How could I get it so wrong again !!!

[moonie70]

Feeling so upset today and need to see how some of you would feel after a date I had on Friday .
Been talking on and off to someone for a year had a few dates which lead to an invite over to his house and an offer of him cooking .
I know he is successful and an over confident to the point of being obnoxious and well plain big headed
As he has money he had already asked me to go to Morroco for new year depending on how things progressed .
I felt overwhelmed by his direct approach but thought I'd give it a chance as his arrogance might be because he's showing off , his car alone is worth over 50,000 plus alone .
He's talked of one of his female friends being in love with him but I'm not to worry because he finds her tonplastic looking and he would never go there.
His last relationship ended at the start of October and was on and off for 1 year , when they were off he would contact me .
We met on tinder, he assured me he really wanted us to try to make a go off things as he really liked me .
My issue fast forward to us ending up in bed , I found him very demanding and wouldn't take no for an answer at his request for oral sex , I tried sorry to much info but I have a jaw that's clicks and is sore and he is well endowed and I couldn't do it .
He said oh go on give me a blow job you have 3 options up the bum , front penetration or blow job , I said no I don't want to and he said well I won't let you go till you do , I'll kidnap you and rape you , WTF my blood ran cold , I said don't say that and he passed it off as a Joke , well I wasn't laughing .
I was still tired and hung over from the night before and just wanted a hug and to rest.
When we did have sex he was rough as in not going slow with penetration , even tho I said ouch a few times he still carries on , no concern for my feelings at all . He just went at it like a power drill and I faked pleasure even tho I was hurting 😞.
He said I can't wait till we go on holiday I'm going to bang you senseless.
I've been in an abusive relationship before and he knows this and I'm over sensitive but I feel completely violated and upset by his actions.
I felt like he wanted sex as many times as he could before he dropped me off home ,
I don't sleep around and I'm so disappointed that even tho my gut was telling me he wasn't right for me I put myself through this .
Please someone tell me is this me or was he completely out of order here.

I've blocked him as I'm in bits today and sore down below as he was rough , I feel such a fool .
Please can someone give me there perspective on this

Block.

Do not open any more dialogue with him now.

Ok I won't respond but his reply is like there's something wrong with me , I'm so confused , I'm right to feel hurt arnt I , I'd blocked him before this time cause I was so unsure of him , but gave it another chance , who thinks jokes about raping someone is funny !! Do they Jesus I'm cured what does that even mean ,

I would ask MN to delete those screenshots immediately. This is a public website and you leave yourself vulnerable by reproducing them here.

Do you have someone in real life you can call to talk to?

His oblivious attitude to your distress and the fact he joked about rape is very troubling, he's a bully in every sense. Despite the fact he mentioned those "options" in a way you had very little room for manoeuvre and I can see why you didn't leave considering the pressure.

So sorry this happened to you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you whatsoever it's him that has the issue and it wouldn't surprise me if he crosses over to rape in the future.

I couldn't even read that to the end. Please tell me you've blocked this psycho from your life ?

No the best thing in your life is you DC not a self entitled obnoxious dick head who obviously thought he could treat you that way. He is playing mind games. Do not engage he will gaslight you with his version of events.

I agree with the posters who recommend rape crisis. You do not have to pursue this legally but you do need some support to help you move past it. And possibly the freedom programme? That may help you spotting red flags for future potential dates.

So sorry this happened to you

Look love, he is a psychopath

You have a had a very lucky escape. I suggest you stop trying to understand his behaviour and stop questioning yourself.

There is no reasoning with abuse

"like I'd rape you" = moi? when I'm so charming and such a catch?
"my feelings aren't to be messed with" = threat
"you lied" = him trying to assert he is superior to you
"I made you promise" = controlling behaviour
"You've just lost the best thing that could of ever happened to you" = guilt tripping you
"You'll be sat there now knowing it" = mind games, he ain't got a clue what you are really thinking
"Don't suffer fools or play games" = also a threat, he has a massive ego to try to tell you what to do
Conclusion: one really nasty piece of work.

Thank you everyone , I've spoken to a friend who's been really supportive , I don't think I'm strong enough to go to the police , I need to rest and look at things in a fresh light tomoz , thank you again

You do what you need to do. That is all. Arrange to see your supportive friend again.

You poor love .
You have had a very lucky escape .

Hi ,have read your updates in absolute horror ,he is no man believe me ,glad contact is over between you, don't make any hasty decisions, talk to your friend ,take things a day at a time ,I think the police would be a good idea ,he sounds like a danger to women ,.take care
From a male I am disgusted to call him a man

Why on earth are you still texting him? Why did you not block him as soon as you got out?

