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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ive torn my family apart (MIL related)

72 replies

Mildinsanity · 16/11/2016 12:15

I need to get this off my chest, Im devastated for my DP right now and I dont know how to fix it.

There is a long backstory which is religion based and I dont understand a lot of it so to keep this shorter:
DP was brought up jehovahs witness, got baptised then decided he no longer beleived... due to this he has to be shunned by his religious family.
His mum did however keep in contact and basically broke that rule.

I get on really well with MIL we often go over there for tea and chats, I dont believe in her religion and up until yesterday fully respected her rights to believe what she likes, we often discussed her beliefs as I have a curiousity in religion not as a believer but I have a general interest in religion, as an aside JWs like to try and convert everyone its one of the things they are taught and I dont see the harm in letting MIL try and convince me if it makes her happy.

Anyway we were there sunday and as usual me and MIL were just chatting and we were talking about how I couldnt do it because I couldnt give up certain things required and she was saying how its not like that no one will push the rules and I stupidly brought up the fact she breaks the rules herself with having contact with DP, to which she said the congregation knows about her contact and the rules arent broken just bent, We left it like that, all nicely hugged bye as usual.

Last night DP and I got home to a letter from MIL saying she had thought about what I had said and I was right she is breaking the rules and cant do that anymore so she is no longer able to have contact with DP.

DP is devastated, he has had over 4 years of contact he shouldnt have had and this is a complete shock.
I dont know what to do, if I hadnt said anything this wouldnt have happend.

I spoke to SIL who cant believe her mum would do this and she is angry.

I also rang MIL she is very sorry but stands by it, she can keep in contact with me but not DP, she reiterated that I was right but she doesnt blame me its her fault for breaking the rules in the first place.

DP doesnt blame me but I feel awful, its all my fault.
We are planning our wedding and MIL was very involved so have to re think everything.
He lost his dad years ago and now had to face losing his mum and I dont know how to help him.

I want him to be angry with me.

OP posts:
diddl · 16/11/2016 13:26

I'm also interested in how MIL can keep contact with you but not him, Op?

Is she trying to pull him back in somehow?

Would she be allowed at the wedding even?

It beggars belief, doesn't it how this can get such a hold on people?

Cucumber5 · 16/11/2016 13:28

Your mother in law has chosen to break the family up. I would probably try one last ditch attempt, maybe a letter saying something about god not turning his back on sinners and how as a mother she shouldn't either, also that you have always been led to believe that her god is kind and forgiving. I would not have contact with my MIL if she turned her back on my DH.

AlexaTwoAtT · 16/11/2016 13:32

How wonderful that her "religion" should be so fully focused on love.

Pfft

coffeetasteslikeshit · 16/11/2016 13:34

It's not your fault, please be kind to yourself Flowers

knowler · 16/11/2016 13:37

You can't fix this - and you shouldn't be trying to. You do, however, need to be there with your DP to support him at this frankly horrific time - his 'd'm has (again) put the JWs above him. This is how you help him.

This is her choice. No one else's. I think you're actually giving yourself a bit too much credit if you think you have brought about this situation - it is purely MIL's decision, plain and simple.

As for maintaining contact with you and not your DP, the very suggestion disgusts me. How a parent could do this to his or her son is beyond me.

You need to be strong now, for your DP and for your own family unit. MIL has chosen not to be part of that any more and that's up to her. Concentrate on yourself and DP and I do hope that your wedding is a joyful occasion.

Original poster
Mildinsanity · 16/11/2016 13:37

thank you all, I feel bad but you are right it is her decision, I just wish I never said anything as the status quo was working fine.
I just hope she does one day realise the mistake she is making.

To the posters asking why Im allowed contact, Ive never been disfellowshipped or even a believer therefore I believe she feels I am able to be converted and with our contact I will hopefully realise "the truth" and then work on converting her son back.

I have always respected others beliefs but I cant get my head around this one.

DP is understandably upset but is agreeing with you all that it was probably going to happen at somepoint.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 16/11/2016 13:43

Definitely not your fault. But I would make it clear to her that if she chooses to shun her son that my place as his wife is firmly by his side and that I would no longer have any contact with her. Same would go for any children we have or may have.

It's easy for her to shun him if she knows she has you to keep him in her life vicariously.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 16/11/2016 13:44

Even if she did Come around later, I wouldn't be so forgiving. What type of mother turns their back on their own child because a cult religion tells her to. A shit one, that's what. She did this, not you OP.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 16/11/2016 13:46

I suspect she's only been able to have contact because of the chance of converting you and that she's relayed your conversation to someone in her church, which has led to them forbidding contact. I feel sorry for her in a way, though of course sorrier for your DH.

