What would happen with our Children?

[Scruffles]

I've been in a pretty rubbish relationship for a while. I've posted on here before under a different user name and was told to leave as he seemed abusive but I wanted to give it one last go. The relationship is dead though, I was just in the middle of telling him something and he cut me off mid sentence to speak to our daughter. He has no interest in me at all, if I'm talking to him about something he either ignores me or gives me a monosyllabic grunt. He'll be my chatty when it's about his work or interests though.

I really want to leave but I'm worried about our daughters. He is really hard on our eldest, she's 3 and if she asks for a drink or something but doesn't say please he won't give her one, he seems to provoke her and then punish her for it and sends her up to her room for the smallest reason. We were at a hotel having a breakfast buffet once and there was a cake that she asked for. He put it on his plate and said she had to finish her bread before she was allowed it. She took a bit of cajoling to eat but then as soon as she had he said it had taken too long so he ate it in front of her. She was really upset and he punished her for how she was acting.

He has a really specific punishment that he uses if she is having a tantrum or shouting at him, and he's started using it if she won't do as he says. I'm not sure if it's abusive or just really bad parenting, I can't put it in here though as it would be really outing if he came across it. I'm going to call women's aid to ask their advice on that though.

Despite all that my 3 year old adores him, when he's not being a prick he is really good with her, basically he can be a big kid and he plays really well and is a lot of fun but is shit and can't cope when it gets hard. I've told him in the past that our eldest can be scared of him and he sees that as a good thing.

We also have a 14 month old who is very attached to me and I am still breastfeeding. She will only be comforted by me.

I'm really scared that if I leave and he gets joint custody that I will have to leave them with him for any length of time, it's one of the reasons I'm still here. I don't trust him with them. Our youngest was ill and I was looking after her upstairs for a few hours in the morning. I came down at about 11 to find him asleep on the sofa and the 3 year old in front of the laptop hungry because he hadn't fed her. I'm also scared that I would be made to stop breastfeeding so that she could stay with him.

I get told constantly how lucky I am to have him because of how great he is so I don't know if anyone would believe me if I said that I didn't trust him.

Has anyone got any advice?

Thanks

Hogging the thread here but OP, are you intervening when this animal is mistreating your daughter ? You really have to, did you challenge him on either of this incidents ? You said somewhere maybe he's right and you're overreacting ? You cannot overreact to ABUSE OF A CHILD.. you cannot allow him to treat your children this way.
Id actually do time if someone tried to treat my daughter that way.

So sorry to read that Ayeok, really am.

Thanks MiMi, after many years and lots of counselling we're close now. It took a lot of work from both of us though.

Just clicked what your username is too! Haha, brilliant!

I know I've failed them by staying, I'm just really worried about the alternative. I still am, at least if I'm here I can step in and be there for her. How could I leave them with him at the moment?

Then don't leave them with him, go as far as you can and cut contact until you've got yourself and your kids in a safe, secure, steady place. He is a child abuser, stop making excuses and feeling sorry for yourself. You need to act, now.
I know that was blunt, it wasn't meant to be nasty, but all this prevarication and self pity isn't helping your kids.

Ayeok I know ! Ha love her, take no shit from anyone ! Haha
Glad to hear your relationship with your mum is better now, hope she's righted some wrongs x

scruffles I understand your dilemma and agree with you somewhat, better to be there then him be alone with them.. Are you intervening though ? Can you say to him, listen that's not on, that's just cruel/unnecessary/too much/not deserved or whatever the case may be ??
My husband isn't as patient as me but he's never cruel to our daughter (if he were I'd have his balls for breakfast if he did)if I think he's handled something wrong or OTT or whatever I say it to him & he listens and thinks shit yeah you're right Mimi and takes a different approach the next time. Have you ever had a conversation with him about "discipline" ? You need to say what you think it appropriate and what's not. And how he is is more than inappropriate. Is he cruel to you ?

I bloody loved Shameless! Although the Gallaghers reminded me of my then in laws she has righted a lot of wrongs, she was ill last year and it gave us the push we needed to fix things or give up.
OP, I realise my last post was harsh and I'm sorry if I upset you. You are minimising because his abuse has become normal, but I beg you to get you and your children to a place of safety. The rest can come later. This is why we have a welfare system, so people in need aren't stuck when they need help. Please OP, get them out, before he really does do damage.

OP Please don't panic about posts. You've been trying to do the best you can for your girls and it sounds like a confusing place to be. Can you call the health visitor team tomorrow and ask for an urgent visit? Be completely honest with them, they will be able to give you some perspective and support. If you struggle to get hold of them can you get a GP appt on the day? - I know surgeries vary. Your GP will have access to health visitors or other sources of help too.

