Great relationship - as long as I don't ask for help with housework

[WifeofDarth]

I was a working mum for years, but found that the more I asked for help with running the home the further DH would pull away and the more arguments we'd have. Of course I just stopped asking in the end and did it all myself. The stress of doing both got too much and I dropped out of work at a crunch point.
For the past few years I've been a SAHM, and everything has been great, I manage the household and finances and just get on with it. But recently things have been getting on top of me, for various reasons (including job search to help family finances) I've had less time to do household stuff and DCs all going through needy stages at the moment.
So I asked DH for more help. He usually goes to the gym after work and comes home after the kids are in bed, I've asked him to think of another time to go to the gym so that he can help me with the hw/story/bed marathon, just while I catch up and get back on top of things. And it's all kicked off, big argument.
I get so frustrated by his refusal to see how much is involved in running everything. He says I take all this too seriously, that I should 'live more'.
But I don't see how anyone can 'live' if there's no food in the fridge and I can't direct a child to their PE kit when it's needed.
DC are primary and pre primary.
I know that this issue has been posted umpteen times before, but am hoping that someone can come up with the magic trick to make it better!

Indeed. Fair enough for a SAHM (or SAHD) to keep the show on the road but willingness to share the load, especially homework/childcare in the evening, is essential for the other adult.

I work stupid hours so DH does about 50-60% of the chores. He once fractured his wrist at work, couldn't cook or clean, and I missed the help! Generally he cooks, does some housework and much of the childcare, and the online weekly shop plus cleaning the bathroom. I do the laundry, dusting ironing hoovering. I always wash and dry up if I am home and can do basic plumbing and DIY. He is better at his tasks and me, mine.

You have to stand up for yourself. As pp say, go out more, make up a cleaning rota and demand everyone sticks to it, and if he wants a row, send him back to his mother. There is a serious imbalance here.

Arggh this would give me the rage now!

OP I was where you are a few years ago. ExP heading off to gym, out for drinks after work, 'babysitting' the DC when I wanted to go out, me coming back to DC in bed but nothing else done.

It's ingrained in him. It won't change while you're picking up the slack. The only way to make him appreciate the effort involved in a family is to not pick up the slack for him.

I wish I'd just headed off for a few weeks, leaving an empty fridge and clothes unwashed and house not vacuumed, in a week where DC had homework and clubs. And just let him deal with it.

But instead I got more and more pissed off, he checked out and I ended up living like a single parent while I got finances and DC sorted so I could leave.

My life is great m now. I still do all the house organisation but I don't have that burning resentment that comes with another adult being around but unable to see what needs to be done to have a functioning household and happy DC.

You are basically having to be a single parent. This doesn't sound like any sort of a partnership, he's opted out of family life as much as he can get away with.
The situation just sounds like so much hard work- simply trying to get an adult to behave responsibly.
The bigger question is whether he's worth the effort.

He has just texted me an article saying we should delegate, get cleaner, get babysitter, go out more.

I actually think that's a good idea. It's all well and good trying to save money, but if you reach breaking point and it affects your marriage, then it could cost you a whole lot more than a babysitter or a cleaner.

It's also good for you as a couple to spend time out on date nights. If you have to organise it, then surely that's not too difficult.

Thank you so much for all your thoughts, all really helpful. Sorry for disappearing, haven't had a chance for a sit down.
I'm relieved to know that I'm not asking too much to expect some back up on the 'home front' despite the fact that he works long hours.
He has been around for the last 2 evenings and it's clear to him that life is so much more pleasant that way, getting the kids to bed before they're too tired to be reasonable, getting some evening to ourselves. So I think there's hope!

Hedgehog I do sometimes feel like a single parent, but only briefly, as I was brought up by a single parent and the situations aren't comparable long term - I do have that support and back up on most issues that my parent could never count on. I don't think that my life would be any easier if I were a single parent, and it would definitely be a lot less fun.

