I have bipolar and some other MH issues. I was in hospital this week.
When I got home I received a long text from my sister saying that she doesn't think Dh does enough to support me and that they want to take over my care. She said they (her and my mother) think he needs to push for more help for me and also take better care of me sonindint end up in hospital again (I've had six admissions in the last two years).
She also complained that he doesn't update them regularly enough and they feel pushed out.
Dh works full time in a stressful and senior role. He comes home and does the bulk of the childcare and housework. I can no longer drive so he does all the ferrying around if our three DC. He often leaves work at the drop of a hat when I'm ill, and has time off to take over with the kids when I'm in hospital. He treats me like an absolute princess, checks in with me constantly to gauge my mood, deals with the fallout from my illness (we have serious debt for eg and he works from home every evening and weekend for overtime).
In ten years, and despite my often appalling behaviour, he has never even raised his voice to me. He is honestly an absolute superhero.
His parents are a huge help, they take the kids to school when needed and his mum cleans for me when I can't.
My family have never visited me in hospital. They rarely come round and only phone occasionally. Whine I'm ill, Dh juggles looking after the kids, working when he can and letting people know what's going on. They feel that he doesn't keep them updated enough. They never phone him to find out what's going on or offer any practical help, but feel that he isn't pro active enough in keeping them in the loop.
My sister said that if he was more in the ball I could have avoided hospital this week. In fact, if he was any less on the ball I'd be in hospital far more often.
I don't know why they have such a low opinion of him and it hurts. He is absolutely gutted that they feel this way and is talking about going nc with them.
I don't know how to proceed. I'm deeply offended by the text, I have replied basically saying what I've said here and she replied to that saying she just wanted to be sure he is good enough for me. Tbh that has just compounded the offence I've taken. I don't feel that they need or deserve to be updated with the minutiae of my illness, I am an adult and taking control of my illness with the support of my Dh.
How would you deal with this? I don't want to go nc necessarily but I am furious on DH's behalf.
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My family are blaming Dh for my illness.
GrabtharsHammer · 18/11/2016 08:12
OP - you've been through so much. How excellent that you have such a star for a husband.
Your parents sound a lot like mine - it gave me a little kick in the gut to read about your husband crying about the text your mother sent. Mine has done exactly the same - and my mother knew exactly what reaction she wanted to provoke.
Please listen to previous posters - your parents don't "worry" or "care" about you at all. It's all for their entertainment and control, so don't feed their drama - they don't have your best interests at heart. Keep your immediate family close to you - they're the ones looking out for you now.
Wishing you strength 
Dear family,
I need to explain that your negative comments about my lovely, supportive DH, and your suggestions of solutions for my MH, such as clinics, are unhelpful, upsetting and actually detrimental to my health. I'm sure you'll understand my need to now keep a bit of distance, as I cannot afford to allow anything which makes me feel worse. Please trust me when I say DH is looking after me, and has been the most wonderful support to me. If you can't trust me when I say this, we have a problem.
Best wishes etc, OP
Could you send them something like this, and show DH what you're sending? It will show him where your loyalties lie, and that you are not going to be swept away from him by your overbearing family.
Hi GrabtharsHammer,
I also have Bipolar and, whilst everyone's needs are of course very individual, can reassure your lovely-sounding husband that what he's doing to support and encourage you is absolutely spot-on.
This is for him ---> 
PPs have given wise advice re handling the situation with your family; seems like involving yourselves and DC with his parents is the best, and healthiest, way forward.
Enjoy your family night!
So you know about the role of the family scapegoat, right?
It could be that your successful marriage has changed your role (as the family loser) and they (aka your mum) have to fight to get you back in the scapegoat role allotted for you. I imagine your success doesn't compute with your family...
Really, I would dismiss what your (flying monkey) sister has said. It doesn't come from a good place. Apart from anything, you are an adult woman, a mother, a wife; it is inappropriate that your primary family are insisting they take over your care.
Your mother sounds to be a very disordered woman. ime of a similar primary family dynamic: in the interests of my MH I ultimately chose to go low contact with my parents and NC with my siblings (that may not make much sense on paper but this is the best thing for my MH). NC can be painful so pull on your therapist to work out what, if any, future contact with your family will look like. (Interestingly, I am now high contact with my parents, who are very old and need care and support. It has taken me many years of therapy to get to this point but I now gladly support and care for them. I am however always mindful of my MH and would pull out if appropriate.)
Your husband sounds wonderful. God bless him (and you)
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