Fuck the fuck off. When does the anger subside?

[Hoppityfuckingvoosh]

H and I separated about 6 weeks ago. I say separated-he's moved out and we're currently in counselling to try and "fix" things. Long story short is that he no longer loves me but wants to. He's been detached for the last year and a half and I'm sick of carrying everything and searching for scraps of acknowledgement that he cares.

Counselling is just an infinity loop of shit. Ive explained myself til I'm blue in the face and in tears, but it does no good. I don't want much: I want to know that he gives a shit. I want basic intimacy. I want him to be engaged in our lives and show-through actions and words-that I'm important to him.

According to everything he says, I am important. I do matter. Why then has he not even checked that I'm ok following surgery on Monday? Not a single fucking text. Nothing. He's been in contact with DS and could have easily asked a simple "how are you?" But he clearly cannot be arsed.

I'm so angry and hurt. why am I spending all this money on counselling when he's lying? He has no intention of putting the effort in, does he? I'm wasting my time and setting myself up for constant disappointment.

When does this feeling of anger go? I hate how he makes me feel. I hate him for making our life together seem like a ridiculous waste of time. I know exactly what he's doing: he's going through the motions so he can tell himself he tried and not take responsibility for his part in the decline of the relationship.

Can someone talk me down please

Who says you are making his life complex? Maybe he is making yours complex by not accepting you as you are?

He is the one who has fallen out of love. You can't be expected to live with someone who doesn't love you. If you break up it is not your fault. He's a grown man and will have to find an affordable place to live just the same as you.

Your son won't be unaffected by the atmosphere, even if you are managing to keep civil. When things are decided and you can present him with the new situation, rather than uncertainty, he can start to settle down again.

You will cope, and things will work out, one step at a time.

You are not responsible for what happens with his rent. He has admitted he doesn't love you anymore. I'm sure he would like it if he did, because then his life would be 'simple', but that isn't the sentiment of a loving partner, who would be thinking about you and not himself.

He's an adult, he's made a decision. therefore any consequences are his to deal with. Don't waste your energy on worrying about him ffs - sort your own life out, and that of your child, he can bugger off

It sounds like he is blaming you for his detached behaviour. He is making you out to be the bad guy and, I am assuming here, leaving you feel very confused and frustrated. TBH it sounds like EA. It also sounds like he there is someone else

Don't waste any more of your time, energy or money so that he can guilt-proof his future OP.

Counselling is bollocks if you ask me in these situations, mediation maybe but he just doesn't want to and no counselling in the world is going to make him care.
Save your money and buy wine

Totally, Or new clothes or something else you'd like. You will feel much better for it. Grasp life and move on. You are worth far more than this, honestly

Sorry, bold type fail.

I would ditch the counselling - sounds like most of the responsibility for trying to save the relationship is being put on to you ( counselling is mostly about "his needs and wants") when he is the one who is no longer in love and brought you to this pass. The counsellor should be concerned how your needs and wants are being fulfilled. It seems like counselling is trying to get you to do "the pick me dance" - running in circles desperately trying to fulfil your H's needs and wants while he can sit back an act the injured aprty who needs to be made up to.

I think your instinct that he is using counselling so that he can leave and not be the "bad guy" is right. He can say the decision was mutual or that after counselling "you decided" to split. Don't engage - start to detach and gets your plans in order. Don 't worry about where he will live - not your problem.

Completely agree with kaitlin - let this waste of space go and move on.

Thank you all for your words. It's comforting to know that this all isn't just in my head.

I'm done. I have no interest in this shit anymore. The sooner he's out of my head, the better I'll be.

You'll look back and be glad you did xx

Good. I would say leave him alone. Imagine being in his shoes with you demanding what he doesn't want to give. Stop asking for it. Think of the power this must give him.
Take back your power and detach then see what happens.
Be aware that he is probably cheating and that's why hes so detached.
Its the same old I love you but I'm not in love with you shite,
Read the script then you know what to expect. Seems to me he wants out but doesn't want to look the bad guy. Don't play along get angry and get rid. Do not text or speak to him again unless you really have to.

Are you paying his rent at the moment, then?

Hoppity, similar situation and I was going to post asking how to get angry and stay angry.

