Divorce hell

[Enough101]

I recently told my emotionally abusive husband that I want a divorce. He will not move out, we do not speak in the home. 2 young kids. Since I told him, he has made serious and false allegations about me and my family members. Has decided to work from home and keeps muscling in with the kids. He will not discuss arrangements for them with me or mediator. Has been doing everything to get the kids on side by buying sweets and treats, promises to take them places when it's supposed to be my day to do things with them. Added to this, he hangs around the home all the time to be on hand to play (should I make the fatal mistake of trying to do a bit of housework), and I just cannot keep up in the 'who can do the most activities' competition. I work full time. Until my announcement, he was out of the house early and home late. I did EVERYTHING in the home and for the children. I am now panicking that his attempt to take over might mean he is given residency if this goes to court. I really wouldn't mind if I thought it was all genuine,but I know he's doing it to punish me because I don't want to be with him anymore. I feel like I am drowning. Anyone had a similar situation? If so, how did it work out?

[RandomMess]

wishing you the best x

[rightsofwomen]

Is your divorce proceeding alongside the CAO?
Where will you both live?

[rightsofwomen]

My ex didn't go to mediation. When I went (simply in order to fulfil court requirement) they told me they would sign the form needed for court without requiring him to go (sorry, can't remember the name of the form) but said it would show me in a more favourable light if I looked willing to invite him to mediate with me.

I knew he wouldn't go and insisted they give him a week rather than the normal 2 to reply ie just pick up the phone to show willingness.

I self represented for the CAO (no £ left after divorce), but my ex was not making ridiculous allegations or trying for unreasonable residency.

[Enough101]

Yes an interim CAO and I went to mediation but he refused. We've had first hearing, just waiting for next one and I suspect it wont be the last. Terrible costs as can't risk not being represented but I could've been putting that money away for the kids. I don't know if he knows I am on here, I just feel I am being watched all the time so have changed a couple of details so should be ok.

[FV45]

Is it an interim child arrangement order? Have you been to mediation?

[Iamdobby63]

I read on the other thread that you were concerned about being outed, does he know you are on here?

Is he honouring your time with the children?

I think the notes might be useful to you if and when you need to write statements, at least you can then give facts and dates especially if they are regular concerns.

[Enough101]

Hi Dobby, yes they saw us altogether for a couple of hours. It was a bit awkward as you can imagine. I knew they were observing but I couldn't just sit there and pretend they weren't there, so I made some chit chat. I hope that was the right thing to do! It's a social norm after all! It wasn't so much an interview, more I think an observation of interactions. I am happy with what they saw if that's the case, but I made sure the chit chat was child focuses - things they like, TV programmes, games, how they are so different, how they like school. This was info I just offered. Not that I was asked. There was no note-taking, just watching and CAFCASS interacted with the kids in their games and stuff. The officer seemed nice, not overly or underly friendly but seemed down to earth. Let's see what the report says before I confirm that! I felt there was s hit of favouritism bring shorn to the older one, so I was kind of catching the younger one in those moments, whilst still interacting with the other. The interim order just shares out the times we have them alone and the other one has to be out of the house at those times and then that these statements were to be exchanged on a given day. Mine was on time, his was quite a bit after the deadline.. Court again next month and CAFCASS report a couple of weeks before then. Not sure about the house as yet. Either way, I will manage with staying or selling , the only thing I am worried about are the kids - I would live in a tent with them if I had to! They are 4 and 6. I have copious notes that I am keeping at work - I just feel like no-one is ever going to bother reading them!

[Iamdobby63]

Hi Enough, glad things are progressing albeit slowly. So did Cafcass interview you all together as a family? I'm pretty sure they would see through the Disney Dad act if he was going OTT.

What is the court order that you currently have?

It's never easy putting all this personal stuff down on paper but it's important and it's done now so don't dwell on it.

I realise it's impossible at the moment to raise the concerns of the children being kept out late, if you complain he will probably do it even more. but it is important that you keep records of each and every time. Keep those notes in a safe place.

Is it likely your house will need to be sold? Last question, how old are your children?

💐

[Enough101]

Hi! Thanks so much for the bump. Funny as there have been some developments very recently. He still will not move out and we do not speak at all. We did statements for court, mine was about thr kids, his was very vicious and false in most places. We've had a visit from CAFCASS and it seemed to go well, or as well as these things can go. Just think of fun dad act x100 and you will see what I mean. I just stayed calm, played with the kids, talked about the kids and took a few opportunities to point out how worried I have been about them being stuck in all of this. I thought no-one was seeing it for what it is but I certainly felt the tide is turning. Having said that, I wont count my chickens just yet as I just don't trust my own intuition anymore and that's really sad. I feel constantly stressed and watched. I can tell he is boiling with rage from his body language. I try to stay out as much as possible within the boundaries of the court order but he is bringing them back very late on a school night, I have no idea where they are and I do at times feel frightened. I am banking everything on this CAFCASS officer having picked up what a lying bully he is. I never wanted all this, I thought we could sort it between ourselves. Instead, I feel like everyone knows my business, I had to write such personal stuff in the statement, I feel so embarrassed and humiliated. Thanks for checking on me. All advice or motivation greatly accepted. There have been times where I have just wanted to break. I don't even have the luxury of that as he would use it against me. That's why I was so glad to see your post FV45. I was starting to think the whole world was against me. Xx

[FV45]

Thanks dobby
I remember the thread now.

enough what stage are you at now?

If you are able to give an update I may be able to offer you some advice.

Unless there are safeguarding issues, you will not lose residency of your children. Cafcass saw things VERY clearly - how scared I was of him, how stupid his allegations against me were.