Oh god I feel sick at reading this. please please report this dangerous man to the police. Get injuries seen and logged by a doctor and get some counselling. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault, it's his.

Please report this arsehole . He will continue to treat other women this way . You poor thing

I think it would be a good idea if you took yourself out of the dating scene until you've been in counseling for awhile.

I had truly, truly horrible judgment in men and that's what I did. When my counselor asked me what I wanted to accomplish in counseling I told her "I want to know why I pick such shit men and how do I stop doing it! I want to train myself to appreciate 'normal' instead of looking for the 'bad boy' or falling for the flash bullshitter!".

I committed with my counselor to stop dating until we both felt I was ready. Took almost two years but I accomplished my goals.

Before counseling I wouldn't have looked twice at my DH, he wasn't 'my type'. Thank God I didn't meet him until after counseling. We've been married almost 30 years and have two grown sons.

I'm a counsellor at a Sexual Assault Referral Centre, many police stations have them. You can ring and make an appt to see an Independent Sexual Violence Advisor. They will listen to your experience and give some advice on what could potentially happen if you did choose to report, they will not pressure you to do so though. They also have an examination suite and medical professionals. They can refer you for counselling there too.

Many of my clients there have been medically examined and spoken to the ISVA but chosen not to take it any further, this is absolutely fine. Many people find the experience very validating and reassuring, whether they choose to report or not. Once the evidence is there and logged you can return to it in the future if you change your mind.

Just something to think about 💐

I also hear rape crisis are good, we don't have one in our area though and you may not either but it's worth checking out.

the thing with experiences like this is, the temptation is to try and sweep it under the carpet and not think or talk about it again. This often only works to a point as we find it festers away at the back of our mind and can affect us in other ways; anxiety, panic attacks, depression, low self-esteem, feelings of guilt and shame, PTSD etc.

In my opinion it's better to work through things like that as they happen as they tend to have less of a long term impact that way. Again this does not have to involve reporting.

An update on how my week has been , Monday I went in work trying to carry on as normal but broke down in front of my work colleagues . I was told to go straight to the police station and this is what I did .
I was treated lovely from the woman on the desk to the specially trained POfficer that spoke to me .
The general gist is Yes he was very much in the wrong and if I wanted to could Persue it .
I kept asking for reassurance that he had done wrong to me as if I didn't believe it myself .
It was his comment of rape only being a joke and his lack of remorse when I messaged him .
I rejected him by blocking him and he was more concerned with that than his actions .
I went to Hospital to talk to a Doctor and nurse who was going to do forensic testing but as we had already had consensual sex it would of been to no avail .
What I came away with was the feeling of being 100% supported in what ever decision I made .
I choose to not take it further as I'm not strong enough and he would just pay for a hot shot lawyer and say it was consensual .
My friends have been supportive but sadly my male manager not so much after 2 days off on my return he didn't even ask if I was ok , that hurts 25 years I've given to my job.
I feel sad by that as the last he knew I was going to prosecute and I said I'd need support.
Today woman's aid rang me as if by magic as I'd been referred for counciling anyway as I've had a 8 year abusive relationship in my past that I struggle with and I'm making bad choices in men .
No one pays my bills no one but me keeps a roof over my children's heads I do it all so why do I think I need anyone let alone someone who has so many red flags waving around .
I need to do the freedom programme to stop the cycle .

I have counselling in 2 weeks so I'm lucky I don't have to wait to long.
I've been in a kind of daze all week , but I'm strong I will move past this .
He had a young daughter so don't want to turn her life upside down .
I'm sure he's back on Tinder but I have to think about myself and try to not think about what he's doing , I was going to report him to Tinder but I'm not so sure.
Thanks for the replies

It sounds as if you're beginning to climb back into your life. Take it easy and do get counseling.

As far as your manager, it may be that as a man he's uncomfortable with the situation or that he just can't think of the right thing to say. I'd cut him some slack if you think that's a possibility.

Oh hunni

You need to block his number, now!!
It's not your fault he is a disgusting creature, to hell with the jumper, count yourself lucky and run for the hills

Well done, I'm glad you are seeing a bit clearer now. He did something very wrong, and it wasn't your fault at all.

I was worried when you seemed to want validation from him that you were allowed to feel upset by what happened. He's never going to say 'yes I can see why you found my threatening behavior scary and I did it to force you into having sex with me'.

He's a vile vile man. And will continue to be so.

You are safer away from him.