Attilla asked what is in it for me? Thinking about that made me realise that everything else in the relationship is really fab - we laugh, we get stuck in to projects together (home, community), and most of the time we make a brilliant team. I can think of loads of examples of us making better decisions together than we would have done individually. Apart from housework he is a grafter - digs in to the DIY, works hard to support family, and is a great dad in every other way.
That has made me realise that it really is just the 'lifework' which has this effect on him - he doesn't react like that to any other situation.
So I think that there is a resolution to this, and I think if I can step back and unpick it I can work out a detached approach that he can engage with - like listing his deflecting responses to my requests for more help, the implications for our relationship & finances if he doesn't change.
I think the nub of the problem is to get him to acknowledge the time it takes to run a household, and the benefit to all of doing it properly. Once he's agreed that it will be much easier to decide who does what fairly.

Interestingly his DSis has the same dynamics in her relationship - she does it all (and works) and her DH gets moody if she asks him to help. So there's an obvious line of enquiry there. What messages were they brought up with? What is so scary for him about pitching in?

BTW my pension has been topped up with his wages since I stopped working.

"That has made me realise that it really is just the 'lifework' which has this effect on him".

He doesn't see it as lifework, he sees it as wifework. And therein lies all the problems.

This is one of these many stories on here where the female partner complains that the male partner "doesn't get it".

And of course the male partner is actually the one in the relationship who does 'get it'. He benefits from someone else doing his share. And he likes that and doesn't want to change. He'd much rather that you do 4 hours of housework and he does nothing, rather than you both do 2 hours each at the weekend. That is what he wants. That is what he will choose every single time. He is stealing your free time from you. And he's perfectly happy about it.

The female partner ties herself up in knots trying to work out how to 'make him see', completely oblivious to the fact that HE is the one who sees the situation perfectly and she is the one who actually 'cannot see'.

BTW my pension has been topped up with his wages since I stopped working.

I have to say, I think this is really good. ^^ it's realising that you being a SAHM affects your pension and thousands of wives aren't in this position.

I'm not minimising your gripe with your DH, but I can see the good far outweighs the bad with your husband ... and he did kind of come up with a solution by suggesting a cleaner and babysitters.

It will obviously cost money, but marriages are worth investing in and the peace of mind from having a cleaner and you both getting out together is priceless.

I could have written your post. My DH is no use whatsoever domestically. If i ask him to do something around the house, he complains I'm nagging. If by some miracle he does actually do something, he makes it seem like he's doing me a favour, and can't understand why that annoys me even more.
He also suggested we get a cleaner, but I thought we would struggle to afford it. I manage the finances so looked where we could make savings to afford it. Then it occurred to me if he wants to outsource his share of the housework, HE not WE should pay for it.
So I stopped buying him any beer, cancelled our Sky subscription and various other luxuries he mainly benefits from.
He is pretty unhappy about it all, but unless he pulls his finger out and does his share, I'm sticking to my guns.

I did less around the house by stealth. Gather your family around the kitchen table for a family meeting.
Write down everything that needs doing on a daily basis.
Get every family member to sign their initials on what they can do. Even toddlers can help put laundry in basket and school age dc can empty or load the dishwasher/washing machine.
Make sure everyone works as a team as you are a family after all.
Keep it up!

This is what we did when the dc decided they wanted us to go skiing as a family. We told them.we couldn't afford an au pair and have holidays like that.

My family were therefore motivated by the savings we could make by not paying her wages and putting the money in a savings pot.

All her jobs were divided up and as they were young at the time when we started this it was pretty easy to get into a routine.

Now I work full time and up before the dc and often home after my dh. There is always laundry hanging to dry, a cup of tea made for me by one of my dc or my dh and also a lovrly meal.

We work as a team and I think my ds will make a great dad/dh one day as even though he's only 10 he knows how to use the washing machine, run a vacuum around and is generally very kind and thoughtful.

Your dh needs to think about what sort of role model he is and wants to be. I would be terrified if one of my dds ended up with an undomesticated, selfish, inconsiderate husband like yours.

We have a lot of fun in our family and it would be a bed of seething resentment if each family member didn't pull their weight, not just the husband!