Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Is this friendship with another man fair on my DP?

68 replies

kerstina · 16/11/2016 10:52

Background is I have been with my DP for 23 years . We have a good relationship . He is a nice guy who I always felt was good for me . He makes me laugh ,is reliable and is always there for me . I am a people pleaser and I think I am a good partner in that I try to make him happy . I am emotional in that I am prone to anxiety and he is more cool and stable so it has seemed to work .
However I lost my dad three years ago ago at the same time I had struck up a friendship with a man as we both had puppies . He made no secret that he seemed to think I was the nicest girl he had ever met and because I was pretty low at the time he was like a breath of fresh air . He lifted my spirits we seemed to become each other's therapist as we both suffered from low self esteem and him with depression.I felt sorry for him as he was homeless and living in a caravan . I have found him work and generally nurtured him so that he says he has never felt happier . I feel I have found a soul mate and he has finally realised we will only ever be friends after a bit of a roller coaster ! . He smokes cannabis and I don't want to lose my DP . I just know we are better as friends . Am I being completely unfair to both of them by wanting them both in my life ? DP has been tolerant up to now as he saw how attached I got to him but said you are not going to replace your dad with a man you met in the park . He now wants me to not see him. I can see all round all the arguments which is as usual making it hard for me to know what to do . I know they both love me .

OP posts:

Offred · 16/11/2016 13:49

Well, TBH if I was going to say LTB to anyone it would be to your DP and the OM.

Original poster

kerstina · 16/11/2016 13:53

I do let him walk away I don't go after him believe me . I talk to him again when he decides to seek me out again as I have always been firm we are friends so why would I blank him in the park . I have been consistently a friend to him. My feelings of missing him were what confused me and I now realise where I have gone wrong . Caring about people too much he deserves to be happy though. I didn't realise how thoughtless and selfish I was being but I did realise that if either of them had of had more self esteem they probably wouldn't have put up with the situation .

OP posts:

Offred · 16/11/2016 13:53

You are hurting him much more than you ever could by walking away by over-investing so much into him as though you are his partner, by telling him he is your soulmate and by keeping him dangling in hope your over investment means you reciprocate his feelings and will leave DP.

You only don't want to break up with him because it will make you feel bad.

And you are being grey when it suits and black and white when it suits.

Offred · 16/11/2016 13:55

And this;

I did realise that if either of them had of had more self esteem they probably wouldn't have put up with the situation

Is why you should leave both of them.

Original poster

kerstina · 16/11/2016 13:59

I certainly am not enjoying the drama . I have a lot of stress in my life at the moment and I really do not need anymore . My mum has dementia am going through the menopause and have lost half a stone in weight and ruined a recent holiday abroad by getting into an anxiety state . I should have walked away at the start but I was too nice to say get lost .

OP posts:

HarmlessChap · 16/11/2016 14:15

You are happy to keep a relationship with another man which your DH finds deeply concerning and that is unreasonable. When you gave your wedding vows did you promise to forsake all others? Because you aren't doing that here.

This OM loves you, he will be hoping that your feelings for him will change to romantic ones and that somehow you will end up together, that's just human nature, your DH clearly worries that too and the fact that you are unwilling to face up to that will no doubt be fuelling your DH's concerns.

If you carry on as you are then there is a fair chance that your DH will leave, and then the OM will have a shot at picking up the pieces so I'm sure he's going to hang in there, hoping.

You really need to choose between the two, decide what or who is important to you and face facts that the longer this situation continues the more harm it is going to do to your marriage.

As has been said if your DH had a female friend who was in love with him and he started describing her as his soul mate I think most normal people would feel deeply uncomfortable about that too.

Offred · 16/11/2016 14:17

I should have walked away at the start but I was too nice to say get lost.

And yet you call him your soulmate and say that you get things from him that you don't get from DP.

Original poster

kerstina · 16/11/2016 14:22

Yes but I didn't know him then did I ? I am not married by the way DP never wanted to until August this year he proposed . I wonder why .

OP posts:

Mondegreens · 16/11/2016 14:28

so why would I blank him in the park

You could avoid the park entirely, you know. Assuming he's no longer homeless, you do still make it sound as if he's hanging out on some park bench all the time, waiting for you? I assume there are other places to walk both your dogs.

Are you normally this passive? You just seem to be defaulting now to presenting yourself as a passive victim of circumstances being 'too nice' to tell the man to leave you alone etc, not being proposed to until recently, as if you had no say in the matter after your original post presented you as heroic rescuer of someone homeless. jobless and troubled.

Bluntness100 · 16/11/2016 14:32

Ah, honey, I thought you were much younger, it was the " nicest girl I ever met" bit so the menopause threw me.

Cmon, uou know better than this, you're not a girl you're a grown ass woman, a middle aged one at that ( aren't we all) so stop playing games with this poor guy and your partner.

Original poster

kerstina · 16/11/2016 14:36

Yes all my life I have been too passive and it has taken this OM who I have been completely myself with to make me feel good about myself . I got cross with DP that he didn't realise how upsetting it was that some of my friends were on second marriages but he had never proposed . Me and OM are the same but we made each other feel like we were better than we felt about ourselves. I think it's called a co dependent relationship .

OP posts:

Original poster

kerstina · 16/11/2016 14:40

I am not playing games but I know I am having some sort of mid life crisis .

OP posts:

Mondegreens · 16/11/2016 14:42

OK, well, you know now. You need to make yourself feel good about yourself, not rely on external validation. And passivity is a choice. You are sounding like a passenger in your own life. If you wanted to marry your partner, why not propose to him? It's 2016, not the mid 1700s. Marriage is neither an obligation or something eternal, as your friends' marriages demonstrate.

Take some control over your own life and responsibility for good choices and poor ones, and end for once and for all this situation where you're sitting like the damsel in the tower being fought over by two knights - it's particularly pernicious for someone passive like you, because it makes you think of yourself as a choiceless prize to be fought over by other people, not someone with active choices of her own. Plus, it's pretty undignified.

Offred · 16/11/2016 14:42

I'd be willing to hazard a guess that you have stuck at an unhappy relationship with DP and now got yourself into a mess with this guy.

I think you should leave them both. Neither seem good for you.

Mondegreens · 16/11/2016 14:43

And yes, do you actually want to marry your partner? Because it doesn't sound as if you like him much....?

Thisisacting · 16/11/2016 14:47

Agree, you seem to have more feelings for the man you meet in the park than the man you live with.

I've never heard of 'soulmate' being used to describe anyone other than a romantic partner.

SandyY2K · 16/11/2016 16:51

I've never heard of 'soulmate' being used to describe anyone other than a romantic partner.

I agree.

You're having an emotional affair whether you want to admit it or not.

I think your DP has been patient because of the circumstances under which you met the man.

I can't think of anything more insulting than my husband trying to get me to be friends with a woman who is in love with him. That's a damn cheek to be honest.
I think I'd consider that the final straw.

I don't think you've answered the question, despite being asked a few times how you'd feel if the roles were reversed.

Imagine your DP continously going to the park to meet a single woman, who had declared her love for him.

You clearly have deep feelings for the man, otherwise it would be a non issue.

I also agree that your enjoying 2 men who love you and it's stroking your ego.

SandyY2K · 16/11/2016 16:57

And pulling him back when you know he loves you iand you can't offer more is cruel. It might be your intention, but no contact is best for him.

Flip

1 2 3