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Original poster

Moving in with a man

64 replies

Summerlovinf · 07/11/2016 15:55

I've been seeing a man for a while and all going great. We often stay over at each other's houses, get on well with each other's kids (all teenagers), have been away together and do variety of things together. He's recently asked me if I think we will move in together. Although I enjoy having him stay over, i find it difficult to think about a man moving in. I'm not entirely sure why. I trust him and don't have any major misgivings. Anyone else had similar feelings?

OP posts:
Kel1234 · 07/11/2016 22:07

Id say if you have to think about it, you are not ready. You need to be 100% sure it's what you want before you commit to anything.
It was different for me. I was living in a student flat that I shared with a friend. She had to leave uni and therefore the flat, so I was on my own, my then boyfriend came to stay with me one day, and just never left. We got together in the May and by the October we were living together. But it was what we both wanted and we were happy about it (the following year we got engaged, married and had our first baby), so we did it all very quick, but it worked for us.
But everyone needs their own amount of time

AnyFucker · 07/11/2016 22:26

Better still...don't consider shacking up with a bloke who tramples all over your personal boundaries before he even has his feet under the table...

CalleighDoodle · 07/11/2016 22:32

Dont do it.

Kidnapped · 07/11/2016 22:55

Does he want to move in with you? The way you talk about the 'thought of his stuff here' makes it sound like he's angling to move in with you. Or does he want you both to get a new place together? Do you both earn similar amounts? How many children do you have between you?

There are a few problems here:

  • You both have children (I genuinely can't imagine that teenagers will be easier living together than younger children)
  • Can you even both afford a house to accommodate all the children?
  • In your first year of dating he grabbed another woman's arse
  • In your first year of dating, you've already split up once
  • You are happy the way things are

So, no. Too much hassle for too little reward.

Myusernameismyusername · 07/11/2016 23:25

I would feel similar OP. I think I would do it if my own kids had left home. I just frankly couldn't face trying to integrate my grumpy teens living with other children of any ages and all the palaver involved with bedroom sharing unless we were lucky enough to have a giant house or something

This sounds very grumpy but it's not just about me sharing in your situation but them too and it would put me off for that reason along with having to find room for other peoples stuff and Doing even more housework chores and being responsible for even more than what I already am. I'm a working full time single parent and I think I would be exhausted!

Romantic aren't I

Myusernameismyusername · 07/11/2016 23:28

My kids would hate sharing a room. They did till they were late primary and love having their own room. I would feel really guilty asking them to share now or bunk up with other kids . They have a baby sibling at their dads and all 3 of them in one room they hate it!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/11/2016 23:44

No. You have enough on your plate. This would add stress to your life, not make anything easier, except maybe for him.
At a minimum, wait until you are an empty nester, then you might not resent his stuff cluttering up your place.

Cricrichan · 08/11/2016 00:23

Stay where you are. All these teenagers under the same roof spells trouble. How would you split the housework, cooking etc? Discipline?

Original poster
Summerlovinf · 08/11/2016 07:22

He has mentioned buying a place together before but I live very conveniently for the school my son is at still so I'm not interested in moving. His kids don't live with him - one away at uni and other one lives w her mum (but sees her dad quite a bit).

We earn roughly the same. It does seem silly sometimes to have 2 houses and so many bedrooms between us not being used (Kids w me half the week) but I do like having my own place.

OP posts:
Blueskyrain · 08/11/2016 11:28

There's a lot of negativity towards men on this site - a lot of it due to bad experiences. Personally, I find that living with the right man is amazing. We both get a lot out of it, having eachother around is wonderful, and we love having a home together.

TheNaze73 · 08/11/2016 13:12

Sorry OP, late in replying. Should point out that I'm male.

It happens the other way a lot as well. Guess there are needy, high maintenance people of both sexes.
Going to Lakeside or Bluewater when out shopping & being ushered to the ring session is no fun either. Then being told so & so have moved in together & they've been together a lot less than us, or so & so have got engaged & they've been together 2 years etc etc.

Fundamentally, I think in all relationships, whether it's female or male & one party is racing ahead, the default position has to be neutral. Your chap, needs to reign it in a bit & go at your pace.

Good luck Smile

80sWaistcoat · 08/11/2016 13:16

Strongly recommend that you don't, just yet. Wait till the kids have grown up - there's a whole extra strain there with kids that if you don't have to add to a relationship you might as well not.

