What would happen with our Children?

[Scruffles]

I've been in a pretty rubbish relationship for a while. I've posted on here before under a different user name and was told to leave as he seemed abusive but I wanted to give it one last go. The relationship is dead though, I was just in the middle of telling him something and he cut me off mid sentence to speak to our daughter. He has no interest in me at all, if I'm talking to him about something he either ignores me or gives me a monosyllabic grunt. He'll be my chatty when it's about his work or interests though.

I really want to leave but I'm worried about our daughters. He is really hard on our eldest, she's 3 and if she asks for a drink or something but doesn't say please he won't give her one, he seems to provoke her and then punish her for it and sends her up to her room for the smallest reason. We were at a hotel having a breakfast buffet once and there was a cake that she asked for. He put it on his plate and said she had to finish her bread before she was allowed it. She took a bit of cajoling to eat but then as soon as she had he said it had taken too long so he ate it in front of her. She was really upset and he punished her for how she was acting.

He has a really specific punishment that he uses if she is having a tantrum or shouting at him, and he's started using it if she won't do as he says. I'm not sure if it's abusive or just really bad parenting, I can't put it in here though as it would be really outing if he came across it. I'm going to call women's aid to ask their advice on that though.

Despite all that my 3 year old adores him, when he's not being a prick he is really good with her, basically he can be a big kid and he plays really well and is a lot of fun but is shit and can't cope when it gets hard. I've told him in the past that our eldest can be scared of him and he sees that as a good thing.

We also have a 14 month old who is very attached to me and I am still breastfeeding. She will only be comforted by me.

I'm really scared that if I leave and he gets joint custody that I will have to leave them with him for any length of time, it's one of the reasons I'm still here. I don't trust him with them. Our youngest was ill and I was looking after her upstairs for a few hours in the morning. I came down at about 11 to find him asleep on the sofa and the 3 year old in front of the laptop hungry because he hadn't fed her. I'm also scared that I would be made to stop breastfeeding so that she could stay with him.

I get told constantly how lucky I am to have him because of how great he is so I don't know if anyone would believe me if I said that I didn't trust him.

Has anyone got any advice?

Thanks

Nice, blame the woman and not the abusive jackass.

Very helpful furryminky -(not)
Agree that OP needs to speak up for the kids but put the blame where it belongs. OP is looking for a way out and to protect her kids-she can do without comments like yours.

I left exH, taking dd with me, when dd was 18 months. I completely get the fear about unsupervised contact. It has been difficult and I don't like the way exH has treated and continues to treat dd.

However, if I compare how things are with how they would have been if we stayed, I'm very very happy that I left. I hope that by leaving, I've given her the message that his behaviour is wrong. She spends most of her time out of the environment that he creates. She gets a good home life with me, and there is a clear contrast with the time he spends with her.

If he can't be bothered to feed the dcs properly when he's with them, I think there's a good chance that he won't bother much with seeing them, and might be absolutely appalled at the idea of doing 50:50 childcare. He'll probably threaten it to try to stop you leaving, but he sounds far too lazy to do it.

My experience is that it's still worth leaving. It might mean that you have to leave them alone with an unsatisfactory parent for stretches of time, and that can feel awful. But it means that for the rest of the time, things are so much better, and you get to be the parent you really want to be for them.

OP, the important thing is you are trying to work out what's best for your DDs now. Other posters who have not walked in your shoes cannot know what they would do or not do.

Sorry, I should have found different wording to game playing OP. But I would stick to being direct and very honest rather than tactical.

On what we know I doubt social services would have a role but there is clearly another element bothering you OP. In which case I wouldn't be using it to try shape contact but dealing with it - and thinking about contact after.

You need help with your concerns whether you leave now or not.

My ex was always right, a discussion was me undermining him. I understand what that is like. But he doesn't have to respect the health visitor. He just has to be bright enough to know her views matter. And maybe maybe something on a parenting course would get through. He might care enough about seeing DC to pay attention to someone.

Both 50/50 and no contact are unlikely, the reality is somewhere in between.

Time apart from DC is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But - I think they have adjusted far better than I have. I know that things are better overall now for them. My youngest is 2 though. 14 months is so little. I completely understand your feelings.

I hope you talk to someone so you can start to feel less trapped. Just sharing your situation might help you start to work things out. its not nice feeling like you have no choices.

Scuffles it must be quite over whelming working out what to do for the best. LTB is rarely an easy step. You don't have to make an immediate decision.

You could start to live as though you are a single parent and plan your escape. I found it much easier to deal with my situation once I stopped expecting anything from my exP - I used to just get on with looking after the DC on my own, making nice memories, and basically not expect exP to do anything to enhance our lives.

I did this for about a year before asking him to actually leave (he'd checked out a while before then though). One of the reasons was that I didn't want to leave DC in his sole care, but thought they'd be able to handle it better once youngest DC could talk etc. I think they were 3 when I asked him to leave, settled at nursery, and the eldest was settled at school.

And funnily enough, he is now a much better dad to them than he was when we were together. I think it's because I handle all the mundane stuff - sorting homework, clubs, after school care, etc, that he can just focus on having a good time with them. He appears to be a much calmer parent - maybe it's because he's not with me and resenting me, we're not bickering etc?

I have lost my life a little bit, in that he does change plans and I let him, so my social life takes a back seat. This is because I don't want the DC to be with him if he doesn't want them at a particular time. I'm ok with this, as I'm happy if DC are happy and I knew I'd be taking on more responsibility when we separated.

Being master of my own home, and being able to parent how I want, is worth sacrificing a bit of my social life. I'll get t back when they are teens and don't want to hang out with mum anymore.

Toastie is right - there is only so much you can do about other people, it is not OP's job to "fix" her DP, or "save" her DC from DP. Unfortunately it is not possible to make her DP disappear. She can only do her best in the circumstances, and part of that is not taking responsibility for her DP's behaviour. All this rubbish about not "allowing" her DP to treat their DC badly is all well and good in theory, but reality is very often not like the theory.

I agree with what you are saying misscph . The only thing I would say is that OP has a responsibility to protect her young DC as best she can.

I have often seen on here that the non-abusing parent is as much to blame and I find that a bit simplistic.

It's a difficult area, isn't it? No one can control their partner. We can only do our best, parenting is never going to be text book perfect, just as we can never predict how our partners turn out as parents, or how life turns out.

It certainly isn't black or white.