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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH and DS's weekends together - I've created a fucking monster

52 replies

Nothavingfunrightnow · 20/11/2016 09:22

We are separated and have been for 16 months. Ex lives with a family member and sleeps on their front room floor. He says he cannot afford to find a place of his own. I have suggested shared accommodation, a granny annex, living with his girlfriend (none of my business, I know, but I am at my wit's end). But he is in financial mess and cannot get his own place, he says.

To make things easier for me, I have let Ex stay at mine when it is his weekend with our son. On the whole we sort of work okay together, however, Ex is unpredictable in his moods and he has caused real upset sometimes for me by doing things like opening my post, taking stuff he thought was his but was mine, looking at my computer history etc.

DS sometimes goes to stay at his dad's. It used to happen more so in the early days of our separation than now.On the whole DS does not like going to stay at his aunt's but he will every now and then.

It works fine if I am seeing someone and I am not going to be home, (I had been for a while) but I want time alone at home without DS sometimes. Ex says that he cannot accommodate our son at his sister's or he has to ask her first - which i accept. Surely that is not my problem, though? If it is his weekend to have DS then the accommodation problems are his not mine! Especially after 16 fucking months!

His stuff is all still at the house (tenancy agreement is now in my name so the house is mine, though he lived here previously) and I want him to stop staying at mine when he has our son and to take all his stuff. If I stop it, he will not have our son overnight - or at least will not have him overnight regularly. He says he cannot take his stuff because he has nowhere to keep it.

I don't want to have to scuttle off to stay with a friend when he is here! I want to enjoy my time alone in my house without my son once every now and then.

So: I have to bite the bullet and tell Ex he cannot stay here anymore and if he wants DS overnight he has to make a plan of some sort. Right?

Help, please What do I do?

OP posts:
Violetcharlotte · 20/11/2016 10:07

Hmmm.. sorry to say this this but I separated from my ex 13 years ago. He's not had his own place since!! After a couple of years of doing what you're doing now, and non stop hassle, I gave up on the idea of DC free weekends and he would just take them out for the day when he could be bothered . They're 17 and 15 now and the boots on the other foot as they can't be bothered to see him when he does call, as they're busy with their own lives. It's a shame, but if you're ex wants to have ds overnight, it's down to him to make that happen. Not your problem!

43percentburnt · 20/11/2016 10:09

Ok sO he's a greedy dad. Will him reducing overnights mean he has to pay more CMS? Did they base it on him having him overnight once a week (at your house - which is actually funny as it Increases your expenditure! You pay bills plus have to pay to go out!

Surely him moving 40 minutes away is why he has to travel.

You are probably still feeling guilty in some way, but he is ridiculous. Sister has to house him, ex has to help him see his child and store his things. Maybe if he sold his stuff he'd have a rental deposit!

Yoarchie · 20/11/2016 10:09

Has your ex got parents that you can give his stuff to?

43percentburnt · 20/11/2016 10:13

If you want weekends child free, invite ds friends to stay. Have a few to sleepover, as a group of 4, once a month and you are bound to get an invite back once a month. Yes chaos once a month, pizza, computer games, a film but your ds will enjoy it, you get to know his friends plus he should get return invites.

Far better 4 kids than 1 miserable ex in your house!

43percentburnt · 20/11/2016 10:16

You hold all the cards here, you really do.

EweAreHere · 20/11/2016 10:18

Consult a solicitor, but you should be able to :

Pack his stuff up and give him a list of storage places.

GIve him 30 days to get it out or you will dispose of it.

Tell him he will have to make other arrangements to see his child.

Olympiathequeen · 20/11/2016 10:18

I'm not sure what you expect to happen if your ex is living in someone else's home and can't afford somewhere?

He maybe a total arse but you do get time to go out and not pay for a babysitter while he is in your house.

Most married couples don't get time alone in their home without children so if DS goes to his aunts some of the time you do get this at least.

Just make sure all your private things are in a locked bedroom so he has no opportunity to snoop.

OFFFS · 20/11/2016 10:20

It's OPs home. It's the one place she shouldn't have to lock stuff away.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 20/11/2016 10:23

Oh boy. This is me. My ex now lives about an hour away so comes here to visit DS. Like you, he regularly goes through my stuff - post, laptop, cupboards. I don't think he likes me either, but at the same time thinks we should be 'friends'. Things culminated this weekend and he became aggressive (massive backstory - he thinks I 'tricked' professionals into giving my son an ASD diagnosis, when in actual fact, DS's 'bad behaviour ' is down to poor parenting on my part).

I've reported his behaviour thanks to advice on here, and I think, for the short term at least, we are probably looking at a contact centre. Hate the sound of it but can't think of another solution - DS wouldn't spend the weekend away and our only attempt at that ended up with him getting a 5am train the following morning to bring him back. Plus all his friends are stoners, and they'd all most definitely be present.

Would be lovely to have time o myself, but the only way it works (or has worked) at the moment is allowing him in the flat while I go out. Not exactly the 'break' I imagined.

HardcoreLadyType · 20/11/2016 10:35

Most married couples don't get time alone in their home without children

Yes, but even I, as a married person, can see that I get "time off" from my DC because DH is also present. Also, I have someone to rely on, if the DC need me to be in three places at once (two, I can usually manage Wink).

You know what you need to do, nothavingfun. Pull on those big girl pants, and tell him he needs to make alternative arrangements. Don't get involved in sorting out his problems "why don't you get a storage facility?" "Why don't you get a house share?" Etc. He is an adult, and can sort this out for himself.

You will probably want to get legal advice on how to dispose of his stuff, though. There must be some kind of legal process you have to abide by. CAB may be able to help, or if you can fork out for a solicitor, that may be best, as it is one step removed from you.

