Friends who don't yet have children

[TeeCee]

My 2 best friends don't yet have children.

I've got a 5 yr old DD with special needs, a 14 month old and am pregnant with no3.

Sometimes I find it really hard that they just don't get where I am coming from.

Most of the time my oldest and closest friend is supportive and great but just recently I've really felt like she's keeping that part of my life at arms length.

Maybe it's just my hormones???

I spoke to her just now and she was telling me about booking to go away to South of France etc. I said how lovely and talked to her about it and then said that last night I ws saying to D that I'd really like to take my 2 girls away before baby no3 comes along so that DD2 gets at least one hoilday where she was the baby and her and her big sister had at least one hoilday where it was just the 2 of them. She just sort of said 'well they won't remember it and you're going to enjoy holidays with your kids later in life anyway'. I said yeah but it would just be nice to have a holiday when it was just the 2 of them and she sort of humphed! So I said 'you don't get it no?' and she said 'no', so I said 'hmmm, I don't think you really get it in general at the moment' and she said 'I'm not supposed to I don't have kids'. I said 'no i no, oh look don't worry about it, I'll see you later', and I sort of just hung up. Diodn't handle that very well. Silly thing to do and I feel all sad but I also feel frustrated and a bit fed up and sad and lonely and .....

Oh, it's silly, and I know there will be things she doesn't get but I just feel she's bored of me being a mum and isn't trying to understand.

I booked in to have some tests at the hospital yesterday and felt a little subdued about it and still do, and will continue to feel so. I told her and she just said 'oh, I don't know what to say' whereas usually I feel she would be more supportive.

When I chat to her on the phone and DD2 is trying to climb onto the table and I say 'sorry hang on a sec' I sense her being impatient that the flow of her chat is being interrupted.

I just feel a bit of a lonely mum and a bit sad and a bit not understood.

Don't know what I'm saying or what I want to hear back or anything. Just venting I suppose.

Oh honey.

I'm not going to say 'friends without children just don't understand' because sometimes they're one's lifeline. But I think it is very hard, when you don't have children of your own, to watch your friends going into this new world of experiences that you can't share. And sometimes yes, one does get it wrong.

(((hugs)))

It's hard to remember what it was like before kids isn't it? but reality is we've all been there, and if she has children of her own her time will come, and she'll then realize.

I think sometimes it's almost better to only have friends who have children as the divide can be so big IMO, different lifestyle, different priorities, and rarely the two shall meet.

Concentrate on the friends who understand, rather than being upset by the ones who don't.

take care of yourself xx

A long time very good friend of mine doesn't have kids, doesn't want kids.

I recently stopped thinking of her as a friend precisely because of the phone thing - it just seems to magnify all the other things she doesn't get.
FGS I've even heard her laughing on the phone as I'm dealing with the kids.

I've heard or read someone saying that there's a bigger gulf between those with children and those without children, than anything else in life.

I have only experienced this for a few weeks but agree that my friends without children don't really "get it". But then probably I didn't either in before children. It does make you feel isolated from your pre-children friends but presumably you have post-children friends who do understand?

I have found it's better to be honest with childlesss friends and say - sorry no point me chatting until after the chidlren are asleep as I can't concentrate and call her back in the evening.

Sure the hormones don't help but I don;t have any experience of that!

oh and congrats - I didn;t realise you were PG

God TC when I look back at how I was with friends with kids before I had any, I just didn't have a CLUE what they were going through. I don't think I made any allowances for the fact purely because I had no idea that their lives were different to mine!

I know that sounds weird but as dh and I had lived with my SIL and her niece when she was young and we did a lot of the childcare, I thought (oh silly me!) that I knew what it was about and it was lovely and easy (of course she was 3 when I moved there and a very very easy child in retrospect, plus of course her mum did most of it!!)

So my guess is she just doesn't have a clue
Not that she is jealous or whatever

On the upside I have maintained a relationship with a friend who had her son 8 yrs before I did. It has waxed and waned occasionally but has survived.

I remember one couple (who did not have kids) invited me DH and Ds1 to a party.
The hostess was very put out that i moved a bowl of peanuts to a higher table so that DS1 could not reach them, he was about 18 months at the time.
Now they have their own kids they are totally different and a little over protective if anything.

Oh I don't think she's jealous. She really is my closest friend, noone else comes close. She's more like a sister and soulmate type best friend. We speak at least once a day.

It's just that since I got pregnant again I felt she has beena bit more withdrawn from the kids side of my life if that makes sense.

She jsu sent me an email to say 'sorry I don't get it babes but don't hold it againsy me'

I sent her an essay back to say that I really would never hold that against her and jsut chatted about how hard it is for both of us to have such different lives but be so close. I explaioned how I've been feeling and pointed out that when I popped over to see her the other week, the first tiem I've seen her in person since telling her about no3, she didn't even say congrats in person and hug me or anything.

I have mates who are mums but noone can replace the friendship I have with her, it just seems a bit weird and a bit hard at the moment. I'm going to try my hardest to talk about no3 and kids stuff as much as poss but at the end of th eday they are such a massive part of my life it's hard not to share it with your bessie.

