not comfortable with this

[pinklemonade84]

Dh is a huge Billy Connolly fan and when he found out that he would be doing a tour he was desperate to go. A female friend of ours is another huge fan and booked the tickets for them to go (I was unable to as dd is 6.5 months old, potentially epileptic, we had no one available to look after her and I'm also filling in for them with one of my brothers as they're both employed as carers for my mum).

I noticed towards the end of my pregnancy that she seemed a bit flirty with dh. Touchy feely. And writing cryptic messages in Japanese (she's teaching herself) for him on the whiteboard in my mum's kitchen. Something that I put down to my crazy hormones at the time. But she is still flirty with him even now that dd is born.

I don't think a lot of myself at the moment as I've piled a lot of weight on since the birth (restarted slimming world whole heartedly today). And to me she seems to be everything that I don't feel like I am - thin (well I know I'm not that), pretty and she has much more in common with dh than I do.

So, today is the day and they've headed off to Manchester, just the two of them and they won't be back until 4 in the morning. Dh without saying goodbye to me and dd. And I've got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can't quite put my finger on it and I've been on edge all day.

I don't think dh would do anything. But, I never thought he would hold my financial situation against me - though he made some nasty comments to me about money this week in front of my mum, which upset her.

I keep telling myself that my fears sound stupid. But, this niggling just won't go away

I don't hate him in the slightest. I'm struggling with feeling as if he's ashamed to be with me. And ge has a habit of avoiding dealing with things. I wasn't trying to point score or start an argument.

I spent the whole of yesterday wondering why he wasn't bothering to get in touch. Then when he eventually did wondering why he hadn't actually asked how we were. Wondering why he only bothered to get in touch when he knew he wouldn't have to reply back.

Yes that might seem incredibly suspicious, possibly even crazy. But, I've never gone anywhere on my own with another man. Then again, I've never given him reason to doubt my feelings about him

You aren't giving him the opportunity to redeem himself if you shoot down every attempt he makes at what you want him to do (text about DD) because you have one foot in the resentful quicksand of your relationship at all times.
And he has made it clear he cant win

He isn't dealing with things I think he sounds like he's trying to run away from your feelings because he doesn't know how to make it better. You give him a direction and if he fails you kind of punish him.

If you want to go out with him get a babysitter and book a meal? Would he say no?

Why on earth isn't your mum stopping her carer from writing little messages to her son in law? I'd go berserk if someone was doing that to my daughter.

My mum doesn't and won't know about the messages. She has enough on her plate at the moment without my insecurities over this whole situation piled on top too. I hope that doesn't come across as me wanting to be a martyr, she just really can't handle the stress at the moment.

I wish he would just show willing to try and make me feel better. I don't want massive displays of affection in public. I just want him to start initiating things for us to do. Even if it's just a walk on the beach with the dog.

Ok I totally understand wanting those things, but perhaps your behaviour isn't inviting him to want to do those things either.
He doesn't want to walk down the beach with the dog while you tell him all the ways he makes you feel bad about yourself, it's ending up him hiding away from your feelings because of the resentment possibly. Would walking down the beach make all these feelings go away? No because it's far deeper than him making some small gestures. You aren't communicating. You are stressed and he's hiding. You need to talk openly without blame

I agree with Myusername here. You really need to let go of the resentment you've built up since his night out. Have you told him you were upset about the messages on the noticeboard? If so why did he (and presumably you agreed) go alone to an event with someone you clearly don't trust? Have you discussed wanting some time out together properly or just during your disagreements? He's not likely to be that enthusiastic about planning a rare night out together when you're constantly looking for ways to be offended by him.

I'm certainly not trying to make you feel worse, but you asked for opinions and from what you've told us he hasn't really done anything wrong. He went out and DID contact you. He just didn't appear to ask what you considered the correct questions, but he did contact you. He then contacted you again later, right? Did you expect him to contact you again during the show? I'm not clear what the expectation was and wonder if he's confused too.

We've probably all been there at some point, feeling isolated being at home, not feeling our most attractive after giving birth and overreact to every slight we feel from the OH, but you sometimes need to look at your own behaviour and take some ownership over the cycle of bickering you're currently experiencing.

