How do you deal with having to see the person your husband had an affair with?

[Zucchini07]

Hi :)

I'm new on here, I was just hoping someone could give me some advice. My husband had an affair quite a while ago in 2008, and I feel like I am over it and we have been able to move on.

In september our 4 year old started school- it is the same school that our older children have been to- and it was on the school run that I noticed that the person my husband had an affair with has a son in the same year as my son. It was a shock and and I have struggled to cope with seeing her everyday on the school run, as it is a reminder of very painful memories.

My husband has shrugged it off, and said it's not a big deal, but he seems to be making a bigger effort than he used to with our older two. I just don't know how I can handle seeing her everyday, and worried about assemblies etc, it has really put a dampener on my son starting school, as I have always enjoyed watching my older two in things at school, but now it fills me with dread :(

Any advice appreciated, thanks xx

I don't think dressing better is a red flag, I would want to look good if I bumped into any of my exe's and I have been happily married for 26 years!

I can understand your visceral feelings regarding this woman but taking your children out of school and moving is extreme, did you ever get the opportunity to talk through your pain and hurt? This woman's reappearence maybe a reminder that the demons of 2008 were never really properly exorcised because I can imagine it must have been very difficult with a poor communicating H.

When its good, im happy, but he doesn't deal with me getting upset very well, he just ignores me until i get over it. He's exactly the same when his mum does something to upset me.

I've been with him since i was 18, so don't really know anything else.

I had counselling which did help, but I did feel as though we didn't talk about it calmly as a couple, it usually went, me shouting, him slinking off into another room to avoid the conversation. He thinks now that it happened so long ago that i should never question his integrity and i should trust him 100%.

Well, ok, he had an affair, you thought you were over it, you can stand to see him every day, but not her, even though he wronged you more.

Is it because she reminds you of it? Yet you can blank it out and move on with him?

I'm just trying to point out that there is a marked difference between the way you view them both. Just ignore her, if you can bear to see him, then uou should be able to bear to see her. If you can't, then uou are not over it.

He thinks now that it happened so long ago that i should never question his integrity and i should trust him 100%.

No, you cannot trust him 100% anymore, he has proved that to you.

sounds like neither of you have actually pulled it apart and found out why he thought it ok to have an affair, it's been brushed under the carpet and his life has remained pretty much unchanged, nice for him, shit for you, because you have never actually found out the reasons why he thought it alright to break his vows to you, I don't think you can possibly be over it.

So he's just as supportive now as he was back then, sounds like he's using the 'wait till it blows over' approach which has served him so well in the past. The recovery from your H's betrayal sounds very solitary and his lack of understanding and continued detachment from your hurt must be very painful. However, I doubt very much that moving would solve your problem because I don't think getting away from the OW is the goal. I think the OW is a painful reminder of the very high price you payed for staying, which is being with an emotionally detached man.

You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. She's the one that took sloppy seconds. You should pity her if anything.
Don't let her make you change your children's schools

I live in a small town and bump into the OW frequently, Im afraid I either ignore her pointedly, or on bad days, Ive shouted at her, (it was exceptional circumstances that involved her speaking to my DC)
The last time I saw her unexpectedly, I asked her what the fuck she was doing there!!!
Im not sure I recommend any of this, but it makes me feel better mostly,
Do whatever it takes to heal

I can sympathise with this as my ex had an affair with the mother of a boy in the year above my eldest daughter in school. Fortunately as I'm a teacher I rarely had to drop off and pick up so there was little chance of me bumping into her. (Luckily I never did in the 6 years following the affair) I remember dreading assemblies, school productions etc just in case I would bump into her. We split up when he had another affair a few years later.
Just be careful and remain vigilant. After this affair I took him back and insisted on access to his phone/passwords etc. I thought that I was 100% sure of his movements. However, he informed me just before we divorced that he kept in touch with her for a while afterwards using a fake Facebook page! I'm so much better off (and happier without him) He's currently with the last OW and creating a story about how he divorced me because I was controlling etc (he frequently posts this on social media) They don't live together yet and are only having a 'spiritual relationship' until they get married 😂 (She's religious and he's converting despite previously being an atheist) I'm quite looking forward to her discovering that he's the controlling one, a nightmare to live with and rubbish in bed! I actually feel sorry for her in a way! 😂

My husband has shrugged it off, and said it's not a big deal

I wonder if he'd say this if he had to see the man you had an affair with at the school.
The lack of empathy with cheaters is astounding.

That behaviour shows that he doesn't get it.

Did you have marriage counselling after the affair? How did he show remorse?

And yes I'd be concerned he was making an effort because of her.

Plus one can always request AL and take the day off, so the shift pattern isn't a sure banker.