Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband is a teenage boy.

29 replies

user1479512536 · 18/11/2016 23:51

Hi all,

I am really at the end of my tether with my husband. He cannot do anything independently and behaves like a teenager.

I will ask him to do simple tasks like make a phone call, hang the washing up, pick some milk up on the way home. 95% of the time he will 'forget' to do what I have asked, and it has got to the point where I am actually in utter disbelief when he does do something!

He will ask me to help him with silly tasks like 'help me load the dishwasher', 'help me give our son a bath' or 'can you check if our sons dinner is too hot?' It is so frustrating because I feel like these are things he should be able to do independently.

We had a massive argument tonight because I have been asking him for a month to ring up student finance to organise a grant we need for his course. He has to do it because the account is in his name, so I can't ring them and sort it myself. Every time I ask him to ring them he says 'I will get round to it' - but he never actually does! It is driving me insane. He misses appointments because he 'can't remember' when he was meant to attend them.

It really is like living with a teenage boy. I have to instruct him what do to, most of the time he doesn't do anything I've asked, he watches porn frequently and neglects our sex life.

I am sick of feeling like I live with a teenager.

OP posts:

Muddlewitch · 18/11/2016 23:56

Sounds really frustrating, I would really struggle to maintain feelings for someone if they acted like that, you must be at the end of your tether.

How long have you been together? Was he always like this or has it got worse recently? How old is DS? If quite small I wonder if he is vying for your attention, not that that justifies at all and is still just as bad, but have known some men do that when children come along.

It doesn't sound like you get much out of this relationship at all.

pallasathena · 19/11/2016 09:13

He's passive, needy and highly dependent on you or anyone else who will sort out his life. He's very likely irresponsible and as you also note, a bit of a porn addict.
Question is, why on earth are you with him? Is your self esteem so on the floor that you really want to be tied to someone like this for the long haul?
In addition, he's a hopeless role model for your child and you deserve much, much better than this. As does your child.

temporarilyjerry · 19/11/2016 09:15

Does he hold down a job?

ElspethFlashman · 19/11/2016 09:18

Oh God, I just couldn't live with him.

And he's a parent?!

SugarMiceInTheRain · 19/11/2016 09:21

So is he a student then? Can't see him holding down a job if this is what he's like with simple everyday tasks. No way I could put up with such a ridiculous manchild. He'd be out on his ear til he proved himself capable of acting like a grown up. The porn on its own would be a huge problem, even without the other teenager behaviour. Has he ever lived on his own or did he move straight in with you from his mother's house?

YvaineStormhold · 19/11/2016 09:22

XH was like this.

Note the 'X'.

prettywhiteguitar · 19/11/2016 09:24

It's a lot easier living without them than trying to change them

DoItTooJulia · 19/11/2016 09:24

Get an A4 picture of you framed. And one of his mum. Hang them next to each other so he can tell the fucking difference between you.

Trifleorbust · 19/11/2016 09:36

By chasing him to do things, you are actually enabling him. Just leave them undone. If he doesn't sort his course grant make that his problem. If he doesn't hang up washing, do your own washing and leave his. If he doesn't pick up milk, allow a temporary situation where there is no milk until he does to occur. Yes this will cause some pain for you on the short term (get yourself some secret UHT milk) but it will mean he begins to understand that you are not there to harangue him into behaving like a grown up, and that there are consequences to not doing things you need to do.

Original poster

user1479512536 · 19/11/2016 09:59

Thanks for your replies.

He has been 'working' for 2 years, one of the jobs he quit after 2 days (he decided it wasn't for him) and the other job he was at for little over a year (it was only part time 3 days a week).

I would just leave him to it with the simple tasks like Triflerbust suggested, but some of these directly affect me and our son too. For instance, as he is not working at the moment and is in full-time education (he is training to be a teacher) our only income is the money he receives from student finance. So this £2,000 grant would make a big difference to our income.

He just came in now and asked me to look after our son whilst he rings student finance. I am currently sat here doing work (I make a small income working from home). I'm like 'well can you not ring them whilst our son is playing?' I don't know what he thinks I do when I need to make a call during the week and our son is present?!

OP posts:

ofudginghell · 19/11/2016 10:29

Literally let him deal with his own forgetfulness.
This was one of the things that used to drive me mad with dh.
He would forget anything and everything even sorting his own bills.
In the end I told him I wouldn't be reminding him or doing his own finances phone calls etc in future as I felt like his mum and it's not very desirable. I pointed out I don't need him to remind me of things and that there is a large planner on the kitchen wall. If he chooses not to look at it that's down to him.

I stepped away and I really don't remind him of anything and if I do it's only the once and not again. He's had the odd cock up with insurance and a monthly bill he forgot to pay and a dentist bill as he missed an appointment.
When he mentioned the above things each time I just said oh bugger and changed the subject.
I now don't feel any responsibility and remind myself he's a grown adult. He can't really argue or moan about it can he??
Would make himself look and sound hideous if he did lol

YvaineStormhold · 19/11/2016 10:32

I tried that ofudginghell.

