Divorce hell

[Enough101]

I recently told my emotionally abusive husband that I want a divorce. He will not move out, we do not speak in the home. 2 young kids. Since I told him, he has made serious and false allegations about me and my family members. Has decided to work from home and keeps muscling in with the kids. He will not discuss arrangements for them with me or mediator. Has been doing everything to get the kids on side by buying sweets and treats, promises to take them places when it's supposed to be my day to do things with them. Added to this, he hangs around the home all the time to be on hand to play (should I make the fatal mistake of trying to do a bit of housework), and I just cannot keep up in the 'who can do the most activities' competition. I work full time. Until my announcement, he was out of the house early and home late. I did EVERYTHING in the home and for the children. I am now panicking that his attempt to take over might mean he is given residency if this goes to court. I really wouldn't mind if I thought it was all genuine,but I know he's doing it to punish me because I don't want to be with him anymore. I feel like I am drowning. Anyone had a similar situation? If so, how did it work out?

Read your comments on FV45 thread, so giving this a bump.

How are you getting on divorce wise and how are you coping emotionally?

Thanks dobby
I remember the thread now.

enough what stage are you at now?

If you are able to give an update I may be able to offer you some advice.

Unless there are safeguarding issues, you will not lose residency of your children. Cafcass saw things VERY clearly - how scared I was of him, how stupid his allegations against me were.

Hi! Thanks so much for the bump. Funny as there have been some developments very recently. He still will not move out and we do not speak at all. We did statements for court, mine was about thr kids, his was very vicious and false in most places. We've had a visit from CAFCASS and it seemed to go well, or as well as these things can go. Just think of fun dad act x100 and you will see what I mean. I just stayed calm, played with the kids, talked about the kids and took a few opportunities to point out how worried I have been about them being stuck in all of this. I thought no-one was seeing it for what it is but I certainly felt the tide is turning. Having said that, I wont count my chickens just yet as I just don't trust my own intuition anymore and that's really sad. I feel constantly stressed and watched. I can tell he is boiling with rage from his body language. I try to stay out as much as possible within the boundaries of the court order but he is bringing them back very late on a school night, I have no idea where they are and I do at times feel frightened. I am banking everything on this CAFCASS officer having picked up what a lying bully he is. I never wanted all this, I thought we could sort it between ourselves. Instead, I feel like everyone knows my business, I had to write such personal stuff in the statement, I feel so embarrassed and humiliated. Thanks for checking on me. All advice or motivation greatly accepted. There have been times where I have just wanted to break. I don't even have the luxury of that as he would use it against me. That's why I was so glad to see your post FV45. I was starting to think the whole world was against me. Xx

Hi Enough, glad things are progressing albeit slowly. So did Cafcass interview you all together as a family? I'm pretty sure they would see through the Disney Dad act if he was going OTT.

What is the court order that you currently have?

It's never easy putting all this personal stuff down on paper but it's important and it's done now so don't dwell on it.

I realise it's impossible at the moment to raise the concerns of the children being kept out late, if you complain he will probably do it even more. but it is important that you keep records of each and every time. Keep those notes in a safe place.

Is it likely your house will need to be sold? Last question, how old are your children?

💐

Hi Dobby, yes they saw us altogether for a couple of hours. It was a bit awkward as you can imagine. I knew they were observing but I couldn't just sit there and pretend they weren't there, so I made some chit chat. I hope that was the right thing to do! It's a social norm after all! It wasn't so much an interview, more I think an observation of interactions. I am happy with what they saw if that's the case, but I made sure the chit chat was child focuses - things they like, TV programmes, games, how they are so different, how they like school. This was info I just offered. Not that I was asked. There was no note-taking, just watching and CAFCASS interacted with the kids in their games and stuff. The officer seemed nice, not overly or underly friendly but seemed down to earth. Let's see what the report says before I confirm that! I felt there was s hit of favouritism bring shorn to the older one, so I was kind of catching the younger one in those moments, whilst still interacting with the other. The interim order just shares out the times we have them alone and the other one has to be out of the house at those times and then that these statements were to be exchanged on a given day. Mine was on time, his was quite a bit after the deadline.. Court again next month and CAFCASS report a couple of weeks before then. Not sure about the house as yet. Either way, I will manage with staying or selling , the only thing I am worried about are the kids - I would live in a tent with them if I had to! They are 4 and 6. I have copious notes that I am keeping at work - I just feel like no-one is ever going to bother reading them!

I read on the other thread that you were concerned about being outed, does he know you are on here?

Is he honouring your time with the children?

I think the notes might be useful to you if and when you need to write statements, at least you can then give facts and dates especially if they are regular concerns.

Is it an interim child arrangement order? Have you been to mediation?

Yes an interim CAO and I went to mediation but he refused. We've had first hearing, just waiting for next one and I suspect it wont be the last. Terrible costs as can't risk not being represented but I could've been putting that money away for the kids. I don't know if he knows I am on here, I just feel I am being watched all the time so have changed a couple of details so should be ok.

My ex didn't go to mediation. When I went (simply in order to fulfil court requirement) they told me they would sign the form needed for court without requiring him to go (sorry, can't remember the name of the form) but said it would show me in a more favourable light if I looked willing to invite him to mediate with me.

I knew he wouldn't go and insisted they give him a week rather than the normal 2 to reply ie just pick up the phone to show willingness.

I self represented for the CAO (no £ left after divorce), but my ex was not making ridiculous allegations or trying for unreasonable residency.

Is your divorce proceeding alongside the CAO?
Where will you both live?

wishing you the best x