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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ive torn my family apart (MIL related)

72 replies

Mildinsanity · 16/11/2016 12:15

I need to get this off my chest, Im devastated for my DP right now and I dont know how to fix it.

There is a long backstory which is religion based and I dont understand a lot of it so to keep this shorter:
DP was brought up jehovahs witness, got baptised then decided he no longer beleived... due to this he has to be shunned by his religious family.
His mum did however keep in contact and basically broke that rule.

I get on really well with MIL we often go over there for tea and chats, I dont believe in her religion and up until yesterday fully respected her rights to believe what she likes, we often discussed her beliefs as I have a curiousity in religion not as a believer but I have a general interest in religion, as an aside JWs like to try and convert everyone its one of the things they are taught and I dont see the harm in letting MIL try and convince me if it makes her happy.

Anyway we were there sunday and as usual me and MIL were just chatting and we were talking about how I couldnt do it because I couldnt give up certain things required and she was saying how its not like that no one will push the rules and I stupidly brought up the fact she breaks the rules herself with having contact with DP, to which she said the congregation knows about her contact and the rules arent broken just bent, We left it like that, all nicely hugged bye as usual.

Last night DP and I got home to a letter from MIL saying she had thought about what I had said and I was right she is breaking the rules and cant do that anymore so she is no longer able to have contact with DP.

DP is devastated, he has had over 4 years of contact he shouldnt have had and this is a complete shock.
I dont know what to do, if I hadnt said anything this wouldnt have happend.

I spoke to SIL who cant believe her mum would do this and she is angry.

I also rang MIL she is very sorry but stands by it, she can keep in contact with me but not DP, she reiterated that I was right but she doesnt blame me its her fault for breaking the rules in the first place.

DP doesnt blame me but I feel awful, its all my fault.
We are planning our wedding and MIL was very involved so have to re think everything.
He lost his dad years ago and now had to face losing his mum and I dont know how to help him.

I want him to be angry with me.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 16/11/2016 16:31

It's not your fault. If she wants to cut her son out of her life, that's on her.

I don't understand a religion that imposes their views on their children and basically places conditions of worth on their children.

I wouldn't maintain contact with her if she doesn't want to have a relationship with your DP.

Original poster

Mildinsanity · 16/11/2016 16:37

Baroness he was disfollowshipped, very interesting about your DB I dont know if DP is able to fake it as it were but may be a conversation we will have.

OP posts:

Blu · 16/11/2016 16:41

OK, I do think you possibly went a bit far with the liberal acceptance of the fact that she is part of such a family dividing religion in the first place, and you were humouring and accommodating her, so you ended up exposing the 'broken rules' or hypocrisy. If you hadn't been humouring her and allowing her to spend so much time trying to convert you to something you were never going to countenance, you are right, it wouldn't have happened in this way. You were, if you like, being 'to nice' - and this can have dangers.

But of course what she has done is not your fault. She is a woman who has chosen to pin her loyalty to people and beliefs that can separate her from her own child. That is 100% her responsibility. It was pretty bad, really, for your DH to know that all along she was seeing him as a sort of dirty secret, rather than with pride. Who wants to be put in that position?

Also, it is no doubt true: this would have happened as a result of the public profile of the wedding. She would have come under heavy pressure and done this just as you were about to get married.

Better that it is all sorted now.

Horrible though it is for both you and your poor DH.

IF she comes round and makes contact again I would say that you will be close with her but there will be no talk of religion - she will have to accept that you have different views , and drop trying to convert you.

ummizoomi · 16/11/2016 16:57

This is beyond ridiculous and I feel so sad for your DP.

I am Muslim and lived my private life very separate to my family life for years. (Easy due to the fact I live in a different country to my parents). Then I fell pregnant and the father of my baby isn't Muslim. I was so scared my family were going to disown me and I was going to be all alone without any family support.

What my parents have taught me over the last 2.5 years is love is unconditional. They have rallied around me and my DP and showed us so much love and support. My parents treat DP like their own.

My point here is religion should push people out! That's ridiculous. Religion should encourage someone to love one another without judgement.

Don't beat yourself up about it. This was something waiting to happen. Her 'religion' sounds more like a sect than a religion.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/11/2016 17:08

I'd certainly do my best to promote contact between your DH and his DB. Without your MiL.

ClassmateHB · 16/11/2016 17:13

DPs family were JWs, until his parents divorced. Thank God. Because it is a hugely restrictive religion - and I'm fully respective of religion - but DP remembers being infant age and having to door knock, sit in the car for long periods for meetings, no Christmas, no birthdays. He is completely atheist now and won't even come to a Christian church as a family for a christingle service. It's such an all or nothing religion, and so sad for people when contact is lost.

The80sweregreat · 16/11/2016 17:47

I agree with Autumn.
Its sad, but your not at fault here.