Was working well until the time the bailiffs visited our house while we were thankfully on holiday.

Or the time a big burly plasterer turned up on my doorstep demanding I pay him there and then when I had two kids at home and no cash in the house.

It's exhausting.

Original poster

user1479512536 · 19/11/2016 11:16

It really is driving me mad.

Please tell me there are men out there that don't behave like this.

OP posts:

ChuckGravestones · 19/11/2016 11:18

Yes there are. I suggest you give yourself a break and go find one.

TKRedLemonade · 19/11/2016 11:30

Yes or course there are men out there that are not like this, they are called grown ups. Find one.

ShebaShimmyShake · 19/11/2016 11:36

Mine doesn't. They exist.

bagpussboots · 19/11/2016 11:41

I'm sorry you're going through this

It's called tactical incompetence. He sounds exactly like my immature STBXH. In my experience they never change. You have two options, accept it or start making plans to leave.

YvaineStormhold · 19/11/2016 11:41

Yes, they do exist. I now have a DP who is actually that, a partner. Not a dead weight.

The difference he has made to my life is immense. He is like this as, as far as he is concerned, he is merely acting like an adult.

ofudginghell · 19/11/2016 11:44

I've never had the bailiffs luckily but if I did I think I'd have tied him up and beat him with a stick at that point.

Did that incident not frighten him enough to realise he has a family to be responsible for???god i would be seriously questioning his ability to be the man of the family or would he rather go home to his mum???

Just as a thought does he have a mother that bleats about how annoying it must be but then always wades in and pulls him out of the crap?my mil used to be like that for a good few years we were married and eventually I just got sterner with both of them.

It came to a head a few years ago when he rang mil asking for money to pay a car bill as he'd ran out and I refused to help.
I txt her and said I had refused to help as I'd already bailed him out that month and that I'd had enough now so unless she wanted him back at home forever she needed to step back and let him be a man.
My fil also told her the same and it worked.

Tell him that unless he starts growing up he's out the door no negotiation there as you've had to deal with his lack of responsibility for too long.

cosytoaster · 19/11/2016 11:50

he is training to be a teacher) ha ha ha - how the fuck is he going to cope with that - you need initiative and great organisational skills to succeed as a teacher.

I actually don't know how you can bear to live with him, he needs to shape up or ship out.

Glastokitty · 19/11/2016 11:59

Hell no, they aren't all like that. I'd run like the wind, mainly because I'd find someone so useless totally unattractive.

Original poster

user1479512536 · 19/11/2016 12:10

Don't even get me started on the teaching thing. Obviously I am hoping and praying he will pass the course but he has an inability to be organised with anything. We just had yet another debate/argument this morning, here is the transcript of our conversation:

DH: I wanted to do work today for my course.

Me: Okay, but you agreed to look after our son today as I have to go and assist my mum at her business. We also have plans with friends this evening, why didn't you get up early to do your work?

DH: I get up at 5.30am every morning for my course, I wanted to have a lie in.

Me: Well you can't really complain then can you? You should've set an alarm and got up earlier. Tell you what, if you get up early tomorrow I will look after our son until you are finished.

DH: But I don't want to have to get up early and do it all in one big chunk. It's my only chance for a lie in until next weekend. I wanted to break it up over the weekend. I though you would've understood that I wanted to break it up?

Me: I'm not a mind reader?! How am I supposed to know you wanted to break it up? You aren't always going to be able to do things as you wish, you have a family. You need to get up earlier or use your evenings wisely.

Can you understand my frustration? This is a daily occurrence. He still hasn't rang student finance this morning so I doubt that will be getting done. I'm just sick of it. It really is like dealing with a child.

I feel as though I am trapped because of our son, I don't want to break up the family and have him growing up with separated parents. But it is looking like that will have to happen, I can't live like this forever.

OP posts:

Eolian · 19/11/2016 12:52

Good god, what a waste of space! And he's training to be a teacher?! If he doesn't have the motivation and basic life skills to deal with his own day-to-day life, how on earth does he think he will cope with being a teacher?

Cary2012 · 19/11/2016 12:59

He won't cope with teaching if he's so needy. The PGCE year will break him.
Seriously it will.

I couldn't have any respect for a guy like this. Was his mum always waiting on him?

ofudginghell · 19/11/2016 13:13

Detach yourself from the frustrating things.
Maybe look at finances and make sure yours are covered but tell him none of his share of personal bills will be covered from xxx date unless he sorts out the finance and then leave him to deal with it.
Do you have separate accounts and bills?if not I would be opening a separate account and starting to shift things around so your covered with finances.

Flip

1 2