I agree with, you actually need to get them away from him completely. I'd leave the country to my kids away from a nasty abuser. Where will it end ? He could hit them & babies need love and to be able to trust their caregivers, your poor child must to be so damaged already getting mixed messages from him, he's cruel then nice, she will be afraid of him, he will frighten her into submission and stifle her personality and self worth, this will perputuate for her her whole life, she will think this is how men treat women. My dad is a classic protector, even now when I'm upset about anything just talking to him soothes me and I'm 33.. I can safely say I don't have one memory of my dad being mean.. that's how every child should feel and especially daughter about their dad.

Ayeok love Frank Gallagher (they remind me of my cousins a bit) scatter.. partay !
My son Mickey Maguire was my fav character !

I loved Mickey! Although Jamie was my favourite

Ayeok I don't need to ask why ! Ha :)

Nope

I've spoken to him several times about it, he says that he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong but that if I'm not happy then I need to come up with a different way for him to deal with things. He puts it all on me and says it's for me to work out new ways for him. He's completely clueless. I have to time it right to speak to him, if he's not in a very good mood he'll just blow up at me and it doesn't achieve anything.

I have been thinking of speaking to my eldest's nursery and seeing what they say. I think a lot of it is that if they think he's abusive they will have to report it to social services and I thought that that might give me more of a chance of getting sole custody.

I don't know if I'd say he's cruel to me, but he is an arsehole to me. I think it's been going on for so long though that if you were to ask me for examples of how I wouldn't be able to give you any if that makes sense.

I used to try and talk to him about how he was with me but gave up. I would talk to him about stuff he did that upset me but he said it was my problem, it's wasn't for him to change what he did but for me to change how I reacted to it. I should have gone a long time ago but he was always so good with our daughter that I wanted to try to make things work for her sake. Its since she grew up a bit and stopped being the compliant child and started having her own will that things have gone wrong there too.

Speaking to the nursery is a good start, they might be able to support you though it.

Please get your children away from him completely

I know people are trying to help saying stuff like this, but it isn't helpful at all. The entire point of the OP was that she can't keep the children from their father, whether she leaves him or not.
I really wish people would understand that and not make out that women can keep their children from their fathers; they can't.

If you think social services need to be involved then you can contact social services yourself. I'm not sure why you would talk to nursery in the hope that they would do that? If it's because you are unsure of how to make contact they will certainly be able to help. If its to try get nursery/social services on side then id avoid game playing (sorry that's not the best phrase about a serious issue). Be direct. It is good to seek help to show you are protecting your children. But obviously the most important thing is to seek help to actually protect them.

Realistically though it is unusual for a father not to get any contact. 50/50 is unlikely - presumably wouldn't even work for him as he works anyway? One evening and EOW is not unusual. But as there are details we -understandably - don't have it could be different in your case.

There may be things that make you feel better about contact.

Would he listen to a health visitor's view on age appropriate discipline and parenting techniques? There are positive parenting courses he could attend as part of the discussion around contact.

It's not game playing, I'm worried that I won't be believed so I thought that if the referral had come from someone other than me it might have more credence.

I don't know if he would listen to a health visitor, he doesn't tend to take advice from anyone else as he knows everything about everything and is never wrong apparently!

What is it about men thinking they don't have to read the manual? I totally understand what type your DP is, my DP has a streak of that. It is unlikely that your DP would attend a parenting course or listen to the HV. But unfortunately you probably have to try to get him to listen to some one, as he is not going to listen to you.

Hi OP.
he said it was my problem, it's wasn't for him to change what he did but for me to change how I reacted to it.
Jesus. It's finished. Run like fuck, then supervised contact only. He's a cold deliberate domineering sadist.

I don't think that this is at a level that Social Services would be at all interested in. Its easy to say "supervised contact only" but this will be almost impossible for OP to enforce. The only suggestion I can make is that you speak to Women's Aid OP and tell them everything.
I'm sure OP would like to "run like fuck" but she needs proper advice on the implications for the kids.

Honey is right. Since April 2014 the assumption for shared care is 50:50 unless you negotiate otherwise. Although he sounds like a twat he isnt convicted of anything. Would he agree to go on a parenting course do you think? I know it is crap - my ex is violent- we just have to do the best that we can

50/50 is a starting point. Of course a lot will depend on how much custody he wants. Things like school arrangements and work patterns would be taken into consideration, as would whether he had a 'suitable' place for the dc to stay over.

Its more likely he would get every other weekend and a night or two in the week.

You have allowed this behaviour and I would say that it will likely continue. Why did you not get up and get her cake?