Abused when younger

[chocsandtwirls]

I've never told anyone this before, guess I'm embarrassed and ashamed. Been thinking about it a lot as I'm in an EA relationship atm and always tend to pick the wrong guys. Just felt like I finally needed to tell some.
When I was about 9/10 or younger my cousin used to sexually assault me. My memory is hazy so I can't remember exactly what happened and how many times but I remember being scared or him and him doing it a few times.
He's. 3 years older than me so must have been 12/13. When me my mum and sis would visit I'd go to his room to play on the computer. He wouldn't let me leave unless we did the "password". What I remember is him making me put my legs around his neck and squeeze. A few times when I had a skirt on he would make me sit on his shoulders but the other way around and put my skirt over his head. I think I remember laying in his bed and him being down there but that's only vague.
I once said to my other cousin does he make you do passwords, he just replied no and I remember trying to stay with them to avoid being on my own with him. He would be very forceful with not letting me out of the room and I remember a feeling of panic. Is it possible I could have blocked other things out of my head and that's why it's hazy?
Please no bashing, like I said this is the first time I've ever said anything at all!

Curious by making me do passwords? This is why I've never said anything out loud to anyone because I'd be judged.
What he did surely isn't right though?? Curious or not. You shouldn't make another child scared of you in that kind of way

pedant I'm not sure I'd agree that it's only sexual assault if it involves penetration by force.
It was under duress as OP was frightened and felt she couldn't leave the room without complying.

Curious isn't scaring another child and refusing to let them leave until they do what you want them to.

OP was not curious. She did not want to do this.

OP was under duress. She was a child who was being forced by an older child to do something they didn't want to again their will.

Abuse doesn't require force, just fear can be enough.

Thank you, you don't realise how relieved I feel with someone saying no it isn't right what happened. I've always tried putting it to the back of my head. Every now and then it jumps out again

Pendant if an 2 adults did the same thing it would be called abuse. How can you not give the scenario the same meaning when it's a child!

OP no one can tell you how you feel. I would call it abuse

I'm so sorry this must really be hard to think about.

In answer to your question yes it's quite likely you've blocked these things out of your memory. Our brains are clever and have a coping mechanism whereby it erases (at least from the easy accessible bits) things we feel like we can't cope with knowing.

Do you still see this cousin? It must be dreadful thinking about seeing him again.

Do you think it would help to talk about it with someone in RL?

Shocked at Pedants response.

OP you feel in your gut this was wrong and you felt forced to do this. You were not mutually "exploring" at all he was manipulating you and you didn't like it. It was v wrong.

Sarcasm it is tough but then also I feel strange like it didn't happen to me and I'm describing another persons situation. Does that make sense? I think I've always put it to the back of my head and tried not to think about it.
No I haven't seen him for years now, even now he's older I still think he's a bit strange. My dad sees him on a weekly basis as they all play football together. Says he's come out of his shell and he's a good guy!

Sorry if I'm being dumb but what's RL?

Oh real life? I don't know if I could. I just don't know how to come out with it. I don't even know if my parents would believe me and might question why I never said anything before

Why tell your parents? This is about you wanting to move on with your life and break the cycle of ending up in abusive relationships if I read your OP correctly. Much better to go to GP and ask about counselling. Or self help I.e. reading books, doing journaling, joining an online support group. In my experience there are very few people in RL who will be able to support you appropriately (by which I mean help you rather than hinder you in trying to heal yourself) and family are usually the worst culprits. So think very carefully what you are wanting to achieve by telling your parents. You are probably much better off focusing on yourself and taking control of your own boundaries.

I guess it was an example of who to tell. But you're right I just want to move on from it and stop getting in these relationships. I have already been to gp about my current EA relationship and enquired about counselling. The waiting lists are very long in my area. Think I just need to talk through things with a professional just to make sense of things in my head and not feel so confused all the time

Pendants response - shocking and ignorant.

OP yes you may well have blocked things out. There's a whole spectrum of what you could do from here. You may feel just talking on here has been enough for you or the other end of the spectrum would be to speak to a professional, be it your doctor, private therapist or even police.