SemiNormal · 20/11/2016 10:36

He maybe a total arse but you do get time to go out and not pay for a babysitter while he is in your house. - and what if OP doesn't want to go out all weekend? What if she just wants to veg out on the sofa in her PJs and binge watch her favourite TV series? I'd hate being forced to leave my own home on weekends because my ex couldn't/wouldn't sort his shit out - it's also an added expense of being out of the house and having to eat out etc.

klassy · 20/11/2016 10:38

If your "free babysitter" is an abusive arse who you can't trust, then they're not "free", you're just paying the cost emotionally instead of in cash.

MN is here for you not, you can do this. Flowers

Thistly · 20/11/2016 10:57

I think part of the problem may be that you are more attached to ex having contact with kids than the exes are..... Let go of thinking that they ought to have contact, for what ever reason that may be. If they want it enough, they will do what it takes to make it happen.

We know that statistically it is better for kids to have contact with their absent parents, but what the statistics can't tell us is the subtleties of how much of an arsehole those absent parents are. Common sense says it's better for kids to have contact with absent parents who care enough to manage this contact well.

But do arsehole parents who use their children to piss their exes off, who want contact because it reduces their child maintenance bill, really bring this supposed benefit to their kids?

Frankly in the extreme cases, where parents remove their children's entirely from the other Parent's toxic influence, how can we be sure that the perceived detriment to the children is because they never see theirabsent parent, or because they had to live with a toxic parent in the first place?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/11/2016 11:03

16 months and he still hasn't sorted his finances/a place of his own yet. What is he, a child?

Listen, while he gets to spend time with your child in YOUR HOME, going through your private things, it costs him nothing financially and you emotionally, plenty. He's got everything he wants, on his own terms.

You know what you need to do. Bite the bullet and give him a time-limit, like from next weekend. If you give him formal notice with a lead-time he's free to do all sorts when you're out of the house. He's already taken things which he's pretended he thought were his. DO NOT give him an opportunity to mess with you any longer.

He has nowhere to take your child from now on? Diddums. That child-free time you wanted so much has cost you dear and will continue to do so until you can gird up your loins and hoick up your big-girl pants. If he throws his toys out of the pram and won't make sensible arrangements to see your child it will be his loss.

Opening your post and going through your computer? You should have kicked his arse out the moment you discovered it. FFS!

SandyY2K · 20/11/2016 11:17

Maybe you should put in your search history

"What to do with an Ex who won't step up and take responsibility"

I suggest in the meanwhile that you password protect your computer.

You can remove the keyboard.
Lock your bedroom door.

Really, just stop letting sleepover. No need to argue, because he doesn't sound too pleasant. Just say no more overnights in your flat.

Do you have a shed to put his stuff in? Not that it should take up your shed space.

P1nkP0ppy · 20/11/2016 11:23

Pack his stuff, tell him it's out on the doorstep and change the locks.
If he kicks off call the police.
You're giving him a free rein to take the piss and that's what he's doing, why should it change when you're facilitating it?

kittybiscuits · 20/11/2016 11:35

Free babysitter - ODFOD!

redfairy · 20/11/2016 12:58

You say 'Merry Christmas- here's your stuff now fuck off'
Seriously he's had plenty of time to sort himself out. It's his job to facilitate contact with your DS. You have more than helped him out.

Cary2012 · 20/11/2016 17:49

If you were married, then I'd start divorce asap.

You won't move on unless you stop him coming to your house.

Tell him that from next weekend he will have to have ds at a relatives. If he doesn't want that then he can collect ds each morning of the weekend and drop ds home in the evening. Not your problem.

Bag all his stuff up, give him a deadline to collect it all. Tell him if it isn't collected it will be dumped. You don't have to suggest storage. His stuff, his problem.

You've been too accommodating, but it now stops. "You can't stay here any more, it doesn't work for me' is all you need to say. No justifying, explaining, nothing. To be honest love, this can be as easy as that.

Original poster
Nothavingfunrightnow · 21/11/2016 06:51

Thank you, everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothavingfunrightnow · 21/11/2016 06:54

A PP made a good point about maintenance and it being reduced for the days that Ex has DS. But he has DS in my house! Uses my laundry detergent, my electricity, my water etc...

Yes, I can see that I am facilitating this entire thing and I think that Thistly is right - I am more concerned about him seeing DS than he is, although I don't doubt for a minute he loves DS. It is just that he threatens me that he will not see DS if, for example, he has to pay more maintenance.

OP posts:
MyGastIsFlabbered · 21/11/2016 07:30

Interesting thread. I was considering suggesting this sort of arrangement with exH but this has made me reconsider. Thanks for that.

Original poster
Nothavingfunrightnow · 21/11/2016 08:51

Don't do it, MyGast! It ain't worth it!

OP posts:
OFFFS · 21/11/2016 10:47

Mygast, seriously, don't do it.

I see how it makes sense for the DCs, goes them consistency and security, and it might seem to work in the short term but in all honesty, you might as well just not split up if you have this arrangement. You still get all the shit and XH gets all the giggles.

HeavenlyEyes · 21/11/2016 11:22

He does not need to set one foot over your threshold ever again. Your home is your sanctuary and he is invading that and royally taking the piss. How bloody dare he. Doorstep handovers only from now on. Anything else is just beyond anything you should facilitate. And if he starts bleating on about the distance well that is his problem - don't you start doing lifts and drop offs because he bullies you into that. And I agree with PP change the locks.

He sounds vile and I am sure once he can no longer use these times to bully you he will prob not bother with half as much contact as he has atm.