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Original poster

How do you deal with having to see the person your husband had an affair with?

62 replies

Zucchini07 · 11/11/2016 13:30

Hi :)

I'm new on here, I was just hoping someone could give me some advice. My husband had an affair quite a while ago in 2008, and I feel like I am over it and we have been able to move on.

In september our 4 year old started school- it is the same school that our older children have been to- and it was on the school run that I noticed that the person my husband had an affair with has a son in the same year as my son. It was a shock and and I have struggled to cope with seeing her everyday on the school run, as it is a reminder of very painful memories.

My husband has shrugged it off, and said it's not a big deal, but he seems to be making a bigger effort than he used to with our older two. I just don't know how I can handle seeing her everyday, and worried about assemblies etc, it has really put a dampener on my son starting school, as I have always enjoyed watching my older two in things at school, but now it fills me with dread :(

Any advice appreciated, thanks xx

OP posts:
HuskyLover1 · 11/11/2016 14:43

Now I see the ages of the older two, I think I'd look to moving the 4 year old to a different Primary. Because your oldest is in High School and your middle child will be off to High School soon. You'd only have to endure one more year of this hell then. Did he do the school run before, or is that new? Does her DH know about the affair? I'd certainly make sure he found out.

MidsummersNight · 11/11/2016 14:44

I think you should be both be embarrassed as each other.

Her for believing his lies and you for staying with him despite his lies.

WeAreUglyButWeHaveTheMusic · 11/11/2016 14:46

That's not really helpful is it, MidsummersNight? Whatever your personal position on it might be, and whatever mine was when I discovered my husband's affair, the OP decided to stick with it and is now 8 years down the line, so it must be working for her.

ahsan · 11/11/2016 14:48

Funny that, could have written this myself. I was groomed and sexually abused when I was 16. Was very immature for my age. The man was 47 married and I was his daughters best friend. I was completely abandoned by the family after I told them what happened(I took them as family) as I had a bad upbringing. Hurt me badly, I now have to do school run while they completely ignore me and find that her husband comes out for school run just to stare. Real shitty situation as you can never forget what happened when they are always in front of you but learnt to deal with it now and take the staring as a compliment. The reason I wrote this op is that I don't think a man like that can change and you'd be foolish to put your trust in him if he did that before to you, asspecially with him making more effort to look nice for school run. That would be ringing alarm bells in my head.

Original poster
Zucchini07 · 11/11/2016 14:50

Yes true, it would be a good time to move, and I am about to qualify as a nurse in september so it would be a good to move out of the area, but my husband is reluctant to move, and the older two hate the idea of leaving their friends.

He did the school run before, and he's not offering to do it when im at home, he only does it when im going to work. I'm not sure if her partner knows, but she has already got her comeuppance her partner also works with my husband, and it's been going round that he's had an affair recently. I was considering sending him a message, but worried i may seem crazy.

OP posts:
WeAreUglyButWeHaveTheMusic · 11/11/2016 14:51

Don't get involved in sending messages, Zucchini. Rise above it.

Original poster
Zucchini07 · 11/11/2016 14:52

I don't think that I should feel embarassed for trying to keep my family together, I decided to try and make it work primarily for my kids, but also because I loved him and wanted it to work.

OP posts:
adora1 · 11/11/2016 14:53

He seems to make more of an effort with his appearance on the school run, with my older two he used to throw a cap on and some jogging bottoms, but now he gets up earlier, has a shower and puts on smarter clothes.

So he is still trying to impress OW and still taking the complete piss out of you, you seem to be very passive about it all OP, I wouldn't be surprised if her smugness is because they are still at it.

WeAreUglyButWeHaveTheMusic · 11/11/2016 14:54

That's a big leap, adora.

If he and the OW were still at it, he wouldn't need to be impressing her to that degree on the school run, would he?

ahsan · 11/11/2016 14:55

Think you should move op no matter what your partner says as your the victim in all this, and he should respect how you feel. She might have moved to the area to rekindle with your man. wouldnt want an ex around my partner as it's dangerous. Anyway I'll stop now 😊

adora1 · 11/11/2016 14:55

Just read your latest, Jesus, they are all at it, JK style.

he's not offering to do it when im at home, he only does it when im going to work

Erm, so tell him to do it, offer, no, you tell him OP, if you can't trust your OH to drop off his son at school because OW will lead him astray what is the point in even trying with him?

Original poster
Zucchini07 · 11/11/2016 14:56

I can be 100% certain that he is not having an affair at the moment, because he cycles to and from work, and i have a print out of his shifts to arrange childcare around them- he's home within 20 minutes of his shift finishing and he's always at home with us when he's not at work. He rarely goes out.

