Examples of minor laziness that do my swede in. AIBU to feel resentful?

[HappenstanceMarmite]

Some examples of DP's habits that, at best, irritate me. But on a bad day make me lose my shit:

Leaving rubbish on the kitchen sides instead of putting in the bin.

Leaving a floordrobe right next to the laundry basket. And/or stacking it on top of said laundry basket meaning I cannot put my laundry in there without knocking it all off back onto the floor. This would be clothing he might wear again (jeans etc) but he can't be bothered to put away or elsewhere.

Not doing as I've asked after each of us have a shower i.e. Using a blade over the shower glass and spraying with shower spray, which cuts down on the cleaning time later as limescale does not build up.

Putting teaspoons in the sink after making tea/coffee rather than in the dishwasher which, again, is right next to the sink

Other examples I could mention and most of them along those lines. I have asked many times for him to tidy after himself but it ends up with him getting angry almost immediately it is raised. So I tend to pick my battles with this issue let it fester until we have a row about something and it all spews out in a massive rant

Am I just being a nag bag? Or is he taking the piss? In his defence he works longer hours than me (most of the time) so I accept doing the lion's share all of the housework. What really sticks in my craw is him leaving things for me to do, under the banner of "I would have done it later in my own time" bullshit he would

Should I be more tolerant? I lived alone for over ten years so maybe I'm just set in my ways. He is a devoted partner who shows affection and love all the time, so am I being unreasonable letting this get to me? Prepared to be told I am and that this is what comprise in a relationship is all about. Been living together 3years BTW.

DS (10) will get himself a drink (all good), get us a drink (all good - he makes a very nice cup of tea and is handy with a bottle opener ), put cup / glass into the dishwasher (all good). But he does not close the cupboard door after getting a cup out! Why?! It's seriously no hassle to give the door a little push, but no...

Your DP sounds like a lazy, abusive arse

My XH was chronically lazy and untidy. But he would've never rung me to rant about the dishes. He didn't care about housework but he didn't care if I did it or not either.

I am fuming on your behalf, OP. You work FT AND do all the housework AND clean up after your DP. How dare he ring you and give you abuse over the housework?

He's a twat. Get rid. At the very least, stop doing his laundry.

The phone call about the dishwasher is appalling behaviour. How dare he treat you like his servant?? If my husband even politely 'joked' that maybe it is my job to do dishwasher and not his I would be fuming.

See from your first post it sounded like maybe it was just different standards, like if there is always a bit of a mess then he is fine with that so I thought maybe you could just stop going on about it to him. But from later posts it seems more like he does want a tidy clean home and he expects you to provide this. He not only expects it from you, which is bad enough, but actually thinks it's fine to hinder your efforts by leaving messes everywhere for you. I wouldn't tolerate this.

On top of that, you both work full time ??? Absolutely ridiculous behaviour and expectations from him. He is being a dick.

Also 'making Sunday breakfast' doesn't even count as housework!!! Does that mean you do all the other cooking??? As well as cleaner and laundry doer? What a total pisstake!

Fine to do more at home if you want to, maybe he has a longer commute of something?? ((I'm clutching at straws here to figure out why his f/t job is somehow more important than yours???)) But the moment he starts to get angry that you're not delivering his expectations then that's the time to stop doing any housework for him immediately.

Get rid. No-one should ever speak to you like that. Horrible man.

Op, the way he talks to you is appalling. Someone who loves you should never speak to you in that way. And saying that you were 'sitting on your arse all day' is unreasonable. You work ft, you contribute
financially to the house (I presume), you have every right to have a bit of lazy time on your own and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty about that. You should be ateam. He had NO RIGHT to speak to you in that way.

And no, you're not bad at relationships at all. It's the men you fall in love with who have the problem, not you.

I would stop washing and cooking for him as a start.

That phonecall about the dishwasher shows he sees you as the housemaid.

Just because you work flexibly doesn't make your full time job less demanding.

I would rethink who does what and make him do more on his days off.

I think being asked to clean the shower after every use is a bit much. I wouldn't do that if you asked me.
My OH is pretty messy ( thankfully works away from home 3 nights a week)
I have learned to live with it.

He works far longer hours than me so I don't mind doing the housework. He also does all the shopping and cooking at weekends, but he has never washed the kitchen floor, used the washing machine or cleaned the bath.

Thankfully me and DH do this. Actually he's a bit tidier than me. I wouldn't do anything passive aggressive. Tackle it head on and don't let him use his anger to shut it down. Tell him how it makes you feel when he gets angry

How are your finances arranged? Do you have joint finances or do you each contribute 50% of the running costs of your house? Because unless you have shared finances and so 'benefit' yourself in some way from him being out at work more, I really don't see why working longer hours means that you should do all the housework. If your finances are 50/50 then so should the housework. Otherwise it comes down to the same old thing of it being your responsibility because you're a woman.

