Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Great relationship - as long as I don't ask for help with housework

61 replies

WifeofDarth · 15/11/2016 09:59

I was a working mum for years, but found that the more I asked for help with running the home the further DH would pull away and the more arguments we'd have. Of course I just stopped asking in the end and did it all myself. The stress of doing both got too much and I dropped out of work at a crunch point.
For the past few years I've been a SAHM, and everything has been great, I manage the household and finances and just get on with it. But recently things have been getting on top of me, for various reasons (including job search to help family finances) I've had less time to do household stuff and DCs all going through needy stages at the moment.
So I asked DH for more help. He usually goes to the gym after work and comes home after the kids are in bed, I've asked him to think of another time to go to the gym so that he can help me with the hw/story/bed marathon, just while I catch up and get back on top of things. And it's all kicked off, big argument.
I get so frustrated by his refusal to see how much is involved in running everything. He says I take all this too seriously, that I should 'live more'.
But I don't see how anyone can 'live' if there's no food in the fridge and I can't direct a child to their PE kit when it's needed.
DC are primary and pre primary.
I know that this issue has been posted umpteen times before, but am hoping that someone can come up with the magic trick to make it better!

OP posts:

Im0gen · 15/11/2016 11:31

He's acting more like a lodger than a father and husband. I'd be tempted to treat him like one . Then every time he says "where's my dinner / laundry / sex ? " say " just " chill , you are so uptight, you need to live more , I'm off out. Why don't you get someone in to do it ? "

adora1 · 15/11/2016 11:34

Great relationship, with a man child that thinks he's too good and precious to take care of his own home and children, what's great about that, I'd be embarrassed by him tbh.

No way I'd live like this, slave and child carer whilst he lives the single life, no.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 15/11/2016 11:36

Why do some men think they can shit all over women and treat them like the cleaner/maid/house keeper? It's so misoginistic. Why do some women have to beg their lazy entitled Dh to pull their fingers out of their arseholes and help with kids or chores?

op don't put up with this shit. He is either your partner and shares responsibilities or he fucks off. All you are doing is showing your children that women are subservient to men. Do you want to inflict that on them or their future partners?

RedMapleLeaf · 15/11/2016 11:37

I certainly do not ant, need nor would tolerate some woman pecking me.

OP I think you should try meeting him half way. When he offers to do it all tonight, take him up in the opportunity. When it comes to the gym, give it a go going at six, when he's in charge of the children, let him feed them as he wishes etc etc.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 15/11/2016 11:40

I think it's a distraction technique - if he belittles me and my efforts he knows I'll be overwhelmed with anger so end of discussion
Hmm. Must learn how to deal better with those comments

or he could stop bring a prick??...

RideLikeTheWindBullseye · 15/11/2016 12:51

He doesn't do it because he doesn't want to do it, as others have already said there is no 'cure', he's just another one of those men that thinks he is above all the shitty day to day and that's what a wife is for. It sounds like he knows exactly how to press your buttons and get the reaction that ensures that he continues his charmed life exactly as he pleases with you doing absolutely everything. He is a selfish, entitled, arrogant misogynist.

You became a SAHM because he refused to work as a team and enable you to have a job. Its time for you to get angry, very angry.

RideLikeTheWindBullseye · 15/11/2016 12:52

P.S There is NO magic trick

Joysmum · 15/11/2016 13:04

Take him at his word, get a life outside of the home and let him see the effects.

libprog · 15/11/2016 13:08

Sounds like me, I used to pay my brother to do my chores.

Just stop with everything, make him realize how much work it actually is. If you keep letting him find a way out and that includes his attitude "don't take it so seriously", he will never change.

Peregrane · 15/11/2016 13:23

As a (not so) minor aside, he has undermined you financially as well by forcing you out of paid employment to become his unpaid (and unappreciated) housemaid. This includes your pension prospects.

My DH has had some similar reactions to yours, especially the response that more should be delegated out - rather than him pitching in. (Arrived into our relationship without any habit of doing the shit work - thanks a bunch MIL, who still thinks I should be doing it all for her precious little snowflake.) It has been a massive issue in our household and nearly drove me to divorce. I never considered dropping out of work though, he has always appreciated what I do, and on a theoretical level he has always agreed that it is not about him helping me, it's about a fair distribution of chores that are both our responsibility. He's pulled out his finger when it finally sank in that I would seriously separate unless he steps up.

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/11/2016 13:29

Could you try taking him at his word - and going out when he comes in? I know you don't want to 'tag team' parent, but it won't be forever, just for long enough for him to realise what is involved in getting the kids to bed, sorting their stuff for next day, feeding them etc.
If he can experience it, properly, not with you just popping out for half an hour but actually not being there for hours at a time (and try it at weekends too - take up a hobby that keeps you out all day) stressing to him that this is you 'living fully', and his responsibilities are the kids and house when you are not there, he might just realise.
Doesn't have to be forever. In fact, a couple of weeks should sort him (he can't restaurant them EVERY night). If it doesn't, well time to think again.

expatinscotland · 15/11/2016 13:31

This isn't a great relationship. This is a man who sees you as a handy domestic appliance. 'Help', my arse. He's not pulling his fair share of lifework.