Apologise for your part of the falling out, hopefully that'll make him feel more at ease and able to talk to you without fear of saying something else for you to take offence to and you can enjoy your weekend together. Don't let this drone on and on and ruin the little time you do have to spend together, that'll just frustrate you even more. Most importantly arrange some time together as a couple, whether this is going out or staying in for a special night together.

Also I think he is bound to be upset that essentially you ruined his night out seeing Billy Connolly by being jealous and resentful about it. It could have waited till he got home. I wouldn't want to make a romantic gesture in these circumstances myself

I think you need to focus on valuing yourself and doing things that make you feel good, instead of depending on someone else to do that for you.

Totally agree with Kiki on that too

You seem to have a lot of stress and DP has become the bad guy. If you can make yourself happy then it might help your relationship no end

I've been in your situation in terms of feeling ahoy about myself and unattractive, he can't change the way you feel about yourself, not long term anyway.

If you want to lose weight could he or your mum watch the baby while you go to a gym or exercise class? Are you going back to work soon?

I'm a carer for mum too so will be starting back with that in January.

At the time I agreed because I knew he wouldn't get the chance to go again. But, we didn't have dd's health issues to think about at that point as she hadn't had any seizures then. I feel bad for kicking off last night and certainly didn't expect him to message while he was in the show. I just thought that with everything going on we wouldn't be an after thought to him.

In all honesty everything is so centred around dd at the moment (understandably so) that I resent him for being able to get away from it all for a day. Which just isn't an option for me as I bf and can't seem to pump enough to fill a bottle for her.

I told him at the time when she started with these little messages that they were making me feel uncomfortable. But he laughed it off as if I was being melodramatic

Then apologise to him and explain how you feel without blaming it all on him.
Both of you deserve time off and to take up opportunities, it must be stressful worrying about your DD and your mum but he can't put his life on hold to make you feel better. Does he otherwise do nice things for you? What are his good points? So far you haven't listed any.
As for the woman, I understand why you feel worried about this but as it stands it doesn't seem anything inappropriate has happened on his side?

He's an amazing Dad and is very hands on. I will give him that. I'm very lucky in that sense. He adores dd, which is what surprised me so much last night when he didn't ask about her.

As for nice things he does for me - I sound awful and very woe is me - but I can't think of any off the top of my head. I don't get flowers or special meals. I don't even get time to have a soak in the bath on my own as they're always rushed. I leave him to it at night and let him spend a good couple of hours or so on his games console to unwind.

Despite what I've posted about how unhappy I feel. I adore him. He's my first real love. And I desperately want to make things work

If he is a hands on dad why aren't you getting to lie in the bath?

perhaps there is another view point - he trusts that you would tell him if something was not ok, and really doesn't seem to Have the anxiety to check up on her constantly. That might be different for you but it really really is not the crime of the century here, you are blaming him for something he didn't do based on the fact you admit you are jealous he got to go and angry that you have no time to yourself. If you don't let that point go with him it's going to eat you alive. He was bound to be excited about the show and focusing on getting there and he did text you. If you had said 'I worried he hadn't go there safely because I didn't hear from him for hours on end' then that might be different but you are asking him to report to you on a regular basis with an expected level of questions that you deem appropriate/proportional to prove his devotion to DD which implies he doesn't value or care about her, then in the next breath say he's a great dad and adores DD? That makes no sense. He may well feel pretty shit now too. He went out and now feels double bad about apparently not caring about his daughter.

I think you need to work on yourself, not just your relationship.

I do want you to know I am trying to help you just it's really hard to help you because your thinking/reasoning seems to be quite flawed and skewed.

You are relying on him to make you happy and punishing him for failing.
You adore him and don't want to lose him but I think you need to be careful you aren't becoming slightly bullying in your efforts to make him see how you feel/change without actually sitting down and telling him how you feel.
If you aren't careful you could veer into allowing these overwhelming feelings of insecurity become controlling and abusive, in your determination to feel better, but not really addressing the root causes this is how it begins.