But it is 100% not your fault.
Not your fault
Not your fault
Not your fault
Not your fault

SeaEagleFeather · 16/11/2016 13:47

I feel that in a way, she's made very much the wrong choice but that she is under huge pressure because this is what she was taught is right - to shun lapsed JWs. If she's been part of it all her life, then she has decades of this drummed into her. It sounds like she believes to her core that she is acting wrongly by continuing contact. Just as in previous centuries people were taught it was wrong to not punish children physically in some circumstances.

In a way it's not her fault either and she has to be hurting.

I honestly don't see any blame on any of you three here, only on the damn belief system.

Elphame · 16/11/2016 13:49

Not your fault - if you hadn't said anything there is always a chance that someone else would have.

She has made her choice - her religion over her family. I would support your DP and also not see her.

JinkxMonsoon · 16/11/2016 13:50

She's only going to keep in contact with you, not her son, because she thinks she has a chance of converting you? Wow. But not surprised. That's JWs for you.

I wonder whether she's only visited these past few years because you showed an interest and gave her false hope that you'd cave in one day and embrace JW life.

Bambambini · 16/11/2016 13:51

I'll never understand how folk can let a religion with these cruel and unnatural rules dictate how they treat the people they love / especially their children. At least your family will be different and any children you go on to have won't have to face this.

I can't respect people who live their life like this. Good luck OP!

Floralnomad · 16/11/2016 13:51

Is your SIL a JW and how does she fit into the situation ? Absolutely agree with everybody else and its utter madness on her part.

Bambambini · 16/11/2016 13:54

And i find it hard to feel sorry for a mother (or father) who makes this choice.

P1nkP0ppy · 16/11/2016 13:57

Certainly not your fault op, it was just a Matt of time before she had to chose.
We've got ex-JW friends and I struggle to understand the beliefs they hold.
Please don't blame yourself, she's a grown woman who has to live with her decision, as painful as that may be for you and your family.

P1nkP0ppy · 16/11/2016 13:58

Matt of time?
Matter of time fgs!

noeffingidea · 16/11/2016 14:03

I have no sympathy for your MIL, it's 2016 and this is a society where we are all free to educate and think for ourselves. This is a deliberate choice she has made.
I would also go noncontact with her and explain why. You and your fiance are partners and if she doesn't see it that way then tough on her. Same goes with any children you may have.

noeffingidea · 16/11/2016 14:12

seaeagle I disagree. At some stage people have to take responsibility for their own actions rather than blame it on their 'belief system'.

Cherylene · 16/11/2016 14:13

We have strict religious groups (not JW) round here that are very closed and dictate what people do with their time and money and shun them if they leave. It is bizarre that it is tolerated in this day and age Confused

I am sure it is not your fault and responsibility. She has probably kept contact in the hope that you are interested and will bring him back.

I also think that as people get older and the world changes around them, they start to cling to what they know, and begin to stick to the rules of their religion or culture, where once they would have let them go. This can be a good thing where it invigorates your life, but a bad thing when it flies in the face of common sense.

I don't know where shunning comes from - it is nowhere near my list of Christian values Confused

fuzzyfozzy · 16/11/2016 14:36

I'd have to reply to that.
Thank you for sharing information about JW, however a religion that prioritises itself over family is definitely not for me.
We fully accept your decision to prioritise your religion over your son and so neither of us will contact you again.

Atenco · 16/11/2016 15:01

Yes, something along the lines of what fuzzyfozzy says. Though I would say that as her son is so heartbroken by her decision, you could not possibly keep up contact as long as she takes that stance.

Original poster
Mildinsanity · 16/11/2016 15:58

thank you everyone, its sinking in for DP now so I think its gonna get worse before he gets better.
Thankfully he already sees a counsellor so will get the help he needs and I will support him in anyway I can.
I havent told her I will keep in contact, she seemed very upset herself so I lost the bottle but I have left it clear that I am unhappy with how her religion dictates how she treats her family.
At this moment in time I have no intentions of keeping contact.

SIL was never batised so never joined the religion as it were, she is very close to DP so I called her straight away as she also maintains a close relationship with MIL to see if she'd been told of her mums plans, she hadnt been aware and is furious with her mum as she knows its going to divide the family.
DP also has a young brother (teen) who still lives with MIL they lost their dad a few years ago so DP brought his brother up, this is going to make contact very difficult.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 16/11/2016 16:09

I would be very tempted to tell her that your own sense of morals and principles mean that you are unable to continue contact with her. That you are sad to have to exclude her, but her current behaviour leaves you with no alternative.

Give her a taste of her own medicine.

BaronessBomburst · 16/11/2016 16:11

Was DP disfellowshipped or just disassociated?
This happened between DB and DM. I was never baptised.
DB spent a year grovelling to get reinstated, faked it for a few months, and then disassociated himself solving the problem so to speak.
But, at the end of the day, it's her decision to behave like she does.
I shall bite my tongue and not comment further.

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