My family are blaming Dh for my illness.

[GrabtharsHammer]

I have bipolar and some other MH issues. I was in hospital this week.

When I got home I received a long text from my sister saying that she doesn't think Dh does enough to support me and that they want to take over my care. She said they (her and my mother) think he needs to push for more help for me and also take better care of me sonindint end up in hospital again (I've had six admissions in the last two years).

She also complained that he doesn't update them regularly enough and they feel pushed out.

Dh works full time in a stressful and senior role. He comes home and does the bulk of the childcare and housework. I can no longer drive so he does all the ferrying around if our three DC. He often leaves work at the drop of a hat when I'm ill, and has time off to take over with the kids when I'm in hospital. He treats me like an absolute princess, checks in with me constantly to gauge my mood, deals with the fallout from my illness (we have serious debt for eg and he works from home every evening and weekend for overtime).

In ten years, and despite my often appalling behaviour, he has never even raised his voice to me. He is honestly an absolute superhero.

His parents are a huge help, they take the kids to school when needed and his mum cleans for me when I can't.

My family have never visited me in hospital. They rarely come round and only phone occasionally. Whine I'm ill, Dh juggles looking after the kids, working when he can and letting people know what's going on. They feel that he doesn't keep them updated enough. They never phone him to find out what's going on or offer any practical help, but feel that he isn't pro active enough in keeping them in the loop.

My sister said that if he was more in the ball I could have avoided hospital this week. In fact, if he was any less on the ball I'd be in hospital far more often.

I don't know why they have such a low opinion of him and it hurts. He is absolutely gutted that they feel this way and is talking about going nc with them.

I don't know how to proceed. I'm deeply offended by the text, I have replied basically saying what I've said here and she replied to that saying she just wanted to be sure he is good enough for me. Tbh that has just compounded the offence I've taken. I don't feel that they need or deserve to be updated with the minutiae of my illness, I am an adult and taking control of my illness with the support of my Dh.

How would you deal with this? I don't want to go nc necessarily but I am furious on DH's behalf.

Ugh, I just wrote a long post and it got eaten.

Basically, I've only been diagnosed in the last few years. Historically I've just been seen as prone to depression and self destructive. I had a pretty chaotic life before meeting Dh. , homeless as a teen, drugs, sketchy life basically. Then a short lived abusive marriage. Since being with Dh my life has been turned completely around.

I think I've strayed outside my assigned box and ruined the family dynamic.

How dare you. Get back in that box!

You have good insight.

I would further distance yourself from your family. At least until they can be a force for good. At the moment, that is not the case.

all your problems aside (and I don't mean that facetiously, not trying to minimise them or anything) why should your poor DH who already has SO MUCH on his plate now have to contend with being judged and criticised by people who don't even contribute to your care? They are not respecting either of you.

If he wants to go NC you should be supporting him in this. He doesn't need this crap on top of everything else he is doing to keep his family afloat.

Do you stick up for him when they say these things? Have you told them that their bitching is not on and that you won't give it airtime?

Oh yes, I absolutely stick up for him. I replied to the text straight away telling her exactly how much he does to support me.

And I agree, it's horrible for Dh. He actually took himself off upstairs for a cry (he doesn't know I know that) after I showed him the text. I wish I hadn't shared it tbh but he does have a right to know. His immediate reaction was to think he should be doing more. Now he's just hurt and angry.

It would be wiser to shut it down in future and not entertain any debate about it. They contribute nothing therefore they have nothing to say that you will listen to.

I've given it a lot of thought today and I think we're just going to disengage for a while. I know my illness must be worrying for them and everything but I have three children who need to be my priority and I have all the support I need from DH and his family, and those in my family who offer real support.

I feel quite sick about the private clinic suggestion, again I'm sure it came from a good place but it's such a Victorian method of dealing with me that I can't see how they thought it was the right thing.

"I know my illness must be worrying for them"

No, I think that your own family of origin could not care less actually about you. You think that of them because you want to think they do care. They haven't been of any help to you or your family whatsoever. They also have a complete lack of empathy hence the suggestion of the private clinic made by your sister.

They criticise your DH unnecessarily and do nothing themselves to help you and your own family unit now.

You are right in one respect; you certainly do need to completely disengage from your mother and this nasty sister of yours as of now.

I agree with previous posters, Attila in particular, regarding your family of origin.

You are their entertainment, sorry. If you get better, then that goes away. (I sincerely doubt that they would ever acknowledge any sort of recovery that you might achieve- intermittent or not.).

