I'm so exhausted.

[EllieTheExasperated]

I am constantly anxious, on edge and struggling with depression.

And today is the first time I've starts to suspect that maybe it isn't just the miscarriages or me.

I've just spent ten minutes arguing, in front of my children and my mum, at my mums house, with Dh.

Why?

Because of me getting excited about a hobby that he doesn't approve of. That he is convinced I will flirt with other men while I'm doing it.

A hobby that I only partake in when the dc's and Dh wouldn't be with me anyway and I have spare time.

And I'm just so tired of it all.

I'm tired of that sick feeling I get in the pit of my stomach whenever ANYTHING has made me happy because I know he'll try to rip it to shreds and moan about how brain washed and 'mainstream' I am.

And the constant accusations are wearing me down.

He reads my internet history, my facebook, my messages. I have nothing to hide, do nothing wrong and yet find myself CONSTANTLY having to explain myself. No I don't fancy him. No I don't talk to strangers. No I'm not running off with other men.

And now he moans at me that I don't want to be intimate.

I just want to have a peaceful life. I just want to not have to constantly be choosing between letting him bitch at me to keep the peace or argue back in front of the dc.

I just want to scream.

He is contributing a lot to how you feel. His behaviour is terrible and no one deserves that. Do you feel strong enough to call it a day?
Kids will listen, they will react, they will be affected. Do what's right for them and you.

Sorry I dont have any good advice for you except to say that he sounds like he is very controlling. Would you be able to access a phone when he is not around and listening so that you can contact Womens Aid. The way he is behaving is not normal in a loving partership. Well done to you on recognising there is a problem Thats the 1st step to getting yourself sorted.

You shouldn't be feeling sick every day worrying about how to keep him off your back. He's abusive. You don't need to put up with that. You know you would be better of without him. If you parents know what he's like then use them for support and make a plan to free yourself.

I honestly don't know.

I asked him a while back to go to his nubs for a bit for some space and he just outright refused because 'that's how it starts'

It's so hard because I really do love him (I know everyone says that) when he isn't being a paranoid miserable git.

I tell him all the time, I try to show him and it just falls on deaf ears.

I feel guilty because I always said I wouldn't want to stay with someone I constantly argued in front of the dc with because I grew up with that and it was miserable. I used to beg my mum to get divorced.

And now I'm doing it

I'm also in a very vulnerable position at the minute. I don't know what would happen with finances etc.

He's just done what he usually does.

I said how embarrassed I was arguing in front of mum and didn't want to argue while dc were there either so he stopped ranting about my hobby.

Then about five minutes later he comes up, hugging me and saying sorry I'm not angry with you etc. and gets all arsey when I don't want to cuddle.

He's eyeing me up because I'm looking at my phone now. No doubt later on I'll be getting the usual 'Let's discuss how upset it makes me that you occasionally look at your phone and don't tell me immediately, in detail, about what you are reading and thinking about. And how terrible it is that sometimes you even write online where strangers can see'

It's become so predictable and annoying. I'd even stopped touching my phone to try and avoid it.

Do you know what happened?

He moaned at me for how I always looked at it anyway!

I appreciate you are only getting one side to this and his opinion would be different but I just feel so constantly stressed. It's unrelenting and I think my health is starting to suffer.

It sounds like a very bad decision. Can you make an exit plan? Privately? Anyone in rl you trust and could help?

No, no friends at all.

We were best friends for years, I have no idea how we ended up like this, I knew he was a little over protective but fuck me.

Afterthestorm he's probably laugh his arse off if I called him abusive. He's said before my ex used to hit me so how could he possibly be abusive?

Yeah mumsnet is a huge hate of his. He used to read all my posts before I discovered private browsing.

I've read threads on here before and recognised people saying this behaviour wasn't normal but just put it to the back of my mind.

If you don't mind me asking did the feeling of stress go away? Did your ex keep accusing you of things too?

He is abusive and controlling, and unfortunately this sort of behaviour tends to get worse rather than better over time.

I would start to think seriously about an exit strategy.

Sounds like you are not ready to LTB. In the meantime, you need to stop pandering to him. Pandering hasn't worked, it has only made you more miserable and has perhaps encouraged him to be more demanding.

If I were you I would start with a statement that you have no intention of cheating on him, you find it insulting that he believes you might, you will therefore not be reassuring him about any person or any situation. If he truly believes you would cheat then he should leave or get therapy for his unfounded anxiety.