Before I had kids my best friend had 2 and she became the most boring person in the world. Didn't mean I didn't still like her but her favourite topics were kids, sleeping patterns, childcare etc etc. I tried to care but I simply coldn't understand. What I did understand was that she wasn't avaialable to go out at a moment's notice, to stay out late and get drunk. And when we went on hols together the kids dominated the whole experience. It was a bit wearing but she was and is a good friend. I'm sure there are times when I annoyed her - she sure as hell annoyed me!!

However I had my first a few years after he youngest. Then I had another. And another. And over the last 10 years I've seen her glazing over as I've started banging on again about bfing, sleeping, childcare etc . She's moved on now. It doesn't matter as long as you have things in common long-term and you like each other enough to be patient.

TC - I hate to say this, but I think it's an occupational hazard of having 3.

By the time you are on your third, friends and family just assume you know it all and have no real need to comment or congratulate.

It rankled me terribly. I was more sick, tired and in need of support this time than I ever was with DS1 & 2 and spent a lot of time feeling grumbly with the lack of interest.

LOL Fio!

And OrmIrian you're so right and so how it is and will be with us!

It's just a bit weird when you are so close and you feel a dip in your friendship. I know it's hard for both if us and know we'll be fine, I just have to get over the hormonal bit!

Thnaks all for listening

LOL dejags - great isn't it! It's exactly how I feel, a LOT more tired and grumbly. will shake myself up and concentrate on being a good friend to HER.

Thanks, xx

I could be way off here, but you say that she's only been like this recently. Could she be TTC or be broody? Our TTC problems were a complete secret, in fact, even now we have DD, only our parents know how hard we had to work to get her. Even close friends are in the dark as DH is a very private person.
I found it incredibly difficult to be supportive and happy for friends with children at that time, it was just too much to deal with our own issues.

On the bright side, I don't think that now we have a child it's spoiled my friendships with those who don't. It's just more difficult to do things spontaneously any more, that's all. Friends always misunderstand each other sometimes...

And congratulations! for number three. I think three is a lovely number.

I've only 'retained' one child free friend. Generally they require too much maintenance.

MissTittleMouse - I worry about that with her and am very sensitive to that. She has had bad luck with men but I set her up with a nice man last summer and he treats her really really well and she seems very happy. I ask her all the time if she's happy and make sure she's ok.

She has said that if she is still with him in a years time they will try for children together.

When i told her about no3 I was very sensitive to the fact that she may feel a bit left behind etc. I wasn't in her face sensitive but just careful and asked her if she was ok etc.

She seems really happy with how her life is at the moment but I know she does want kids. I'm not sure, it is a possibility and I'm caredul to rememebr that she may feel a bit 'thing' sometimes or just plain bored of me being a my=um and talkig baout kids.

Oh, TC

I can't replace your best friend (nor would I want to!) but I can talk about children things (and I rather think that our second children are going to marry each other anyway, if yesterday was anything to go by! How besotted was DS2 with DD2?!).

Will make the effort to see you more often, like we said.

Have a hug - it is hard to have friends who don't have children, especially as you have more of them, because, naturally, your life is taken up with them more.

Er, that looks like I couldn't possibly bear to be your best friend because it would be too awful. I didn't mean it like that!

DS3 slipped into our family fairly unoticed. (compared to ds1 who arrived with a florists shop and card shop). MOst of my pregnancy with him I just got "oh my you're enormous when's it due?"

I think its hard to share experiences with friends if the experiences are meaningless to them because of lack of personal experience. It's one reason so many of my mother type friends have children with SN- because we can talk about it. I don't really talk about that with friends who don't have kids with SN because it's too far removed from their reality - even my best ever been friends for 36 years friend- we're very comfortable with each other, and we talk, but we rarely talk about ds1 in the way I would with friends with kids wtih SN because it's not her life (and probably a bit dull). So if I want to moan or share a special thing that ds1 has done then I would phone my friend who has an autistic dd (and frequently do and she does the same). I would imagine this is the same sort of thing. I know what you mean, and why the holiday would be special because it does change things adding another little being to the equation- but you're friend may not realise that - or even that they all come with their own little personalities (I'm sure I thought of all young children as being fairly homogenous before having any).

Have quite a few friends without kids as well, and don't avoid talking about the kids with them, but tend to talk about other stuff.

Bit garbled but I think I'm needed next door....

Friendships go through stages, if you ask me. I remember feeling like I didn't have much in common with one of my good friends when she had children. To a large extent, I went through the motions to keep our friendship going, but only because it was long-standing. Now I have ds, I have more understanding of her situation although her kids are older so she is still going through different stuff. In a year or two, if your friend has a baby, I am sure things will come around. I don't know how long you have been friends, but in the context of a friendship which will hopefully last the rest of your life, perhaps you just need to let it drift for a little while?

PS - CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!

Thanks everyone.

hunker - you're so lovley and thanks, we will get together more, it just makes sense and as you say it's lovely for your DS2 and my DD2.

JimJams - you're spot on. I'm just so used to her being the all round amazing supportive mate that it feels odd now she's not being quite so there iykwim. But I'll be understanding and just concentrate on being a good mate to her and not bringing the subject of kids and pregnancy up.

Mumpbump - been bestmates for 23 years so we'll be fine, I know we will. We're not not fine now anyway really. Just feeling the divide in our lives a bit at the moment but it's all good really.