Should I let him dip in and out of their life?

[onanotherday]

Posted before...long story short. Sbxh after a very difficult 4 years of him coming and going...he finally went a year ago to live abroad. MH issues etc...he has put us through the ringer...but still care and miss him. DD has really pined for him. He unexpectedly returned to the UK and initally said he was here until January. .so assumed he'd be around for a few visits and Christmas. So he phoned me tonight and said due to work is leaving again on Saturday and could dc's have day off this week to spend with him....I'm stuck between saying yes as they really miss him but worry about this being more unsettling. What would you wise mners do?

[OohhThatsMe]

How are you the cause of his MH problems when you never see him? Are you writing to him daily, telling him how crap he is? (Wouldn't blame you if you were.)

[AnyFucker]

You have nit stopped the kids from seeing them

You offered a perfectly reasonable contact time

If his MH "spirals" it's because he is deliberately creating conflict. This is not your fault and don't dare take any blame

Tell the kids exactly what has transpired. Stop protecting him, he is like a bloody big kid spitting the dummy out

[onanotherday]

Thanks everyone...you have helped enormously. ..think he's in shock to get turned down !😁😂

[category12]

He probably is.

Broken-record him - "quite happy for you to see them friday evening - I'll leave it with you" and variations thereof.

[AnyFucker]

Sounds like he needs to hear the phrase "no, that doesn't work for me" more often

[Costacoffeeplease]

Just what I was going to say AF, he obviously hasn't heard it enough in the past

[onanotherday]

Yes I don't think I've ever really put my foot down before

[AnyFucker]

Start as you mean to go on

Guarding your boundaries better will only ever enhance your life

[onanotherday]

Thanks AF...will do better from here on!

[goddessofsmallthings]

He came back to the UK because of a MH crisis which, given his stated return date of January and the parlous state of MH services in the UK, appears to have been resolved in remarkably short order.

Why do I suspect his new romance hit a sticky patch and he chose to flounce? Maybe it's because you've said that "he put us through the ringer" and narcs leopards do not change their spots.

Be firm and stay firm... he may have rung you out, but you're best advised to make it crystal clear that you will not allow him to hang you, or the dc, out to dry.

[JodieB12]

Great post ladies

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Why do I suspect his new romance hit a sticky patch and he chose to flounce?

Ooh, good point, GoST - and I'd go further and ponder if he gave new GF the impression he was going back to OP?

[goddessofsmallthings]

That would be par for the course, PSE.

[onanotherday]

Interesting PSE..
But he has been in regular contact with GF...from what I gather this is 3rd cricis in 6 months. Turned to me first time...GF flew back to see him second time and this time added out...driking and self harm in front of her...poor woman needs her head felt too! So he has refused offer of after school Thursday or Friday and flying early Saturday. ...says he will use money to book ticket to come back at xmas...going to phone dc's tomorrow..probably day I refused contact ...and to fact no maiternace in months..but his family paying for private therapy and skyping when he returns. DD already under CAMHS for anxiety ...I could cheerfully throttle him...he is not the man I married and spent 20 years with!

[onanotherday]

Damn typos

[goddessofsmallthings]

says he will use money to book ticket to come back at xmas

IF he uses the money he would have spent on trainfare to see the dc on Thursday or Friday to return to the UK next month, I consider that to be a result for the dc who, given a choice, would no doubt prefer to see him over the festive season than for a few hours this week.

Does he know that his dd's anxiety over him has caused her to be referred to CAHMS? If so, you throttle him while I dig a hole in your garden.

FWIW, should your internet connection/phone line develop a fault later today I would regard it as being no more than divine providence.

[category12]

I think you might need to be frank with the children and say that you suggested the times after school but he felt he couldn't do it.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Is there no way you can attach his earnings? He's not, for instance, overseas-employed by a UK company?

That his family are propping him up in not supporting his children tells you all you need to know. Apples and trees, etc.

[MrsBertBibby]

You absolutely should tell your kids straight. Given their ages, they need the tools to help them navigate their adult relationships with him.

[onanotherday]

Yes he knows about DD and CAMHS and so does MIL..who asked DS why she needed to go!! Will tell DC'S everything before he phones so they can be prepared with any questions they may have. ..DD is school refusing as it is so don't need anything else to give her a potential out of school...he really had no idea ..or choosing not to...he says one day they will understand!!