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Original poster

Is this friendship with another man fair on my DP?

68 replies

kerstina · 16/11/2016 10:52

Background is I have been with my DP for 23 years . We have a good relationship . He is a nice guy who I always felt was good for me . He makes me laugh ,is reliable and is always there for me . I am a people pleaser and I think I am a good partner in that I try to make him happy . I am emotional in that I am prone to anxiety and he is more cool and stable so it has seemed to work .
However I lost my dad three years ago ago at the same time I had struck up a friendship with a man as we both had puppies . He made no secret that he seemed to think I was the nicest girl he had ever met and because I was pretty low at the time he was like a breath of fresh air . He lifted my spirits we seemed to become each other's therapist as we both suffered from low self esteem and him with depression.I felt sorry for him as he was homeless and living in a caravan . I have found him work and generally nurtured him so that he says he has never felt happier . I feel I have found a soul mate and he has finally realised we will only ever be friends after a bit of a roller coaster ! . He smokes cannabis and I don't want to lose my DP . I just know we are better as friends . Am I being completely unfair to both of them by wanting them both in my life ? DP has been tolerant up to now as he saw how attached I got to him but said you are not going to replace your dad with a man you met in the park . He now wants me to not see him. I can see all round all the arguments which is as usual making it hard for me to know what to do . I know they both love me .

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 16/11/2016 12:26

This is definitely an emotional affair, not a friendship.

CJCreggsGoldfish · 16/11/2016 12:27

I think that you're having an emotional affair. You seem to be suggesting that this man fulfils your emotional needs, where I guess your DH fulfils your more practical ones.

The relationship with this OM does not sound a healthy one to be honest. I'm friends with people because we have similar interests, they make me laugh etc. Any help I've provided them is once a healthy relationship has been established. The basis of your relationship with the OM is one where you rescued him, and he now loves you. It's not equal. This would obviously be an ego boost for you, but take a step back and think how you would feel in the OM's shoes.

Now back to your DH. He is a lot more tolerant than I would ever be to be honest. It's not fair on him. You need to listen to him. Perhaps if you feel emotions are lacking in your marriage then seek some marriage counselling.

magoria · 16/11/2016 12:37

I would feel completely betrayed and as if I had been kicked in the teeth if my DP met their soul mate who loved them more than I ever could.

Absolutely devastating.

GazingAtStars · 16/11/2016 12:47

If my partner described someone else as their soul mate my relationship would be over. You're having an EA and your DD IS absolutely within his right to tell you no more contact

GazingAtStars · 16/11/2016 12:48

I should rephrase before I get leapt on....ask you to go NC with your OM and be prepared to leave if you won't do it

Isetan · 16/11/2016 12:49

So you'd be totally cool with your partner having a close friendship with someone who you knew had romantic feelings for him. This isn't a friendship, it's an ego stroke and it appears as long as you're happy with the arrangement who cares about the feelings of the men involved.

Your version of being a 'people pleaser' appears to be the opposite of what most people think. Stop stringing your.'friend' along.

Original poster
kerstina · 16/11/2016 12:49

A soul mate can be found in a friendship or relative . Of course in a partner too but I use the term to mean people you talk to on a deeper level .
Yes I have been saying for ages I will end up losing both of them .

OP posts:
Dahlietta · 16/11/2016 12:50

You haven't been clear about it from the start with the OM because, while you might have been saying one thing, your actions have quite clearly been saying another. I also think it's quite clear from your comment that you are going to have to make a choice that you have feelings for the OM - if you had no romantic feelings for him at all, then I don't see how there is really a choice to make.

I agree with those who have said there's nothing wrong with being friends with someone of the opposite sex, but I'm not sure this applies if you know they have feelings for you.

I think you need to be a bit more honest with everyone here, including yourself, but I would be careful about the decision you make. Is this new man really all he seems or is the attraction more that you are flattered?

Cricrichan · 16/11/2016 12:51

For your friend's sake, you have to cool the friendship. It really isn't fair on him.

Bluntness100 · 16/11/2016 12:56

Ah jeez, honey you're on an eo boost.

Do uou invite this poor sod to uour home, to have dinner with uou and uour husband? To socialise with him as a couple with uour husband and you? To meet your other friends, uour family? Do uou all go out tougher?