I think being asked to clean the shower after every use is a bit much. I wouldn't do that if you asked me.

It's not cleaning the shower, Mindtrope, it's a quick use of the squeegee. It takes all of 5 seconds and helps prevent limescale, as well mould on the rubber lining on the shower screen.

When I started this thread, I suppose I wanted to be told I was BU because it is possible do something about my own behaviour and expectations. I have learned through experience with DP that raising the subject ends with him sighing and then turning nasty (not violent, but shouty). The first time this ever happened we'd been together perhaps two months. Two months of super loved up, passionate, fun, caring real coupley relationship. He moved in after the third date by stealth, not discussed as a permanent option until months later. It just happened because we couldn't bear to be apart. So, one day I had been feeling stressed as it was feeling like I was hosting a longstay guest, rather than sharing a living space. I was doing everything. I sort of blamed myself for this as when we initially met I was very keen to look after him I suppose. But I decided to raise my concerns around having to do everything and I was utterly shocked by his response! He turned in a second, from devoted besotted gushing-with-compliments and platitudes to an angry, snarly bitter man who accused me of being like all women in that we take the piss out of the "decent blokes". 😳 It was all the more shoving because a more loving adoring man I had never before met.

After that incident I asked him to leave as it shook me to my core. He left for a few days but I missed him, the love, having someone so into me after years of cheating piss-taking nasty pieces of work.

And so 95% of the time we have a very loving relationship. We are in tears if laughter over many things and he constantly supports me through work trials and tribulations. My kids think he is a lovely man who clearly cares about their mum.

Somebody mentioned finances - I earn more and have my own property with very low mortgage left. My job is very all or nothing where I can spend hours on the road having to stay away from home and then working very hard at my destination. Conversely, I am able to work from home which means a bit of slacking may go on.

I think being asked to clean the shower after every use is a bit much. I wouldn't do that if you asked me.

It's not cleaning the shower, Mindtrope, it's a quick use of the squeegee. It takes all of 5 seconds and helps prevent limescale, as well mould on the rubber lining on the shower screen.

Yes, this. With a squirt of shower spray that doesn't need wiping off.

I predict an accusation of "cocklodger" within minutes.

Do men do this because their mother's tidied up after them? A warning to those with young boys .

However my DM tidied up after me and my sister, our bedrooms were shit pits though. I can be a bit messy in my own home but it's my mess and I do have tidy ups every so often, my sister still needs our DM behind her tidying up after her though.

You no longer have a cheating, pisstaking nasty piece of work.

But you do have a pisstaking nasty piece of work.

He has groomed a vulnerable woman whom he is now treating very badly.

Get rid, get therapy, develop your boundaries.

I think you have your answer OP. This is much bigger, IMO, than having different standards about housework. YANBU.

Wow. He is a total wanker.

Bloody hell op, this goes beyond housekeeping standards. Perhaps he is the way he is to keep you in your place. He likes being in charge

I'd be tempted to get rid ang get a dog instead. Would be tidier.

"He turned in a second, from devoted besotted gushing-with-compliments and platitudes to an angry, snarly bitter man who accused me of being like all women in that we take the piss out of the "decent blokes"

Sounds like he doesn't much like women to me You deserve much better. He makes you laugh and makes you feel adored which is great but it's not good if those things are interspersed with nasty, abusive behaviour. I'm sorry Marmite

From the initial post I thought it sounded like he needed to pull his weight a bit more so the housework was shared more evenly, but mostly the problem was down to different standards of cleanliness/tidiness. However, from reading your subsequent posts he sounds abusive. Perfectly happy when you're doing everything for him but nasty and aggressive if you don't or if you even try and discuss the possibility of him doing more.

Thank you everyone. I've asked for this to be moved to Relationships as the thread has evolved in more of a relationship issue 😊

Tlhere was a very long running thread in Relationships where a woman was questioning her relationship because her husband didn't wash out the cafetiere. Initially it seemed like a very petty control issue (her controlling her environment) but gradually it was clear that she felt completely let down by this man in many many ways, and he couldn't give her what she needed on many levels, or more importantly they weren't able to communicate what they needed from each other. It was not about the cafetiere at all.

I'm really really sorry I thought you were unreasonable to start with. Either there is some trigger to this (did he choose a strong organised woman to "love up" and ultimately antagonise, on purpose because of some childhood pattern where he was treated badly or observed someone else being treated badly. He may not acknowledge this, hence the violent outbursts when you challenge him) or he is just plain unreliable. You cannot live with someone who is like that, even 5percent of the time. It is going to get worse. Most people get easier to live with not worse.