Their behavior towards you is patronizing, insulting, minimizing and degrading. They stigmatize your illness. They want control so they can have you committed. Beware. It is a power play.

No contact is the correct answer. Trust your dh. And follow his lead.

Best wishes for you to stabilize as soon as possible.

I don't think they're worried about you either. Instead they are trying to orchestrate problems with the one reliable support you do have and that's your husband.

If you have therapy be sure to mention how your sister and mum treat you as investigating this may be crucial in understanding how you feel about yourself.

I've actually done a lot of work in therapy on boundaries which has been really helpful. I think my sister is being used as a flying monkey here and probably thinks she's being helpful.

She's a lot younger than me and is currently very much the golden child. I'm not blaming her particularly for this as I think she's caught up in something she doesn't really understand.

They're really screwed up, but I think you have answered your own question about why they don't like your lovely husband (by the way, could you clone him for a few of us please?) because they had decided during your earlier life, that you would be the one who wouldn't amount to anything. They had you nicely labelled, could judge and patronise you, and in some warped way, this made them feel better about themselves. I was always labelled the 'thick' one in my family of high achievers, at best I was teased, at worst told how dumb I was. This was because I was a lazy mare at school and under achieved. When I finally, in my late twenties knuckled down, took A levels at night school, went on to do an OU degree, then trained to be a teacher, I didn't get the praise I felt I deserved, I got snidey comments and sometimes still do, because I no longer belonged in their 'thick' box.

I'm telling you this because I think the same has happened to you, you've turned your life around, and rather than be so pleased that you've done this, and give your husband the credit he deserves, they resent you.

It's hurtful, really hurtful.

I would go lc for now, review in 6 months time, then consider nc after that. You must do the best you can cope with because your MH depends on it. Don't let any of them drive a wedge between you and hubby, because your priority is your relationship with him. Tell them the minimum you need to. Instead of being proud and happy for you, they are out to cause problems, due to their own issues. Try if you can to let the comments wash over you.

Thank you.

Interestingly my other sister has stepped out of her box and been punished for it as well, her role

God I hate this phone.

Her role was as the sensible one, and she was the golden child, until she ditched her husband, threw herself into her career and gained a lively social life. My mum went from singing her praises constantly to expressing her disappointment in every conversation.

I think I'd tell them that you feel extremely lucky to have the husband you do and you don't want to hear (or read) another negative thing about him from them.

In actual fact, they should be thanking him for the way he steps up and takes care of everything. My mum thanked my DH for buying me a car, never mind if he did all the things yours does.

Would they apologise to him if you asked them to?

They are really out of order. DH has supported you through thick and thin. He's one of the good guys.
It's a bit of a shock to realise your own family can be actively bad for you. Particularly when the ILs are being sensible and modelling a dynamic you don't have.
I would let DH avoid them. He doesn't need their stress too. If he cracks you're all up shit creek. Make sure he knows you disagree and disengage from them as much as you can bear.

God I hate this phone.

I don't think it's your phone. It's this site. I only ever loose stuff on MN and I use a few others.

There's an old phrase from the Bible "by their fruit you shall know them".

If someone consistently makes you feel like shit, winds you up and stresses you out - they're not a nice person, no matter how much they say they love you and are only looking out for you.

Dh is so low this evening. He's had such a hard week, he had the very real fear that he could lose me, spent the night by my side until the early hours, went home, got the kids to school, went to work until lunchtime, came back to the hospital, did school pick up and then came back to hospital that evening. He did the same the next day although on slightly more sleep, and again the next day until I was discharged. In between he was in text contact with everybody and had to drive to pick his parents up to sit with the kids while he visited me. He's exhausted and now feels like shit that my family think he's not doing enough. He's done all of this without complaint.

I am furious. I obviously feel very guilty for putting him through all that and even worse that I've inflicted my dysfunctional family on him to boot.

He has said he feels like writing an email with the timelines of the last week and sending it to them. I don't think that's a bad idea but don't know whether it will achieve much.

Is there any way you both can get some paid help to relieve him of some of the work? It sounds like he's doing an awful lot and that's not sustainable long term. Just reading what he does sounded exhausting, so he must be drained.

It won't work. They won't be swayed by logic will they? They can't be letting facts turn them from their self appointed role as arbiters of what's best for you. If it isn't this week, it'll be this year, the last 2 years etc etc.
They want to blame somebody because it can't be them. And he's a handy person to blame.

I can totally understand why he wants to send that timeline, but honestly OP, I think it's a waste of time. He's rising to their bait, which empowers them. I'd just ignore. You two know the truth, why bother justifying his time to people who have an axe to grind?