From a criminal point of view, what you have described may well constitute a sexual offence already but i suspect that there is more memory in there which may come out over time. I would suggest you start by talking to your GP, give yourself some time to process your thoughts and emotions and deal with any other memories that come back to you and then decide if you feel that further action should be taken. Some victims find reporting to the police to be therapeutic and some don't feel the need. There would be done some evidence to be gathered i.e. the cousin you spoke to about 'passwords'. What I would say is that safeguarding others is also important and one for which i believe every citizen does have a fundamental responsibility. If he works with kids or does anything at all that means vulnerable people could be at risk you should report it. By reporting something you do not have to engage with any process you don't wish to.

You've been really brave to open up on here.

I do feel like speaking on here has helped but I think I also need to see someone too which I'll try to sort out.

The thing I'm worried about is that if things do come back it might not be a true memory and my brain might have made some bits up. I know the memories I've got now are real as they have never changed and I remember them.

He does have 2 children of his own but I thought because we were only years apart ourselves he wouldn't be a danger to children. Is that entirely wrong?

It's hard to say whether he would be a danger to children. He may have just been experimenting (still wrong), or he may be into those younger than him but at his age that might not have been significant.

In regards to false memory I think as long as no therapist (no good therapist would anyway) put words in your mouth. So if they just say how did that make you feel, what happened next etc they aren't putting false ideas in your head.

I'm very sorry that the first response you got on here was so shockingly ignorant.

Your feelings are valid, it is not an overreaction. Abuse doesn't 'just' mean penetrated by force/duress.

Please talk to someone about this if you can. I believe you, and other people will too. If you find the right person to discuss these things with, it will all be confidential.

OP please ignore Pedants response. Disgusting and ignorant.

Just wanted to underline that child-on-child sexual abuse is a thing even though it's not talked about much, and I think it does add another layer of confusion for those of us it's happened to because of the attitude that it was just children experimenting.

OP - please see your GP if this is troubling you, and you could also check out NAPAC.

If you like posting on forums, the best one I've found is at Pandora's Aquarium (pandys.org/forums), but there are others.

Thanks sarcasm

Peppermint it's ok. Not your fault what they posted. It did make me worry about what other responses might be but can see they were just being nasty. I'm trying to get help now. Unfortunately there's a long waiting list and the wellbeing nhs that my doc referred me to is a group session which I really don't feel comfortable with. Hopefully something comes up soon.

Thanks unsuccessfully

Chocs are there any charities locally that could help? That's how I got counseling, although it was still a long wait.

You could find out the number of your local SARC (Sexual Assault Referral Centre) and see if they can signpost you. They're more likely to know what's available in your area than your GP.

Maybe contact your local Rape Crisis Centre. I know it wasn't rape but they have lots of helpful numbers (I trained with them years back - they are excellent).

Also important point about the SARC - you can anonymously report the abuse to the police through them. Obviously if you want to take it further you can't remain anonymous, but you can at least make sure they know his name and I think they'll check if there have been any other concerns raised.

I've been to a few but long waits too. Called another today and she wasn't sure on the wait time so waiting to hear back. So I could make the police aware of him but remain anon?

Thanks sarcasm very helpful

So I could make the police aware of him but remain anon?

That's what I was told. It was all I wanted, just for there to be a record, so if anyone else ever came forward the police could see it wasn't a one off.

The SARC people were really lovely actually, went through all my options, and I found it really reassuring talking to them as they're just there to help you so there's no pressure to make any particular decision.

Replying to your point about him having children of his own. In reality, the chances are that he was a hormonally charged teenager who couldn't control his urges and acted upon them in an entirely inappropriate and potentially criminal fashion. However, some sexual deviants would display behaviour like his at an early age and would grow up still unable to control their urges or to adhere to appropriate sexual guidelines. It's impossible to say. Reporting your concerns anonymously would be possible, even through crimestopper - but like a previous poster mention, SARC (Sexual Assault Referral Clinics) will deal with you from a therapy point of view in confidence but will act as a liaison with the police where and if necessary.