left DH this week, have I done the right thing?

[gaelicgirl100]

I need a bit of hand holding and support. After a massive fight earlier this week, DH threw a piece of furniture at me. Something in me snapped and I've left him, taken our two kids(both under 3) and have managed to secure some temp accommodation courtesy of the local council. But now I'm wobbling I've done the wrong thing.
My main issue with him has always been his drinking, he binges until blackouts or is incontinent, but sees it as normal partying. Or he has a few drinks a few days a week but is moody and nasty to me or our kids. I've told him I didn't like it but over the years (maybe 3 or 4) it has escalated. I've asked his family for help, they were no good, despite being lovely and supportive at other times.
I met DH yesterday and he was a wreck, promising to change, do anything I want, respect me and communicate better about feelings. He was crying! But it's all lies isn't it? I've asked him to stop drinking, threatened to leave before, even left for a few days before, and he's been stubborn and unflinching in his righteousness that he drinks normally and the problem is me, but now I've left he's saying he'll do whatever it takes to be a family.
Has anyone ever been in this position? Do I believe him? Can I get some advice to believe that splitting up my family was the right thing to do?

I'm sorry That you are going through this. Alcoholics are full of crafty manipulative techniques that make you feel like you're in the wrong. I think it's fair enough to agree you're on a break - I reckon that the time will never actually come when you'll want to go back to the madness ! In fact, that is actually what I did when my ex left, we positioned it as a break- in actual fact he could not have come back as Despite him sobering up he was still horrible to me and there was no way I would have had him back. You are doing absolutely the right thing. Stay sting. Visit al anon? Read sober discovery website . It has a section for friends and family of alcoholics. It is a bit American but was a real source of strength for me. Good luck. It will get better. Don't let him plus parents doubt yourself.

Stay strong I mean

Thank you! I am getting a bit teary reading your replies. Particularly from those who've been the children in this situation.
I've only agreed to the month of sobriety to get him off my back for now. He will change his agreement in that before then, or he'll end up doing something reckless when drunk and I won't be there to help him.

I grew up in a VERY abusive household and it was years after my parents death that I saw it for what it was, that's why I'm struggling to see just how DH and PILs can not be the lovely people I believe them to be. But experience has taught me I need the distance to see things as they really are, rather than what im being told they are.

I'm still wobbling, but this thread has really helped give me strength to see im right.

Leave his drunken pissy, shitty pants arse and stay away! His family only wanted you to stay in the house (promising everything under the sun pfft) because they probably assume he'll sort himself out and not be a complete mess anymore. Ready for a bright future, you and the kids waiting for him, to look forward to - you aren't his saviour and nor should you be. It's his problem that he needs to sort out. His crying and begging will turn to anger and disdain and of COURSE it's all your fault because you left

Typical script.

Ignore him. If he gets better, great. If not, then you may as well pretend he doesn't exist.

Anyone who drinks to the blackout/incontinence stage definitely has a problem with alcohol, make sure you tell this to his DM if she mentions it again.

I know some parents like your PILs, refused for years to accept that their DS was an alcoholic because they are heavy drinkers themselves.

Stay strong OP, you have done the hard part, but you MUST stay strong (which I know you will do), and not waver or go back

I would also forget even trying to keep him off your back by saying you'll go back after a month. He WILL use this as an emotional stick to beat you with. He wants to get the christmas and New Year drinking 'over with' in his mind. There will always be an event or occassion where drinking will be involved that he 'needs to get out of the way' in order to successfully stop drinking. All excuses...
He has no intention of getting help and is denying he has the problem because he's not ready to acknowledge it.
It will take YEARS

"You gave me false hope.
I was doing so well.
You've let me down again.
How could you do this?
You've broken your promises.
Now I'm worse than ever!
blah bloody blah, boo hoo, it's all your fault, you're messing up the kids lives. ETC!!!!
If he doesn't say one of those things come January when you tell him you aren't going back to him, I will firstly buy a hat and then eat it Laurel and Hardy style with Salt and Pepper.

...and ANOTHER thing!
If he were to stay with his parents his Dad and ignoramous Mum will no doubt be filling his glass the whole time. He doesn't have a problem though right? So it's fine.
They're just normalising and supporting his behaviour and always will no doubt. So again, that set up they suggested would never ever work.
Good on you for not aggreeing to that.
A happy cozy flat for you and your children is better than a miserable abusive house.

I assumed his reluctance about stopping drinking was in order to get his Xmas and New Year drinking done, but in reality there's time for him to stop for a month and then announce he can't possibly have a drinking problem and get bladdered over Xmas accusing the OP of being a killjoy if she mentions the whole pants-pissing thing. Even if you assume the Xmas season starts early December (my work's Xmas do is the 9th) there's still time to get the month off done and then back to the booze. He's so 'desperate' to win the OP back that he can't even be arsed giving up booze for a month that doesn't interfere with Christmas excess.

This is the most revealing line of all, though He's refused aa and even offered to go to GP with me to get help for me for what I see as his drinking problem - in other words, he's accusing you of having a psychiatric disorder where you perceive 'normal' drinking as excessive.

If not already recommended on this thread, it's well worth reading Rachel's Holiday by Marian Keyes. It's hilarious as well as completely authentic and that kind of fucked-up logic is absolutely classic addict behaviour. I think everyone in rehab with Rachel has a similar kind of denial/excuse about why there's nothing wrong with them.

I would also get yourself to Al Anon - this is the support group for families of people with drinking problems.