You have to follow through on it though and absolutely refuse to engage in any conversation or reassurances about hobbies or facebook or the man in the coffee shop or anything like that, no matter how much he squeals and accused you.

Men who accuse you of cheating are usually cheaters. You see if a woman came onto them they would go for it. He assumes you would do the same and everyone knows that women get offers more than men so he's paranoid.

Go out and make friends. You will need them when you LTB. Let him have his tantrums. Go out anyway. Take every sulk and tantrum as a sign that you are doing the right thing in making an outside life.

RunRabbitRunRabbit a lot for me to really think about there thank you.

Yes it's definitely has been getting worse.

It seemed to start just after dd was born.

Afterthestorm thank you and well done. I'm jealous!

When he starts on No doubt later on I'll be getting the usual 'Let's discuss how upset it makes me that you occasionally look at your phone and don't tell me immediately, in detail, about what you are reading and thinking about. And how terrible it is that sometimes you even write online where strangers can see'

What do you do?

I'd turn it round on him. "I find it deeply disturbing that you get upset about my completely normal behaviour. I can no longer support this bizarre behaviour. If you get upset then please see a therapist because I can't help you."

If you do this, you must be absolutely vigilant about not accepting any responsibility for his feelings, don't justify yourself, don't negotiate your online presence with him. You must keep it 100% on him being upset is due to his uncontrolled anxiety which is down to his issues, not down to your behaviour, he is the one who must change behaviour if he wants to be happy.

Of course, if he is a total controlling twat, he will fucking hate that and will probably have the screaming heebie jeebies at the idea of him being the problem, him solving it himself and you doing whatever you want.

RunRabbitRunRabbit I usually end up trying to ignore him or saying sorry and that I won't look at my phone/ do my hobby etc.

Fucking hell why have I done that!

My ex was exactly the same. It's abuse. It was very very difficult to walk away and really only managed it because it all started escalating and suddenly I felt I had no choice.

I can't tell you how extremely relieved I was to be free of that. It was exhausting. And anxiety inducing. He was a huge weight pressing down on me all the time. It is so wonderful not to second guess myself all the time, or have to defend myself or to be questioned and criticised and be found lacking.

Relief, relief, relief. And worth any bit of difficulty there was in leaving, though I know it isn't at all straightforward.

I'm afraid I don't think refusing to pander him will help. You can't just get an abuser to stop abusing you like that. I used to physically leave the room and shut down and refuse to talk at all with my ex. He'd sit next to me or outside a locked door for hours if needs be, repeatedly calling my name and badgering me. The crucial thing is he really couldn't stop himself. He didn't know how to function beyond being abusive.

Start having a read up about the cycle of abuse (minimising it is part of it). Have you read Lund Bancroft's book? It's often recommended on here

I agree that stopping pandering won't stop an abuser. It helps the victim get back to being themselves faster.

An end to pandering means the victim has started to put equal (or greater) value on meeting their own needs, which is often something they've forgotten how to do.

When you decide to stop pandering, it is freaky.

You realise how much you did it. You realise how scared you are of the bully's aggression. You start to make decisions on the basis of what is right, not on how much abuse you'll get, or at least recognise you did the wrong thing purely because you were avoiding the inappropriate aggression. You start to see the aggressor's tantrums for what they are. You start to get angry that you sacrifice many aspects of your own life to make them happy, but they won't do the same for you, they won't even make a damn appointment with a therapist or even stop with the me me me me me for more than ten seconds.

Then fog of confusion lifts, and you find it much easier to step away and LTB if necessary.

Good post Rabbit.

I felt really jittery and miserable just reading that OP, I cannot imagine what it must be like living it.

You argued in front of your mum for 10 minutes, what's her view? If you were my DD I'd of asked him to leave, he needs help.

Rabbit's post is spot on, you will never appease him and trying to will only make him worse. If you stand up to him what would happen?

I wish I had RunRabbit advise me five years ago, speaks such sense.

My Dm, though I love her, is very much a 'stay together at all costs for the dc' sadly.

No doubt she'd be on my side but I know she would disapprove and insinuate I couldn't cope as a single mum.

We have been here all day today and are about to go back. That will be when I'll find out I guess. I'm not doing this endless dance anymore!

To be fair he isn't often aggressive, more disapproving and relentlessly emotionally needy.