Gambling

[FishSauce555]

Boyfriend of 3 years has been a gambler since day one. He tried to hide it at first but it all came out.

It came to a head when I gave him my card to get some cash out and he emptied my bank account. That was about a year ago. Since then i have taken full control of the finances and give him 'spending money'. This works to a point but I know he just gambles it away.

To be honest I stick my head in the sand about it but once every few months it all comes out. When his cash runs out he'll sell things or take out a payday loan. I've said get proper help or that's it so many times but he's just refusing now. He did call game care a few times. He also self excluded from the bookies but refused to do it at the casino.

We get on so well but it's just a constant black cloud over my head, his too.

This week I discovered he's been gambling online. Thousands of pounds, which to be fair he must have won. But I suspect the money came from a payday loan in the first place. He also asked for some cash to buy something online which I PayPaled over. The exact ammout is showing paid into the gambling account. Same day too.

I know now I can't change him or make him get help but I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be lied to either. I'm also getting very resentful of being the one who takes control of everything.

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Stop bailing him out immediately , you are enabling his addiction .

You can't help him and unless he gets help it will get worse .

I lived with an addict (alcohol) and it's soul destroying . It overshadowed everything .

You need to think very carefully about continuing with this relationship , he will drag you down with him eventually .

Most addicts don't accept they need to change until they hit rock bottom. Do you love him enough to hit rock bottom with him? He's not the only fish in the sea so your fears of being alone are illogical.

He gets paid into my bank account so the cash I give him is his. I can't not give him anything, surely that would be abusive?

Your right though it does overshadow everything. He took his car to get new breakpads today. When they called to say it was ready he asked me for the money (The cost of this is supposed to come out of the cash he has access to). Apparently he dosent have any. So I gave it to him. He knew full well before booking it in he didn't have any, because he's gambled it away.

Ridiculous isn't it.

I'm worried about myself financially if he leaves. I'll only just break even, down to the penny.

I'd miss him so much too. I'd be worried for him. He's just got a great job and I know he'd go back to his hometown if he left and the addition would probably spiral.

I thought when he cleaned out my bank account it was rock. It was an awful time. I had to borrow money to keep us going. He really opened up about the gambling and I thought we had turned a corner tbh.

I know now many years ago he ended up living rough because of his habbit. That wasn't bad enough either it seems.

Are you just looking for someone to tell you it will be alright? Sorry, it won't be and I think you know that yourself. How can you expect to build a life with someone you can't trust? He doesn't need to be your problem but it's your choice.

Why on earth didn't you dump him when he emptied your account? I couldn't forgive that.

Don't treat him like a child by giving him 'pocket money' . Make him take control of his own money , if he gambles it all away then so be it , DO NOT BAIL HIM OUT.

I can't stress enough that you cannot help him. He must take responsibility for himself and if he falls then that's his doing. He will take you down with him if you allow this to go on.

Have a google about co dependency , because it sounds as if you are co dependant on each other .

Things might be tight if you go it alone but you will lose everything and I mean everything if you stay with him.

He didn't reach rock bottom when he cleared your account out because there was no consequence for him . You bailed him out so all was well.

This is no way to live. Being alone is better than being a mug. Sorry to be blunt but he clearly doesn't give a shit. The question is - why do you put up with it? Do consider getting some counselling if you can, or look up gamanon.org.uk/ for families / former families of addicts.

You are all right.

Milk I have looked at co dependency and it's spot on. I've never really realised that before...

Problem is if I give him full control we all know what will happen. Then what?

Then you get on with your life . You will manage (I did with a 9 month old , no job and a house in my name only) .

You'd be better off calling it a day now , right now. Trust me, things will get a whole lot worse for you if you stay in this relationship .

If you make a break now you can make sure you have your finances sorted rather than letting him bleed you dry and having to sort out the mess and dig yourself out of debt .

The house bills etc is all in my name. I've made sure I'm as protected as I can be. I work, just had a pay rise actually! Haven't told him that though, says a lot.

Thank you for taking the time to post milk.

Thought I'd check and say I've ended the relationship.

It only happened this morning. I feel sick and can already feel myself wavering.

He would only go if I gave him half the savings. Says a lot.

Well done. You did exactly the right thing. Enjoy your bright future, you deserve to be happy and secure.

Well done Fish
You must be feeling very fragile now, but don't waver, you've done the right thing.

And yes, it was very telling that you didn't let him know about that pay rise! You knew yourself that it was time to break away. You've known it for a long, long time, haven't you? And you've done it! Congratulations!

You are going to look back and wonder why the hell you ever let someone take the piss out of you like this. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but at some point - possibly even quite soon - you are going to get very, very angry when you realise what's been happening to you.

Did he ever pay you back for the savings he stole from you the first time?

It's likely he will go on a bender now, and aim to make you feel that it's your fault. It isn't. Remember the 3Cs:

• you didn't cause it
• you can't control it
• you can't cure it

Time to detach. He made his choice long ago. The only possible choice he could have made when he stole from you was to stop gambling completely from that day forward. But he didn't - he just made a way for you to feel responsible for it. You aren't. Now you're free.

Yes he did but only because I put a strict budget in place and took control of his money.

I am expecting the bender. I'm not sure where he's gone but if it's where I suspect it will only add fuel to my fire of rage. When it comes thst is. I just feel so sad now. He's extremely sweet and loving. The house is so quiet.

Thank you for your posts. I haven't been able to tell anyone in real life yet

You don't say if you have DC with this man yet. What if you do?

He empties their savings?

He sells their stuff?

You have to pay for food, clothing, nappies etc because he has blown all his cash? Worse you have to bail him out then go with nothing so that your DC are fed?

All the time you stay with him he will not hit a bottom line. Not even stealing every penny of yours was enough for you or him.

What is your bottom line?

Sorry missed the update.

Did you take into account everything you had paid out for him and he stole before handing over half the savings?

Pretty much magoria. I've not been left totally ripped off.

Your first post reminded me of why I've done this. The future could well have gone that way.

I probably don't sound sympathetic but I am OP. You are wasting yourself on this person. You are wasting your time. Your money. Your energy. You are doing yourself a grave disservice. Why do you think so little of yourself? Why is (or should I say was) his state of being more important than yours? Why did you take on the role of Helper to this extent? He's abused your offer or need to help .

Its a common female thing though - and alot of women do it or have done it to some extent, including me. But a gambler, in particular, is someone you should never entwine your life with - which is what you originally did by taking his salary to help him control it.

I hope you see all this and how you will be wasting your time and your life with this person.

What kind of things would you like to do with your life in the near future? Have you any ideas? Maybe take some time - I'm not suggesting rushing into anything - but this is an area that I believe will help you. Were you valued as a child? This can contribute - you want to help because you weren't - I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with that (I'm thinking hard on that one), but it shouldn't generally come at a cost to yourself. Especially when your help is achieving zero or less than zero for the other person.