Or is he just some poor schmuck with a lot of problems who makes uou feel good and uou keep hidden?

Offred · 16/11/2016 12:58

You are not being a friend to either man

Offred · 16/11/2016 13:00

And as for 'saying for ages I will end up losing both of them' you have not been a passive passenger in this situation. You have been the one entirely in control at all times and have been the one responsible for inflicting misery on both of them through your poor boundaries and poor choices. This is a situation entirely of your own making and having not done the decent thing up until now I highly advise you to stop handwringing and moping and do it now.

talksensetome · 16/11/2016 13:03

I agree that you are being very cruel to this man and stringing him along. I would be willing to bet that you have discussed with him the fact you are soul mates. That you love him 'as a friend' and just give him enough encouragement that he thinks you have feelings for him and he will be able to tempt you away.

I am amazed your DH has put up with it for this long to be honest.

Original poster
kerstina · 16/11/2016 13:04

I expected to get a flaming ! I have tried to get them both to be friends but neither want to make the effort . No I only see him in the park . I think even if my friend walked away now he would tell you that I have helped him think more positively . I do worry he is too dependent on me I don't contact him and from day one he has done all the running . I have not sought this out at all.

OP posts:
ZoFloMoFo · 16/11/2016 13:06

I think you're revelling in the adulation and adoration from one very vulnerable man, and the angst of another, and using both of them as a massive ego stroke.

Using a homeless man to boost your self esteem and make yourself feel good is pretty disgusting.

ToothPowder · 16/11/2016 13:06

I agree with Offred. I am usually dubious about how easily people on here shriek 'emotional affair' about close male-female friendships, but this has all the hallmarks of being a classic emotional affair, and you are riding a combination of ego-boost and feel-good rescuer vibes straight towards the end of your marriage. Decide if your marriage is more important to you than looking for emotional kicks from a man who sounds troubled and disempowered, and whose problems you are only adding to.

Offred · 16/11/2016 13:06

Of course they don't want to be friends with each other, they are both your boyfriends and both want to be exclusive with you... Hmm

Honestly, how can you be so utterly thoughtless and irresponsible with other people's lives and feelings?!

Of course he is dependent on you, you behaviour has made him dependent on you!

GazingAtStars · 16/11/2016 13:09

Of course they don't want to be friends how could you even think that's a possibility?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 16/11/2016 13:09

You cannot be friends with someone who is in love with you. It would be selfish of you to hold onto the friendship as ultimately it will stop him moving forward to meet someone who can fall in love with him back. He may say he accepts you wont be with him in that way but he doesn't - he is simply saying that to make you feel better and secretly hoping your relationship with your DH goes tits up.

Offred · 16/11/2016 13:15

Maybe next time you meet a homeless guy you fancy having as a pet reflect on the decency of that feeling and you direct them to the local CAB... Hmm

Original poster
kerstina · 16/11/2016 13:15

He is not someone you would feel sorry for if you met him now . He looks smart (always has) and works . He is not a poor homeless man who I decided to take advantage of I wanted to help him FFS!
We both have mental health issues and have helped each other .

OP posts:
Offred · 16/11/2016 13:17

You haven't helped him. You have fucked him over.

Simonneilsbeard · 16/11/2016 13:33

He's been your project, that's all, you fixed him all up and he loves you and it's a total ego boost for you.
Why on earth would your dp want to meet another man who's in love with you?
He's asked you to not to contact this other man and that's what you have to do.
If you were a woman on here saying your husband won't give up and friendship with another woman who's in love with him the cry would be LTB.
Your being selfish.

Original poster
kerstina · 16/11/2016 13:43

Thank you Simonneilsbeard . I am afraid I don't always succumb to the LTB mumsnetters . I think they make things look too black and white . I am not throwing away my relationship with the father of my DS . I will cut contact with my friend but I am not going to abandoned him completely . Nothing to do with satisfying my own ego I really don't want to hurt him .

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 16/11/2016 13:45

Yes I have been saying for ages I will end up losing both of them

You do sound like you're enjoying the drama of it all. You're an adult with a brain in her head. You don't have to lose your DH. You already said your friend has walked away several times - so let him.