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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has moved on and I feel so low

30 replies

Sojealous · 14/11/2016 22:20

DH and I separated about a year ago. He had run up huge debts through business and was drinking so much because of the stress and it was all awful.
From the start he has wanted to repair things but I insisted the debts were got under control and he stopped denying and running away from them. I could not look at relationship til that was done and still not done. He did keep hoping but then gave up,
Has moved in with someone else (to her house as he has nothing) and just told me is going to Dubai for New Year. She clearly has money so the debts don't bother her.
I knew the relationship was over but I feel so insanely jealous. I am lying in bed sobbing. I have nothing, my parents have to pay my rent as I have so much debt and he gets to live in lovely house happily with his new lady and life is good for him.
It's not I don't want him to be happy,
It just makes me so upset he can just walk away and start again and has fallen on his feet. Jealousy is horrible but that's just what I am....

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 14/11/2016 22:24

If she's happy to take on a man riddled in debt, she must be very desperate for a man.

Let her have him and try and move forward.

Hellmouth · 14/11/2016 22:29

I think you need to focus on the good things in your life and how you can make things better. Looking back at the bad times, and looking at what other people have never makes anyone feel better, in my opinion.

Original poster
Sojealous · 14/11/2016 22:39

I know. I just see th happy carefree loving person he used to be, just not with me anymore

OP posts:
HappyJanuary · 14/11/2016 22:39

Well he is the same useless person he always was, so at some point he'll begin drinking too much, running up debts and hiding from any issues she needs to resolve.

At some point she'll get sick of him. And if she doesn't, what does that say about her?

Is he supporting you financially, paying maintenance and shouldering a fair portion of the joint debt?

I suggest you see a solicitor to get everything carved up legally, then you'll be in a better position to start improving your own life.

AnyFucker · 14/11/2016 22:42

Does she know about the debts. I bet she doesn't know the half of it.

I hope your finances are no longer tied up. If they are, you could be financing that trip to Dubai yourself.

AnyFucker · 14/11/2016 22:43

Oh, and Dubai is a fucking hell hole.

PickAChew · 14/11/2016 22:45

More fool her.

Be thankful you're not the one trying to carry him, any more.

TheNaze73 · 14/11/2016 22:48

I don't see what you are actually jealous of? He sounds like an utter cock. He clearly just wants to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. You can't get over someone that quickly, she has rebound written all over her.
Was it joint debt as an aside? If you're joint & severally liable, you may be on a sticky wicket. Was the business debt secured?
As an aside AnyFucker is right. Dubai was the worst place I've ever been to. Well apart from Jaywick...
Don't let the wanker do this to you

NotTheFordType · 14/11/2016 22:52

I absolutely know what you mean. The idea that he's got away with it! is so fucking rage-inducing.

The thing is, he hasn't got away with it. He has to live life as he is, which is as a pathetic loser. Dubai trips are frequently given as "Employee of the Month" prizes - what does that tell you?!

Original poster
Sojealous · 14/11/2016 22:56

I think I'm jealous that the lovely guy I knew is back, but not with me.
I hoped he would sort the debts and fight for me, but he didn't, easier to move on. He now gets to live in a nice house and presumably get his half of debt under control easily. No immediate financial worries. Lucky man. I'm jealous of him and jealous of her.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/11/2016 22:58

Well, as you know the "lovely guy" act is purely situational and liable to getting switched off at any moment

Have a little wallow, love, then pick yourself back up. He is weak. You know this.

Original poster
Sojealous · 15/11/2016 00:10

I think now the stress of the situation is gone for him (he has started a new career and the business that caused the debts and stress is gone) he will be a nicer person and so she gets mr nice guy. I would have liked him.
But yes - I am Wallowing I suppose.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 15/11/2016 00:13

But you now know mr Nice Guy to be no more than a fleeting illusion.

Original poster
Sojealous · 15/11/2016 00:24

I imagine mr nice guy is back now that life is easier for him.
How do I get over that? Seeing him happy and relaxed and carefree with someone else? It hurts

OP posts:
Allalonenow · 15/11/2016 00:28

He might have a new business, and apparently a new life, but inside he still the same prick who got heavily into debt and drank too much...people don't change.

She is a hugely stupid mug for taking on a man with debts and a history of drink problems, she will come to her senses when it's too late.

Dubai is awful, you wouldn't like it a bit!

So mop up your tears, things will get better for you. Thanks

Dieu · 15/11/2016 01:17

Your reaction is perfectly natural and normal OP. Most people would experience similar feelings initially. So by all means have that wallow. You're entitled. BUT don't let it go on too long. For your own sake. At some point you will have to pull yourself together and recognise that you are well rid. You won't see it now, but you will!

AnyFucker · 15/11/2016 02:33

We are not dismissing your feelings, op

It's perfectly natural to feel how you do. But not helpful or constructive for you.

Wallow away but don't let him blight your life. Maybe he will fall on his are again, maybe he won't

But he is not your concern any more. Give thanks for that and treat your own self kindly Flowers

AnyFucker · 15/11/2016 02:33

*arse

SandyY2K · 15/11/2016 07:05

Some people show an outward happiness, but it's not as great as they make out.
I certainly wouldn't move a man in with me and be paying his way, especially with a shed load of debt. He may have kept the debt hush hush.

I don't know what other PP experience of Dubai was, but I loved it when I went with the family.

Shayelle · 15/11/2016 07:20

It must feel horrible now but in time you'll heal. Just be strong and get theough this raw bit. Is there anyway you can cut contact so you dont have to see what hes doing all the time? That certainly doesnt help you x

Original poster
Sojealous · 15/11/2016 07:29

Thanks shayelle I couldn't sleep last night, I hope it gets easier.i know it's irrational. I have to see him because of the children. He pops in to see them and have a play, acts the lovely dad then goes back and leaves the worries and stress behind.
I'm bitter because I see the nice him again now, but he wasn't like that with me.
I just needed to vent and I'll try hard to get over him 😊

OP posts:
Allalonenow · 15/11/2016 10:47

Hello, just wondering how you were this morning, hope you feel a bit brighter.

In your last post you say he pops in to play with the children, my guess is that he uses this time to spin you a line about his wonderful new life?

You would protect yourself from all the emotional crap he is feeding you, by stopping the "popping in". Have the children ready to go out and when he arrives, don't invite him in, just pass the children over to him and shut the door.
Then you don't have to engage with him, and he gets no chance to tell you of his new life in greener pastures.
He can take the kids off to McDonalds like all the other failed Disney Dads.

Original poster
Sojealous · 15/11/2016 11:24

No that's just text - 'I've moved in to BW road now - so nice to live in luxury. And I won't be around at New Year because I'm going to Dubai.'
If I prevent access at my house the kids lose out and I don't want them to see their parents not communicating at all. It's my jealousy issue that needs attention. I also don't want him to be forced to take them there before he needs; I'd rather they have time to adjust to him having a new partner. So many people must go through this and get out the other side. I'll cope. Good news is that I brought my daughter and friend to bluewater and can't face shops so am sat in car no doubt saving a fortune! X

OP posts:
OutragedKoala · 15/11/2016 11:30

Chin up OP you never know what the future might hold. Focus on yourself for now, and try not to think about him Flowers

Ouriana · 15/11/2016 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.