honestly is. This man is not your friend. He's not on your team any more. Rip off the plaster and let yourself heal.

Sounds like my exH.

I didn't make it past 5 months. Couldn't stand it any longer & really, at the end of the day, he wasn't who I thought he was & I couldn't live with that.

As devastating as it was (& it was the most hideous experience of my life), I just couldn't stay with him. The trust was gone & there was no getting it back for me.

I don't know how anyone gets over it & saves a marriage. But those who do, don't get told to move on & try to be happy before they are remotely ready.