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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help me get my mojo back

29 replies

anotheranonymousregular · 12/02/2007 14:50

testing testing

OP posts:
Original poster
anotheranonymousregular · 12/02/2007 14:57

okay so that worked

I have a lovely dh who I love dearly and who helps round the house, is v supportive etc etc etce

but I just don't want to have sex, I don't fancy it. there's nothing wrong with him, he's not doing anything wrong, i just feel so unsexy and unresponsive

he has been very udnerstanding but he is getting a bit pissed off now which I can underfstand; he says he doesn't feel wanted and I guess that that's true

I love to kiss and cuddle but I just don't want sexual contact; I just feel pressured (even though he's not pressureing me) and don't feel up for it

I'm just tired so much of the time with kids etc; and also I wonder how much of it is that I have a toddler scrabbling at me all the time. she's still bfeeding (is nearly 2) so is always after my boobs - but then thinking about it I felt more up for sex a year ago so that doesn't really answer it

i love my husband very much and just want to want to have sex with him. does nayone have any suggestions?

OP posts:
amynnixmum · 12/02/2007 14:58

I find that a night away on our own is the best thing for me.

mumto3girls · 12/02/2007 14:59

Its difficult but sometimes i think you have to do it..then you want it again...don't leave long gaps as it can sem hard to 'get back into the swing of it'....

Tortington · 12/02/2007 15:00

it mihg be a medical problem ?

you could try ggetting rid of kids for a while

you could just give it a go - good sex reminds you how good it is.

Original poster
anotheranonymousregular · 12/02/2007 15:00

that would be nice wouldn't it; but I have no-one to mind the kids overnight and haven't had for the past four years

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 12/02/2007 15:01

I don't have any real answers for you. But I do have lots of questions ...

What has changed since a year ago?

How do you feel about yourself? Is your energy level ok? Are you eating well? Are you exercising? Do you get time off, to do something you actually like?

Are you masturbating?

Are you ever attracted to anyone?

I do think that the best way to want more sex is to have sex, but of course it's tricky to get to the having sex bit without wanting it first ...

Original poster
anotheranonymousregular · 12/02/2007 15:01

we did do it the other night custardo and it was good to start with

but then I just went off the idea halfway through and felt a bit like, oh get off me

I don't know why

OP posts:
Original poster
anotheranonymousregular · 12/02/2007 15:03

actually notquitecockney I am tired and I have had some sinus thing dragging on for ages that the antibiotics haven't seemed to shift

maybe I should drag my sorry ass back down the gym

OP posts:
MissGolightly · 12/02/2007 15:06

I think all relationships go through sexual ups and downs. I have been with my DP well over a decade and there have been times when I've been the one more "up for it" and times (like now!) when he is the one making the first move. I use to worry about it, but have now come to the conclusion that you just ride it out and the urge comes back.

FWIW I do think that breastfeeding dampens the libido. I think people don't like to talk about it for fear of decreasing the bfing rates even further, which is fair enough, but certainly I have found it harder to get aroused since bfing, and I know several mates whose libidos only came back fully after they stopped. I am not saying stop bfing, but it might help you to think there might be a hormonal contribution to this.

I can only say (from my own point of view) that if I make the first move I feel sexier about it, sometimes I make the move even when I don't really want sex, but find that by seducing DP I am seducing myself (?! ok that sounds weird but you know what I mean!) Maybe just make up your mind that tonight will be the night, cook a nice dinner, put on some un-mummyish clothes, and try to remind yourself what it feels like to be a sexy person.

NotQuiteCockney · 12/02/2007 15:10

Woah, what made you go off the idea? That sounds a little worrisome and odd. Did you orgasm and then get bored of it? (Do you generally orgasm from sex with your DH?)

And what did you do when you got bored of it?

tittyfallol · 12/02/2007 15:13

rampant and rabbit springs to mind

Original poster
anotheranonymousregular · 12/02/2007 15:17

nqc yes I did, and yes I usually do - I think I was probalbly a bit more selfish than usual cos I wasn't really in the mood for it so I peaked too early so to speak

and then I just wanted to go to sleep and for him to get off me

I am a selfish bad woman I know

OP posts:
Original poster
anotheranonymousregular · 12/02/2007 15:18

it is normal though isn't it not to be all up for sex with kids?

there was a bloke on here moaning about his wife not long back and you all said it was normal

I'm just a grumpy old cow

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 12/02/2007 15:24

I have done both the not interested, and the getting bored once I'm done

It sounds bad, but kickstarting the first time with alcohol helps me... you lose any inhibitions etc and then at the end you get "why don't we do this more often?" feeling and can be sober next time.

God that sounds bad

motherinferior · 12/02/2007 15:26

D'you know what? You sound knackered. And absolutely saturated with physical contact so frankly yet another person however lovely wanting a bit of your body is a BIT TOO MUCH.

Which IMO is totally normal. I feel like it rather too much of the time too, and my kids are bigger.

PITA, isn't it.

Cappuccino · 12/02/2007 15:26

If I drink before sex I just want to fall asleep even more than normal though

my vote is for a nice bath together

motherinferior · 12/02/2007 15:29

...clearing out the toy boats first, I'd suggest. And the toy fish. And the whirring dolphin.

Cappuccino · 12/02/2007 15:30

and the smelly-haired disney mermaid

motherinferior · 12/02/2007 15:31

Better still, get him to do that. And to light the candles.

Original poster
anotheranonymousregular · 12/02/2007 15:33

thanks motherinferior - I do feel a bit more normal now

and the bath idea does sound nice, maybe for valentines

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 12/02/2007 16:04

Oh god yes, you do sound absolutely normal. I should have pointed that out, rather than just being in 'fix it' mode.

It is hard when you have demanding weirdo midgets grabbing at you all day, to suddenly switch into 'sexy hot lady' mode at night ...

OrmIrian · 12/02/2007 16:12

"And absolutely saturated with physical contact so frankly yet another person however lovely wanting a bit of your body is a BIT TOO MUCH. "

That is so true! After finally getting the kids to bed I have been known to snarl at the cat now when she tried to get on my knee

SaucyMoo · 12/02/2007 17:38

I think you need to feel sexy, and that can be by wearing naughty lingerie (Even if you really dont want to-just do it) and that can get you in the mood. The thing that works for me is a brazilian wax-reason being, if you go through all that pain it makes you think you have to have sex to make use of it otherwise all the pain is for nothing-and it will make you feel sexy..sounds silly but it does work!

filthymindedvixen · 12/02/2007 17:56

I'm sure we can all identify with your feelings....lol at NQC's demanding wierdo midgets!
My tip is, Do the blokey thing and think about sex - a lot! You know, get tuned in - every time you are shopping and see some nice undies, think ''phoooar, wouldn't I look hot in them..?'' everytime you see someone kissing, think about you kissing dh, everytime you see a raucnhy pic, imagine you being raunchy etc etc. Sometimes the more you think about it (in a positive way) the more you fancy the idea. that way, you are in control, rather than feeling 'pawed' over.

YeahBut · 12/02/2007 18:01

Completely understand where you are. I'm just exhausted all the time atm - dh working long hours so doing pretty much everything with and for the kids and home. Then dh wonders why I'm not up for swinging from the chandeliers at 11pm. No real advice, just sympathy.