OP posts:
adora1 · 11/11/2016 14:59

A big leap, how? The OP has said herself she is suspicious of his behaviour and now the OW has moved nearby, all very co incidental, perhaps but if my man had done this I'd certainly not be taking his word for anything, he's already proved he's untrustworthy, they all sound as bad as each other.

Not you OP! Feel for you, just angry that you are having to deal with this.

Original poster
Zucchini07 · 11/11/2016 14:59

Yes the more I think about it, the more I think moving out of area would be the best idea, as I have problems with his mum as well, because she is very manipulative and uses emotional blackmail to get my husband to do what she wants.

OP posts:
LtEsmeHansard · 11/11/2016 15:00

If he and the OW were still at it, he wouldn't need to be impressing her to that degree on the school run, would he?

Of course he would. That's the nature of affairs - the OW/OM gets all the effort made for them and the DW/DH gets nothing. And if it had just started up again or he was trying to get it to start up again he would of course be making an effort. Even if it hasn't I would think there is still something there and he would like it to for him to be doing that.

adora1 · 11/11/2016 15:03

Well that is good then OP but I'm afraid affairs can be conduced online nowadays in various modes, FB, Whatsapp and others.....hopefully he is not, just find it interesting that she would move to a place 8 years after the affair where she met your husband and they were together, why would you do that, you also said she would know your children were at this school - massive co incidence or she is trying to get him back.

His smartness doing the school run, also a co incidence, mmm?

Original poster
Zucchini07 · 11/11/2016 15:03

thank you adora1. I do trust him now don't get me wrong, I don't think he would have another affair, because I have told him that there will be no more chances. I know he would not want to risk losing us, because he is a family man, he always says he's never happier than when he's at home with us. we have split before, when he had the affair, and he didn't cope with being away from us very well.

OP posts:
adora1 · 11/11/2016 15:05

If he and the OW were still at it, he wouldn't need to be impressing her to that degree on the school run, would he?

Eh, that degree, by dressing smarter, erm yes he would do exactly that!

It could be emotional and being conducted online now.

adora1 · 11/11/2016 15:07

Sorry Zucch not in my eyes, a good man does not have an affair in the first place and destroy his family, or make you keep his secret from them as I guess they don't know.

So what if he didn't cope, he caused it all and should have suffered, I am glad you made him leave, too often women just brush it under the carpet and pretend it wasn't that bad, you never get the full truth either.

A family man, nah not then he wasn't.

How did the affair last, how did he see her if you know his whereabouts all the time?

Original poster
Zucchini07 · 11/11/2016 15:12

He met her during training so he was working 9-5 then, and said he was going out with the group. Then he started staying out all night, coming home at 11am, and saying that he stayed at one of the guys houses. He did that loads, then when I questioned it he said i was paranoid and crazy, and because of that he moved out to his parents, so that he could get away with it without being moaned at and questioned. I did kick him out after I found out for definite, and then went on a girls holiday to Kavos and left him with the kids, lol! xx

OP posts:
TheLegendOfBeans · 11/11/2016 15:16

muses on the matter further

This won't help you really but here's the thing - affairs have a habit of coming back to bite... and not necessarily the affair-er, but the family as a whole.

Loads of folk on here will say it shouldn't be your family that moves, and it's all on him. And they're dead right. Marriages can break up years after an affair has happened and the family unit has "moved on" because of unexpected shit like this that results in emotional deadlock between the absolved party that just wants it to all go away not being able to cope with their actions having a new, different negative effect years down the line and the family who have to react - again - to the consequences of the initial affair.

Personally, I'd suggest external advice, whether it be couple therapy or family therapy as you appear to be staring down the barrel of uprooting your life because of his affair. And that could break the marriage.

Original poster
Zucchini07 · 11/11/2016 15:16

my kids don't know about the affair, and i think my oldest daughter would be horrified, as she is very sensitive, and when we argue she says 'please don't split up'.

OP posts:
adora1 · 11/11/2016 15:18

He sounds awful OP, he totally disrespected you to the point he made you think you were going mad.

I take my hat off to you, I couldn't carry on with someone who treated me so badly, his apathy towards your feelings even today is shocking.

I just hope he can make you happy because it sounds like you are maybe there out of duty for your children rather than him?

diddl · 11/11/2016 15:34

"My husband has shrugged it off, and said it's not a big deal,"

Well isn't he lovely?

ahsan · 11/11/2016 15:35

Op your hubby hasn't considered your feelings and to be honest he making an effort to look nice on school runs is not cool. He should be making that effort towards you not how he will look when she sees him. Him not wanting to change the kids school is another alarm bell as it seems that he wants to continue to see her and sure enough he will make more effort to look handsome Hmm. Op to your husband this is not about you but about him and her and he doesn't want anyone getting in the way of them rekindling. Try speak to him about it if he strongly rejects then that tells you that its about his bum and not about you.