[Iamdobby63]

Read your comments on FV45 thread, so giving this a bump.

How are you getting on divorce wise and how are you coping emotionally?

[Enough101]

Yes I will accept shared custody, I had no intention of trying to cut him out, although he seems to see it that way. If anything, he is trying to cut me out. He's never been a SAHD, until now he was hardly ever here! Its ridiculous that we just cant sit down and have a chat about what's best! I have had quite a bit of help from women's aid already, they have been really good. No he hasn't abused the kids but his temper and anger need sorting. He has no boundaries in terms of his anger or aggression and has often taken that out on the kids. I see their reaction and it breaks my heart. However, I know they must have a good relationship with him and I would do all I could to support them with that. The whole thing is just so hard and horrible. You think you know someone.

[Olympiathequeen]

Don't leave your job at the moment. It's very important you have financial security and getting another mortgage needs job continuity so don't cut off your options. I don't think working from home is a persuasive argument for keeping custody of school age children. Only if he had been a full time SAHF from babyhood would he have a chance. There will I think be joint custody but residency won't be dependent on his job situation. I think you will need to accept shared residency as there is not abuse of the children.

You are so right. He is bullying and manipulative and it always gets worse once divorce proceeding start. Call women's aid and ask their advice. They will also help support you.

[Enough101]

Thanks Olympia. My only concern is the residency as he now claims to work from home (even though he was happy for me to be running to collect kids from different locations for a number of years, can all of a sudden change his work setup). He is just such a liar and manipulator its unreal. I just want my children to live in peace. His. Behaviour has affected them and I have a log of everything, times, dates, what was said and how the children reacted. Yes I can take the mortgage over and pay him something too, not the full half of his equity, but a good chunk of it. If he won't take that, my equity and further mortgage is affordable for a similar place in the same area. When I am rational, I know he is doing these things to continue th bullying. When less so, I am terrified of what he will do next. All I seem to do is be putting out the fires he is starting. He is the biggest bully I ever had the misfortune to meet and he continues to try every trick in the book to this day. I am now thinking do I need to leave my job? Or see if I can work from home, although my job is very close to home. The routines have completely gone by the wayside, I am just trying to maintain some sense of normality for the kids but he is messing with everything.

[Olympiathequeen]

Don't worry about the law on coercive control, your situation is to do with getting a divorce and the coercive behaviours, along with aggression form a good case for divorce.

Start making notes on how his behaviour was before he was informed of the divorce. Also in what way it has changed. How his behaviour affects the children. The allegations he has made with dates and outcomes.

The divorce will be straightforward it will just be residency of the children. Normally the mother gets this and it's only in exceptional circumstances the father. Your H will have to work too to support himself so he can't say he is a SAHF. Have you looked at finances? Would you be able to take over the mortgage.

Just try to ignore his child bribing antics. You can't change it so let it go.

[Enough101]

Well I do leave the house to go to work. I drop the kids a few days and he does a couple (this is new). I also pickup a few and him a couple (also new). All of these changes to the routine that had been in place only happened since I dared to say it's over. I always did homework, now he's muscling in on that too. I couldn't possibly leave the house, I wouldn't dare incase it is used against me, in the same way he is using everything else against me. It worries me to hear from FV45 that EA is not bring given much consideration. It's sad that the law doesn't see how those actions can impact on children. All their crap about new laws on coercive control, how are you supposed to prove any of this?! I don't even want to prove it, I just want to get away from it. The whole situation is sickening me to my stomach, I am waking up in the night worrying about it. And all because I have had the cheek to say you can't control me anymore. Xxx

[FV45]

I suppose I was thinking how easy it would be for him to say I was never there at meals times, bed time etc

[FV45]

I suppose I was thinking how easy it would be for him to say I was never there at meals times, bed time etc

[FV45]

craze moot point as residency has not been resolved (I have a thread in Relationships). So I don't actually know. I'd like to think the law would be supportive if there is an EA background but my experience so far has not been encouraging.

[Crazeecurlee]

FV45, if you are sleeping there does it count as leaving? I had always thought that, if it was for the good of your and your children's health then leaving would be OK, surely. But I have heard so many accounts otherwise. Was the diary enough to prove being out of the house was for MH reasons? Did not being at the house much effect your custody? Was it essential to sleep in the house to continue to be seen as living there?

OP, could you do something similar, in that you could leave the house during the day with the kids, and then only go back at night to sleep? That way you'd be leaving much of the atmosphere without actually leaving/moving out IYSWIM?

[FV45]

I did leave my home a few times. In the last weeks I was there only to sleep. I have much evidence that this was for my own MH NOT that I had abandoned my children.

Being told I would lose residency of my kids if I left felt like a further lock on the cage I already was already in.

Keep a diary OP.

[Crazeecurlee]

*Don't leave the house I mean.

[Crazeecurlee]

Hi Enough, I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds dreadful. Don't leave and don't try to play these games with him. He is clearly getting off on it. As he wasn't that involved before there is only so long he can keep it up. As he has only recently started working from home, hopefully the courts will see through that when deciding custody. It sounds like you are doing a fab job with the kids. Good luck to you x

[Enough101]

Hi Potential, thanks do much. I didn't find your first post unsupportive. Its a comfort to know st least that everyone in these situations panics! Xx

[PeppaIsMyHero]

You're doing the right thing: just keep focusing on being the great parent you've always been to your kids. Try and basically ignore anything he is doing - it's not a competition and the kids will want boundaries, consistency and time to talk to you about how they're feeling above any amount of treats that he can shower on them.

If he wants to plait her hair, then great...just let him. Be the consistent, calm, communicative and loving parent and this will work out.

XXXX