Start from the bottom of the problem pile not the silly stuff on the top. This texting thing is NOT the cause of the issues.

I fully understand your frustration at feeling completely stuck in with your dd and especially when you're breastfeeding and not able to express, I'm in exactly the same position at the moment. It will pass soon though (I keep telling myself) and you'll slowly start getting some independent time back again. I swear as soon as I try to take a rare relax in the bath my dd starts to cry.

I worked out the other day that I haven't been out with my OH for about 18 months. It's frustrating but that's the way it is until my little one is less dependent on me. We make time each evening when all three LOs are finally in bed and commit some quality time to each other. Weekend nights are date nights at home. Life changes after you have kids and it takes time to adapt to what is possible and practical and you probably need to settle into a new routine. The great advantage to home date nights is they're considerably cheaper than going out :). Try not to be too resentful that he got to go out and enjoy himself last night though and just be honest with him and let him know that's what you're upset about.

We don't even get evenings in because as soon as I go upstairs to settle dd that's when the ps4 is put on and I can't get anything out of him for 2 hours or so. And by the time he eventually comes upstairs I'm ready to settle down for the night.

Myusername I know you're trying to help. I hope you know that I do appreciate the advice

Right so he isn't really pulling his weight and you need to address this. It's clearly driving you bonkers.
You need to have a clear household type of rota going on. - DP I know you like to play the game but I am going for a nice bath. Watch/listen for DD. Let's go out and do something today. Let's have a nice evening in with a film.
Talk to him!

I'm confused. Were the mesaages even for him? You seem to have assumed they were, but then you said he couldn't understand them as they were in Japanese and only she speaks it.

Could she have been practising her Japanese at work or something or leaving messages for herself? My kitchen blackboard is filled with stuff like that - I write shopping lists, motivational quotes etc. DH doesn't even look at it.

Just wondering if you're making yourself v unhappy when you don't need to be.

I think you are focusing on the wrong things. There was no need for him to text you when he was out. He knows you would call/text, if there was a problem. I would hate it, if my DH insisted that I kept checking in with him, when we're not together. It would feel suffocating. Also, he was looking forward to a good night, and you've ruined it really. Not very nice. You've also insinuated that he has been neglectful of his child, which is an awful accusation, especially since you know he's a good Dad. Those things alone, would make me withdraw.

Having said the above, you have every right not to want him to go to a show, with a woman who you suspect is flirty with him. I wouldn't be happy with that, at all. But...if there was anything going on, I'm pretty sure that they would have claimed that it was too far to drive home after the show, and that separate hotel rooms were needed but actually stay in a room together So, I really don't think they are having an affair!

The messages on the whiteboard....what's the point if only she speaks Japanese? And how do you know they were for DH? Did he ever reply? All very strange.

Your biggest problem, is that he is glued to the PS4 every night, which is the ONLY time you could have couple time together. That, quite frankly, has to stop. You need regular date nights to talk and reconnect.

Regards the money, all money should be pooled. You have given birth to his child fgs, can't he see that he needs to support you all?

He went out on a night out. He would have assumed that if something crops up with your dd etc, that your contact him. He probably knew that you weren't happy about him going which is why he left without saying goodbye.

Nobody understands those japanese messages in your family so it doesn't really matter. Did she say they were for him and if so, didn't your dh say he can't read them?

I think you should schedule in some couple time. If it can't be out, then get a board game, a takeaway and a bottle of wine and have a laugh together. When dd is a bit older you can go out.

I apologised to him last night for kicking off when he was out. And said that I was sorry if I'd put a dampener on the evening for him. Which he genuinely reassured me that I hadn't

The messages on the whiteboard started off with her listing things in Japanese. Then dh would put jokey suggestions at the side of them. Once that started she started writing actual messages, coupled with her getting flirty and touchy feely with him.

We used to have date night at home once a week. No laptops, games consoles or phones. I can't remember why they even stopped, so I might ask if we can start them again

I was also about to ask how you know the messages are solely for him but see others have beaten me to it

Is this woman a paid carer for your mother ?