My husband forgot my ultrasound scan

[Wallpaperpasta]

I'm pregnant and am having regular growth scans. On Friday I had my latest and they found a slight problem that will need further monitoring, my husband fully forgot.

He wasn't due to attend with me, but didn't ask how it went or anything. When I mentioned that he had forgotten in the evening he said it was my fault for not reminding him.

I'm wasting my time waiting for the man I married to reappear aren't I?

It's not being a male apologist to suggest the communication on both sides sounds lacking nor that people forget things (at least one woman has said her DH was the one who remembered scan dates).

His reaction "not good, what's for tea" and "it's your fault for not reminding me" sound terrible but to be frank so does opening the subject with an accusation "I reminded him he had forgotten" instead of opening the conversation by talking about what actually matters - the need to monitor the baby. Thats when a normal response would be "oh shit I forgot about the scan being today, sorry" and then more importantly concern and interest in the scan results.

Making it all about accusations of forgetting, expectations of apologies, allocation of blame is really unhealthy.

But clearly there is a massive back story which might put it all in context.

Forgetting a date is human frailty though not male. A shared Google calendar with automatic alerts would sort that.

The DH may be an arse, but not because he forgot a scan he wasn't scheduled to attend was happening on this particular date specifically.

I didn't open with "you forgot", I don't think I said I did.

But at some point I did point out (correctly) that he had forgotten because it was clear that he had, and I felt it needed to be addressed.

I understand it's annoying, but I don't think forgetting one scan of many in itself makes him a crap husband. You said he wasn't due to attend with you, so it's not like he left you hanging at the hospital on your own. Obviously he could have asked how it went & taken more interest, but if he's otherwise attentive, I would try & put it to one side.

My DH is usually great as a DH and a father but it's the sort of thing I could imagine him doing once in a while. I would be miffed but I would probably forget about it by the next day.

I think you should cut him a bit of slack if he is usually OK. Maybe he really is concerned and doesn't know how to express it. When I am really worried about something I try not to talk about it at all. Is it possible that he didn't want to hear bad news and doesn't know how to respond to it?

5more, no, but a couple of posters have said 'that's just men' or words to that effect, which is what the 'male apologist' comments are about.

TBH, if my dh had forgotten and then asked 'what's fur dinner?' after I had told they had found something but quite right, I would have had a right go at him.
Cutting some slack because you forget, yes.
Showing an utter desinterest for the health of your dw and unborn child NO.
Besides, as the OP has already explained, it's on a backgroubd of him not being a great dh anyway so...,

I read your other thread about him, OP, and felt very sorry for you. He's very self-absorbed, isn't he?

Don't go making big decisions now, as you're due next month, but do remember you deserve more than this man can give you.

I hope everything's well with your baby and you.

It's not just what men do. I've just had a baby and we had extra growth scans. DH never forgot as always contacted me to check how it had gone. That's normal behaviour for an involved husband and father.

Ah - I agree "that's men for you" is a bit... Netmums ... Sapphire - I'd mentally blended the "male apologist" post with the one above it saying that people talking about communication on both sides are wrong because he should remember (which was where my point about people forgetting not just men, and reference to the poster who said her DH remembered scan dates better than her came from).

I know I keep saying it but; no he isn't usually ok. He's unsupportive and cold and I just can't let this recent let down go in my head.

It all feels so very wrong.

Thank you Oooh and yes he is very self centred . I just can't believe I'm in this situation.

Unless there is an exceptionally good reason for forgetting (MH issues, bereavement etc) then no, of course it's not bloody OK. (And those of you who are saying it is, you need to go upgrade your standards! You shouldn't have to put up with this crap either).

Sure, no-one is perfect, but the right way to respond to being in the wrong on something this big is a bloody big apology. It is not to continue to blame the other person for your own faults.

Wallpaper - I hope you are OK. It sounds as though his fail in this case is linked to other cases where he's not giving you the love and care that you need. Which adds up to a pattern that is pretty difficult for you to handle. Does he recognise this as a problem as well, or are you stuck on your own dealing with it? What happens when you confront him about these issues - does he ever take responsibility?

No it isn't how men are. It's how some men are (and how some women are). They just reach a level of such self-involvement that nothing else flitters through their brain - if it's not about them, it doesn't matter. And it's just not good enough when you're in a committed relationship. It's not OK. Relationships won't work unless they are two-way.

Clearly there are other issues and this is not the only reason you are upset with him.

If we isolate this incident then yes you need to give him a break. He forgot. You got upset but rather than remind him you decided to leave it a make it an issue. He probably felt bad but couldn't admit it and blamed you. Games are being played by both sides.

If there are other issues then you need to mention this rather than drip feeding or referring to some other thread that most of us haven't seen.

The thing is that anyone can forget, but if a decent person forgot something so important, they'd be apologising like mad, asking how it went, etc. He hasn't done that, has he? What's more, he's actually blamed you!

Nope, that's shit. It's not 'men for you', it's thoughtless.

I had growth problems and regular scans and my DH came to every scan. He has a full on job and it wasn't easy arranging everything, but he managed. He also texted me around my midwife appointment times asking me to let him know once I'd got out. Since baby has been born, he's come to babies first jabs and always remembers to ask on days when baby has been for a weigh in or HV appointment.

I'm sorry your DH isn't being very supportive.

*Sorry that's baby's first jabs, not babies. Stupid iPhone autocorrect!

"Men for you"? As long as we keep making excuses for them, they'll keep on doing this. Not so say that some people aren't forgetful, but I can't imagine anyone saying "Women for you" if a woman forgot to attend or ask about their husband's appointment for, say, a possible heart problem or such.

My question would be to ask yourself "Would he have forgotten there was a activity/match?" and "Would he have forgotten to call his mate and ask what the score of the match or his mate's round of golf/tennis was?". Probably not.

There's forgetfulness and there's 'forgetfulness'.

I just give up.

I'm currently sat here dreading him coming home because I know he will turn a perfectly good day to utter shit.

Navyandwhite - I wish he had the excuse of a busy job but it's really not. He's only barely full time.

Across- no he never forgets anything to do with his hobbies and interests. It's just becoming clear I am not of interest to him!

You sound miserable and lonely :(

Your husband is being crap. I'm sorry, it's really not good enough.

What are you going to do?

My other thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2767980-Should-I-believe-this-Mental-Health-DH

I have no idea how to link. I didn't mean to drip feed I thought other threads could be accessed from clicking on profile names. I only have these two, im an unashamed name changer because he knows my usual name.

Geretrude- I am SO lonely. To make matters worse I have few friends because they dislike H. I want to leave him because I believe me and DC deserve better but because of his utter disinterest in DC I'm terrified of having to hand them over to him, he just doesn't show interest and I'd be worried they would be damaged in some way.

By staying with him I at least can supervise everything.