DoubleCarrick · 16/11/2016 20:06

Hi op I've just had a chat with my husband. He said there is a massive difference between leaving and being disfellowshipped. Dh said there's possibly more to the story from mil/dp. My dh obviously isn't a JW any more but we are happy to seek advice from MIL if it helps.

Dh suggests that it might be worth getting your MIL to talk to an elder to reassure her that there is nothing wrong with associating with your dp. It's normal for friends to cut contact but not family.

Happy to chat further if it helps

Cakeycakecake · 16/11/2016 20:32

Can I ask if nobody minds... how difficult is a relationship with a witness? I'm not one, am seeing one who hasn't been to meetings in a year.
What little I know of the religion, I feel uncomfortable with being that it seems to exclude when times are hard- for example divorce is only allowed if adultery I think I was told??
Sorry op, didn't mean to hijack. To your situation, I'd say let her come back when she will. If she doesn't, I see no reason for you to have contact when she is severing ties with her son. Sorry, it must be really hard

springydaffs · 16/11/2016 20:43

Very enlightened post, SeaEagle.

One side of my family is crawling with JWs. It is a cult.

My guess is she will be in bits.

(slightly boggled that a pp says this shouldn't be happening 'in this day and age'. Are we more evolved than anyone ever in the history of the planet then? This shit is no respecter of generations, it is age-old; and if JWism dies a death, something will take its place, regardless how sophisticated we think we are.)

springydaffs · 16/11/2016 20:44

You won't be able to persuade her though, sadly. Vice-like grip we're talking here

Softkitty2 · 17/11/2016 15:24

Any religion that teaches you to shun anyone let alone family because of different POV is no good in my view.

This is a mother choosing her religion over her child. Where is the sense in that? Her son has not committed a crime he just has different opinions and that is ok.

Cherylene · 17/11/2016 15:43

slightly boggled that a pp says this shouldn't be happening 'in this day and age'

Springydaffs - I did not say that it shouldn't be happening - I said I am surprised it is tolerated. As a poster said upthread, it is 2016 and we are supposed to be able to inform and educated ourselves. However, JW is just the tip of the iceberg. There are other groups where people are born into this and never have the opportunity to do this or get out into the world (or even marry someone outside, so this dilemma is not even available to them), yet we tolerate it and even support it.

Arfarfanarf · 17/11/2016 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stonecircle · 17/11/2016 16:43

One of DS's best friends at primary was a JW. He wasn't allowed to come to DS's birthday parties or outings (birthdays not celebrated) or take part in Xmas activities at school. Poor kid. Vile religion.

flumpybear · 17/11/2016 18:32

Perhaps try penning a cleverly worded letter to dig into her psyche and try to untangle the indoctrination - you can't be blunt as this gives fuel to flames
Perhaps seek advice from a psychologist with a background in 'reaching' indoctrinated people with success :::: it's worth a shot

Anatidae · 17/11/2016 18:43

How cruel.
And why keep contact with you? To me that says she is hoping dp will be so upset he will come back and you will convert.
It's a cult, an awful, cruel cult.
Tell her you stand with your dp, no matter what, and for that reason you can't see her.

Glastokitty · 18/11/2016 03:13

For all those asking why the mother in law is happy to have contact with the daughter in law, but not her own son, its quite straightforward. In the eyes of a JW a non believer is a potential convert (and will suffer in great tribulation if they don't convert), but someone who has been in the church and chosen to reject it is pretty much the anti-Christ. Having said that, when my parents split up in the 70s my JW mum left the church too, as they told her she should stay with my dad (who was abusive). After a few months of her family not speaking to her it was all forgotten about. Strictly speaking she should have been shunned, but I don't think its really expected of families, which of course is even more hypocrisy.

SeaEagleFeather · 18/11/2016 07:27

About contact with her, I think you need to do what's bearable for you both, whether that's no contact at all or you staying in contact with MIL

I'd be tempted to think that keeping some contact might have a better chance of softening her in the long run though.

Underthemoonlight · 18/11/2016 07:47

I always think if religion is that important that it try's to dicate extended family members being a part of it or being excluded,it's not worth believing. Everyone has the right to choose what they believe in but that up to her if it's at the detriment to her relationship to her son you can't change people but I would imagine she will come to regret it later on.

Dadaist · 18/11/2016 22:49

Hi Mildinsanity
Honestly? Anything could have triggered this - it's all totally fucked up thinking, fucked up morals and fucked up mindset. It's not your fault. I think your DP knows full well how fucked up this is and you really shouldn't validate it any further by going over ifs and buts. I hope you both manage to rise above this cruel stupid divisive philosophy. Good luck with the wedding!

springydaffs · 18/11/2016 22:59

If only, flumpy..

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