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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I leave DH? Long -sorry!

35 replies

ohsmellyjelly · 14/02/2007 13:52

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NotQuiteCockney · 14/02/2007 14:20

It sounds like you are having a very hard time. Is therapy an option? On your own, I mean? Whether you're with him because of issues with your absent father, or leaving him for the same reason, either way, therapy sounds like it might help sort you out a bit.

Original poster

ohsmellyjelly · 14/02/2007 14:53

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NotQuiteCockney · 14/02/2007 16:10

I mean counselling, of whatever sort you can get access too. Although I gather the NHS is big on CBT type stuff, and this sounds a lot deeper than what that's for. I'm no expert on therapy.

Alternatively, is it possible you're depressed? Being totally 'off' sex is not nice for you, and may be a sign of something else?

Original poster

ohsmellyjelly · 14/02/2007 17:47

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BecauseImWorthIt · 14/02/2007 17:53

I would think that the first thing you have to do is have a long talk with your dh.

It's not really a decision to make without involving him - especially if he's such a good dh and father.

Why not try and work out where it all started to go wrong for you? It could be that you've just got into the habit of behaving/feeling in a certain way, and that you need to re-train how you think/feel in certain situations.

It sounds like you have a lot that you can build on, and certainly doesn't sound like you should just leave him without trying to work out if it is salvageable.

NotQuiteCockney · 14/02/2007 17:55

It's expensive, but cheaper than a divorce, from what I know!

I believe a lot of counselling places offer reduced prices for people with income issues. This website lets you search for counsellors by post code. There may be some that are cheaper?

It does sound like a lot of your problems are related to your marriage. Have you talked to your GP about your lack of libido? (I'm assuming you're not masturbating, and not attracted to other people, either?) There may be a medical explanation for that?

Original poster

ohsmellyjelly · 14/02/2007 20:57

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NotQuiteCockney · 14/02/2007 21:01

Oh, ok. If you have been masturbating, and have had feelings for someone else (nothing wrong with that! It's the acting on them that is a problem!), then your sex drive is fine - it is the relationship that is the problem.

What happened when you went to relate before? I do think they can be good, and if things are going to go wrong, relate can help you have a good divorce, iyswim.

Original poster

ohsmellyjelly · 14/02/2007 21:09

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longwaytogoandabitfurther · 14/02/2007 21:15

Relate in our area is based on income - they give you a chart with different incomes and it then gives example of what to pay and asks what you can afford, so if you say £10 a week then thats what they accept.

NotQuiteCockney · 14/02/2007 21:17

Hmm, I think some general relationship counselling might be in order? Well, if you go see Relate, or someone else, for solo counselling, they can decide whether it would be productive for your DH to come in for couples counselling too.

Original poster

ohsmellyjelly · 14/02/2007 21:17

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Original poster

ohsmellyjelly · 14/02/2007 21:20

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NotQuiteCockney · 14/02/2007 21:22

There's nothing wrong with wanting out, there's nothing wrong with not wanting it to work. You're allowed, you know?

Original poster

ohsmellyjelly · 14/02/2007 21:24

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NotQuiteCockney · 14/02/2007 21:26

Of course you're allowed out! It's a marriage, it's not jail! God, poor you. Wanting a stable home life is a good goal, but it's not worth it if it makes you miserable, surely?

And doesn't your DH deserve to be with someone who actually adores him and wants him, physically?

Original poster

ohsmellyjelly · 14/02/2007 21:26

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Original poster

ohsmellyjelly · 14/02/2007 21:27

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Original poster

ohsmellyjelly · 14/02/2007 21:27

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NotQuiteCockney · 14/02/2007 21:32

A tiny part of me hopes that maybe you are unhappy in your relationship because you feel you must stay. Being trapped is never good. If you didn't feel stuck any more, maybe you could be happy?

Original poster

ohsmellyjelly · 14/02/2007 21:32

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NotQuiteCockney · 14/02/2007 21:33

I do think that marriage, over the long term, can become more like a friendship. But not wanting any physical contact is not a good thing at all. You don't want to live your life that way.

Original poster

ohsmellyjelly · 14/02/2007 21:34

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Original poster

ohsmellyjelly · 14/02/2007 21:35

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NotQuiteCockney · 14/02/2007 21:36

No, not attracted ever is bad. I think sex in marriage does go in swings and roundabouts, but disappearing entirely is not good ...

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