There's no magic trick.

'I'd like just once for him to say when he comes in 'those kids look like they've been a bit of a handful today, why don't you sit down and I'll get you a cup of tea'. Am I in cloud cuckoo land?
I can't remember the last time he made me a cup of tea.'

Yes. Because menchildren don't change.

He forced you out of employment with his entitled laziness.

I'd get a FT job, outsource as much as possible using joint funds and split the rest and if he doesn't do his share it doesn't get done.

prettywhiteguitar · 15/11/2016 13:36

I would tag team parent just to avoid the awful man. He sounds dreadful. Go out and have fun, leave him with the children and you might find you're better off emotionally without him

NickyEds · 15/11/2016 14:34

He doesn't understand why I don't head out when he come in

Neither do I really. I'm a SAHM two nights a week we 'tag team'. I find it works best when they are two set night s (I do slimming world one night and go to the pub one night)so they are just his nights. It's tempting to leave everything as you would for a babysitter but don't. He is their dad and is capable of looking after them. If they are pre school then he won't want to take them out at that time in the evening.

I do pretty much all of the cooking, cleaning, planning etc so I seriously don't have any answers on how to make him a better husband but leaving him with the children will make him at least appreciate what goes I to it and give you a break.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2016 14:48

I do not think he will readily sacrifice his time at the gym to be with his children. I would also think that by the time he comes in as well, you are too tired to think about going out.

Iamthinking · 15/11/2016 15:09

My prediction: I would guess that if you did 'tag team' and leave him for a night that he would get them into bed but that would be it. Gee wizz. The clothes would not be put away, things would not be ready for the morning etc etc bla bla blaaaaaa.... so you would come back afterwards to have to do the invisible organisational work you would have done anyway in order to not have a shouty disorganised house in the morning, and he would be feeling smug at how efficient he is. He still wouldn't have a clearer picture of what needs to be done or what you are doing on a day to day basis.

Criticising my efficiency would send me potty!

sarahnova69 · 15/11/2016 15:19

He said that I was being inefficient, and that I should go out and let him do it tonight as he would do a better job of it.

Okay, I'm going to need you to PM me your address, because he badly needs a punch in the gob, and I badly need to be the one who does it.

In all serious, the vile arrogance is reeking off that comment so thickly that I'm surprised you can see. He thinks he can do work he contributes to 0% better than you, and he resents you making it clear that the work exists at all.

Flowerpower321 · 15/11/2016 15:27

I left DH to it for a week once by being in hospital. He managed because he fed them out of the freezer and didn't do any washing or cleaning or admin etc so now thinks it's easy to manage the house because basically you can get away with it for a week if there's already food in the house, but not long term. Didn't help him to contribute more, actually made it worse because it confirmed to him how 'easy' it is if all you do is feed them and not bother with the washing, cooking, cleaning, bills, homework, clubs, Christmas, birthdays etc etc.

adora1 · 15/11/2016 15:44

How on earth can you even lie next to bed with a man who thinks so little of you, makes my blood boil, stop enabling them to treat you like crap would be a good start!

Trifleorbust · 15/11/2016 16:16

He is basically saying to you that he will do as he likes, and you should try to fit stuff in around him. This shows little respect for you.

Don't play his game by waiting for him to get in from the gym/work drinks etc. When he texts to say he will be home late because he is going to the gym, text back: "No problem. I have a spin class. Who can you ask to mind the kids?" When he comes in, ask him what you have in for dinner.

Bobochic · 15/11/2016 16:21

As PP have said, your DH is selfish and disrespectful and expects you to slave away on unpaid labour while he works for money and indulges himself. You might need to shout and cry to get heard. Rationally explaining this stuff has been proven over millennia not to have a high success rate.

rumred · 15/11/2016 16:23

sarahnova69 my kind of woman. And spot on

OohNoDooEy · 15/11/2016 16:27

In our house, if you're not at work and the other is, you do all the house stuff.

If I was working and then came home to DH asking me to do half the housework, I would be seriously unimpressed. If your DC are school age, then I don't see why you can't job search between the hours of 9-3.

His attitude when you were both working was poor and inexcusable.

OohNoDooEy · 15/11/2016 16:27

In our house, if you're not at work and the other is, you do all the house stuff.

His attitude when you were both working was poor and inexcusable.

Trifleorbust · 15/11/2016 16:30

The issue is what is happening outside the husband's working hours, not during the working day. The children still need care, his family still needs to come first. Just because his wife is a SAHM that doesn't absolve him of all responsibility in the home.

Flip

1 2 3