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Original poster

Should I let him dip in and out of their life?

70 replies

onanotherday · 14/11/2016 22:44

Posted before...long story short. Sbxh after a very difficult 4 years of him coming and going...he finally went a year ago to live abroad. MH issues etc...he has put us through the ringer...but still care and miss him. DD has really pined for him. He unexpectedly returned to the UK and initally said he was here until January. .so assumed he'd be around for a few visits and Christmas. So he phoned me tonight and said due to work is leaving again on Saturday and could dc's have day off this week to spend with him....I'm stuck between saying yes as they really miss him but worry about this being more unsettling. What would you wise mners do?

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 15/11/2016 00:03

Grin @ AF.

Where do these berks come from?

Tell him the dc will meet him at the station c4.30pm on Friday* and he can send them home in a cab after he's entertained them to a sausage roll from the buffet pizza or meal of their choice.

*They'll have the weekend to get over any upset they feel at 'losing' him again.

Original poster
onanotherday · 15/11/2016 00:16

He's been out of the country for 7 months. See them in the summer for a week. Phone ccalls and messages subject to how ''well' he is ... (BPD/PD)...money is sporadic. ..so no break and all l get from him is how hard it is for him! although a sunny clime. ..New partner and job...you couldn't make it up. Still Dc's love and miss him!Sad

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 15/11/2016 00:36

Still Dc's love and miss him! Sad

If it wasn't for this, I'd be in the camp of telling him to piss off and forgetting to mention his request for contact to the dc.

As it is, a Friday meeting will at least give the dc time to settle down again before they're back to school on Monday and I'd give him a choice of take it or leave it.

PickAChew · 15/11/2016 00:42

yes - you call the shots here. if he "can't make it" that's what you tell them.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 15/11/2016 00:43

Errm, is there any danger he might try to snatch them?

MiMiMaguire · 15/11/2016 00:43

Yes..he is their dad & you said they miss him, you might regret it if you say no, let him be the one with regrets.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 15/11/2016 00:52

To all the people calling him a useless fecker: he may be in your books, but the OP has said he is mentally unwell so I assume he is being the best he can be even if that's not great, and her DCs miss him. To punish him for being unwell seems cruel: to punish her children because he is unwell would be heartless and senseless. Let them see each other.

goddessofsmallthings · 15/11/2016 00:58

And return to sunny climes, new partner, and new job with the dc in tow? Hmm

Errm... no chance, PSE.

Original poster
onanotherday · 15/11/2016 01:15

No chance of snatching! He is too self absorbed (Narc)... I'm sure my dc's would go down a treat with new romance Grin

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/11/2016 02:27

I think any sympathy for this man is very displaced

I second the Friday evening or weekend offer. Or nothing at all.

You are not blocking cot act, you are making it possible on terms that suit the dc best

They are the ones that matter. Not the whims of this self obsessed narc. One week in 7 months ? Pitiful.

He wants to see the dc to reflect his own "glory". They are not his supply even though they will always love and miss him and someone needs to protect them from his fecklessness. Unfortunately that someone is you, op.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2016 02:27

*contact

Pallisers · 15/11/2016 02:43

They'll have the weekend to get over any upset they feel at 'losing' him again.

Yeah because of course that is how it works for teenagers. The most resilient people on the planet. They get over losing their father in a weekend.

For fucks sake.

this isn't about whether this man is worthy of being a father or not. Clearly he isn't. But he is their father and whether any of us like it or not his children might actually want to see him, want to spend time with him, might even understand that he has mental health issues and/or is an inadequate person but still want to spend time with him because they love him and miss him (as OP has said).

These kids are teens. The OP can't "protect them from his fecklessness" as if they were 3 or 4. They already have a relationship with him. They know what he is doing. She needs to talk to them about it. I strongly advise her against making any unilateral decisions about contact without involving the teens at some level. Contact is different at different ages.

OP, I am sorry you and your children are in this situation - you have certainly been landed with all the responsibility as a parent. If I were you I would sit down with your teens (I have children similar ages) and talk about the situation. They already know he has been awol. you need to talk to them about it and decide what is best for them together. I wouldn't sugar-coat any of it - you probably don't need to, they know. But they might desperately want some time with him - even some time to ask him questions or talk to him about what has happened.

SlottedSpoon · 15/11/2016 04:59

Difficult one. Feckless no hoper, piss taker who should be told to FUCK OFF or a man who is suffering from mental health problems he has no control over but who still wants to see his children when he is well enough?

Personally I lean towards feckless no hoper and piss taker but I am very aware of how much more sympathy and understanding a mother with BPD/PD would elicit in this sort of scenario. It's hard to know whether he's a useless selfish father who happens to have MH issues, or a loving father whose MH issues make him incapable of being less useless.

I think if you know deep down that he is the latter and the children want to see him, then they should be able to but he must understand that it has to be outside of school hours and their routine should not be disrupted to fit him in at short notice.

SlottedSpoon · 15/11/2016 05:16

Oh sorry, just seen that he has to leave again for work on Saturday hence the request to give them a day off. I still think no. He needs to come up and see them after school for a couple of afternoons and evenings before Saturday then.

Although I am a bit Hmm about what sort of job he has that means he was due to stick around over Christmas and now has to leave so suddenly. That in itself sounds like a bit of a Bipolar episode playing out to me; sudden and irrational changes of direction.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2016 06:25

Personally, I trust the op to know where this guy is coming from on the piss taker/MH incapability scale

She knows him. We do not.

Original poster
onanotherday · 15/11/2016 07:14

He was back due to MH crisis now settled and his job is there still if he returns this weekend. Thank you all for your replies. ..it's just me and dc's so it nice to have virtual friends!
I'm going to ring later and say after school Friday. Hang on for the strop...he will either not bother and tell kids or I'll be acused of being controlling. .ho. .hum..
The bets are onConfused

OP posts:
category12 · 15/11/2016 07:15

He picks them up after school. Takes them for tea, spends time, brings them home at 9 or 10. Fucks off again.

There's no need for them to miss a day of school. Your eldest dc must be in their gcse years. I wouldn't trust him not to let them down, and the whole thing just reeks of the world revolving around him. Fuck that.

Original poster
onanotherday · 15/11/2016 13:34

So as expected he will not change plans....says needs to go for daje id his NT. Sod the kids MH!!!...so lve said no....Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
onanotherday · 15/11/2016 13:44

Typos! ! For the sake of his MH!

OP posts:
MiMiMaguire · 15/11/2016 13:55

What's NT ?

toptoe · 15/11/2016 14:03

Of course he won't: he puts himself first. Not your fault or the kids'. Also not your job or the kids to rearrange what you do to suit him. He should be bending over backwards, not you or the kids. This is the problem when you deal with selfish people, they make you rhink there must be a reason why they're doing it. But the reason is; they are selfish and don't want to give. Not his mh. Not his job. Not any of that.

toptoe · 15/11/2016 14:06

He came back due to his mh crisi, not to see the dc. That's not why he came back, so he's not going to rearrange anything to suit them because they aren't his priority. He's looking after no.1.

Original poster
onanotherday · 15/11/2016 16:43

....and on cue...don't I care that he might spiral down again...I'm still the cause of his MH. And now I have to be bad cop and tell kids I've stopped them seeing him.Confused

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 15/11/2016 17:00

You could set your watch by some of these shits....

category12 · 15/11/2016 17:04

Well you haven't stopped them seeing him. You offered him Friday evening. He chose not to.

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