Original poster
Summerlovinf · 08/11/2016 14:14

Haha The Naze- sorry I assumed you were female. Yes I guess it does happen the other way. I think it's probably fair to have a chat with him rather than avoid the question or change the subject, which is what I did the last time this came up.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 08/11/2016 14:55

No worries OP. I think anything like this is important to discuss, if it's on someone's minds but, don't let yourself (and I know you won't from what you've said) be pushed into anything.
What I meant in my earlier response was, it was so important to some people in my life, that it was a deal clincher & they walked, which is fair play. Hope it all pans out ok

Gizacwtch · 08/11/2016 15:10

Watching with interest ... I'm having similar discussions with my bf .. Thinking of the future, and I'm just not sure either. I like having my own space, my own things,I don't know if I want his stuff around .. It's little things, like the way he washes up, dries his clothes on the radiator ... And the fact I think I would take on the caring role .. I already cook our meals most of the time.

It's complicated though, because we plan to move away when dd finishes school, in a few years so staying in our own homes won't be an option. I really want to move, we both do .. Difficult.

I'll watch the thread with interest!

Original poster
Summerlovinf · 08/11/2016 16:39

Gizacwtch - I don't have any hesitation in him staying over. That's fine I like it. Also don't mind him helping himself to things, cooking in my kitchen etc. I've emptied out one drawer for him and he's put some socks and pants etc in there...but that's it. I haven't got room for man stuff everywhere. Also I like the style of my house. It's pretty feminine. I like his house too, he is very stylish but I wouldn't choose that style. I'm not ready to share decisions like curtains and cushions...I enjoy having my stuff around me. It sounds silly but really I've never felt this comfortable before. He's welcome to come in but not to stay if you know what I mean. I couldn't imagine coming home and his friends being there. I can imagine a future living with him but not present yet. Maybe you're right...once my kids have left home.

OP posts:
IfNotNowThenWhenever · 08/11/2016 17:11

I wouldn't do it OP. Especially if you have had problems previously (arse grabbing. .?! Shock)
If you are meant to be together, then what's the rush?
In my experience, men do seem to be keen to cohabit. If a man feels like you're the one he wants to lock it down ASAP.
I've been in a relationship about the same length of time. Same sort of set up as you-got a drawer in the others house, both cook etc, he does odd jobs in my house occasionally. I know he is thinking we might get a mortgage together at some point..But I think my "point" will be way further down the road than his ideal time frame!
I like my own things too, and plenty of space to be alone. I definitely think marriage and living together works better for men. Even when they pull their weight, they seem happier with the conventional set up (Naze being the exception to the rule).

TheNaze73 · 08/11/2016 17:28

I wouldn't say I was the exception by any stretch however, my experiences were when I was in my 20's, now I'm in my 40's. I think like somebody posted the other day, single women are the happiest population & I get that & see why, especially post divorce & when dating again. Good post ifnot

singleandfabulous · 08/11/2016 17:54

God no, dont do it. What do you stand to gain?

Arse grabbing incident aside, as others have said, men gain most from cohabitation. Youll not only have the extra housework of him and his kids when they visit, youll also be left with the headwork too of organising their lives.

Ive lived with three men over the years and never would again.

HandyWoman · 08/11/2016 19:38

Dunno if you're like me OP but when you've been through the horrific turmoil of living with/getting away from/healing from an abusive relationship, establishing a home of your own gives you a real feeling of achievement, safety and security to retreat to. Living with a man again, and especially with kids involved, feels like abandoning that safety net and jumping back into the fire. Scary indeed! I would have to be 100% sure about the man and the expectations and super clear about the small-print regarding chores. Nothing wrong with thinking 'yes maybe one day but not yet' which is how I feel re my BF which is still a brand new relationship and novelty at 9 months in...

Myusernameismyusername · 08/11/2016 19:40

I agree with Handywoman.
My kids feel like this too. It's their home not just mine and I wouldn't be sure it's what's best for them

But I can't rule it out. I hope when mine are older it's something I would like to do again!

Blueskyrain · 08/11/2016 21:51

Goodness, does no body here live happily with partners/husbands? How utterly depressing a view of living together most of you have.

Myusernameismyusername · 08/11/2016 22:15

Thanks. I would feel the same about living with a woman if that's any help to you? Any adult. I'm not used to it and nor are my kids. It's a huge commitment and would have huge financial implications and involve a lot of upheaval. I can live with a man when my kids leave home and this would lessen my worry and create less child related issues.

AxminsterCarpet · 08/11/2016 22:21

I will never live with another man. At all.

HandyWoman · 08/11/2016 22:35

But Blueskyrain it's not just 'husbands/partners' it's new husbands/partners. People who are not related to the kids. Haven't grown up with them. Creating potential upheaval that really affects their lives and creates instability. Children are the passengers in it all and this makes it a huge undertaking with massive implications... that's what I reckon anyway. My BF agrees, fortunately for me. We haven't discussed moving, we are miles away from that, but if we do in future we will go at the pace of the most reticent one... also it's not all negative - there's something really rather nice about not rushing the dating stage, especially after years of a rubbish marriage.