Separated just over a month, I asked H to leave as he had anger issues.Since leaving I've tried to see if we can talk but I feel he has checked out.

I thought we had made progress but last week he removed his wedding ring and then I got a divorce petition (which admittedly I had asked him to kick off weeks before).
So why am I so upset and not angry?? Why can I just take onboard that this man was not meeting my needs and move on.
Like you, we could be good together IF stuff changed but that isn't happening so logically I know it's not going to work but my heart says keeping trying.

I would definitely stop engaging, I found more progress if I backed off, it's a common theme for some relationships, pursuer chase and makes other person back off even more.

I have committed to myself that I will not take another initiative until he shows some progress.
I know I can be happy on my own but giving up on this seems such a waste as should be fixable.

However it's only fixable if he is prepared to meet my needs which he doesn't seem to be.Maybe we feel rejection which is holding us stuck??

Counselling has focused a lot on the rejection. I feel so, so rejected and lonely as everytime I tried to initiate intimacy/show I cared, it was never once reciprocated.

I now don't try because I don't want to keep feeling like there's something wrong with me.

I've asked/begged/explained in counselling and out that I'm not interested in the big gestures; all I need is the small stuff that shows I matter. He can't even do that. He clearly doesn't love me.

I just don't understand why he won't come out and say it/end it. Why does he insist on persisting with counselling/chat/time together? why does he continue to lie to me saying g that he's hopeful of reconciliation? His words don't match his actions and I can't work out why he's doing this.

I wish there was another person. I suspect he's interested in someone else. I genuinely don't think he's cheated but, to be honest, I no longer fucking care. Fuck him.

He probably doesn't have the courage, or doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' he's probably just waiting for you to make the decision for him then he can feel all sorry for himself. Pathetic tosser

fuck the fuck off
That's what you say to him next time you see him.
The words 'flogging a dead horse' come to mind. It's time to move on girl and find someone who is emotionally able to show you and your Ds the affection you want and need.

Oh hopity I know exactly what you're feeling. I'm going through something similar yet we aren't doing counselling. I am the same as you and wish I could just let go

It is cruel really. He's stringing you along. If there is someone else in his interest then your really are backing a losing horse.

Really look at you. You should really go as no contact with him as possible and focus your efforts on you. Make you happy.

But it's hard and you just stick around hoping they will change their mind - because you want it for u & the family life. I'm in you're scenario at the moment and when he's gone I can't seem to cope with the loneliness - low points.

Mine would never actually admit that he wanted out, to me, even when he'd been with his OW for over a year. Even when I asked him nicely in a way that did not put the blame on him. It had to be me who decided it was over. (I thought he was just considering an affair, but they'd been in seedy hotels, going on holiday etc. all that time.)

Partly they want you to make the choice, as they don't want to be the baddie - especially if they are doing something that is obviously nasty.

Look up "cognitive dissonance": we all see ourselves as being nice people, so when we are doing something nasty to our partner we look for an explanation for why a nice person would do that - and our brains tell us that it must be because our partner is so horrible and deserves it. He doesnt want to be the bad guy who falls out of love and dumps his wife, so he's in denial about what he wants, and busy blaming it on you.

OP and Alice, it does hurt but you cannot effect change on someone else's actions, only yours.

You can talk it to death but the position will be the same. Alice, my dh suddenly felt very different when I decided I wasn't interested in staying with him. I told his dad to come and collect his stuff as I was tired with being strung along. Strangely once he saw I was moving on he was desperate for us to stay together.

Just don't be passive, what does he feel, want etc. ..who cares. What do you want. What are your choices. You're not asking for much, even a pet dog would be pleased to see you, give yout affection etc. Currently you're getting exactly nothing from him.

I think you answered your own question, hoppity:

I just don't understand why he won't come out and say it/end it. Why does he insist on persisting with counselling/chat/time together? why does he continue to lie to me saying g that he's hopeful of reconciliation? His words don't match his actions and I can't work out why he's doing this.

I'm also worried about H too. Where will he live? He can't afford to rent on his own.

He's stringing you along purely for logistical reasons. The longer he can keep YOUR roof over his head, the better. He will say whatever it takes to buy him more time.