left DH this week, have I done the right thing?

[gaelicgirl100]

I need a bit of hand holding and support. After a massive fight earlier this week, DH threw a piece of furniture at me. Something in me snapped and I've left him, taken our two kids(both under 3) and have managed to secure some temp accommodation courtesy of the local council. But now I'm wobbling I've done the wrong thing.
My main issue with him has always been his drinking, he binges until blackouts or is incontinent, but sees it as normal partying. Or he has a few drinks a few days a week but is moody and nasty to me or our kids. I've told him I didn't like it but over the years (maybe 3 or 4) it has escalated. I've asked his family for help, they were no good, despite being lovely and supportive at other times.
I met DH yesterday and he was a wreck, promising to change, do anything I want, respect me and communicate better about feelings. He was crying! But it's all lies isn't it? I've asked him to stop drinking, threatened to leave before, even left for a few days before, and he's been stubborn and unflinching in his righteousness that he drinks normally and the problem is me, but now I've left he's saying he'll do whatever it takes to be a family.
Has anyone ever been in this position? Do I believe him? Can I get some advice to believe that splitting up my family was the right thing to do?

Now I've had overnight to think about things I'm starting to get angry. I haven't done anything wrong but in the act of leaving I'm the unreasonable one? I appear to have been manipulated into agreeing my husband will only stop drinking after the new year and only if I return at the start on January. Actually now I'm writing it down I'm feeling pretty furious with him! He's not willing to do anywhere near enough to get his family back and he just keeps saying we need to compromise.
Never mind everyone minimising the violence and the drinking, it's pure manipulation isn't it?

Yes it is! Stay angry, use the anger to counteract his manipulation and bullying. Every time you feel like he's wearing you down remember this moment, remember every moment he made you feel like this. Stay strong.

He won't give up drinking. He would have done it by now if he was going to...it really is as simple as that

Do not give up your LA authority place please

If you move back into his family's home you will be trapped and I expect a 2nd application to the LA will not be looked on as favourably and who would blame them ?

Stop engaging with him. Stop engaging with his family. Nothing of what they say is going to be in your best interests.

Handover the dc on the doorstep and refuse overnights on account of his drink problem. Start the claim for child support. See a solicitor and start the divorce process.

Yes, it will get worse before it gets better. But the alternative is you continue to raise your dc in an already escalating violent home. That is not the kind of mother you are.

I don't think you can compromise with that! Good luck.

Remember that anger.

If you go back, allow his parents to offer up their version of a solution you will be walking back into that trap...

As it is you are in control of your life. You may waiver, you might get temporaily bamboozled by them. But re-read your last post! Once out of their sight you realised what game they were playing!

No one could expect you to recognise that game any quicker. Be proud you did that for yourself. And stay angry... how very bloody dare they support his abuse of you and your DC?

AF, as usual, has given you a great To Do list. Grit your teeth, hoik up your Big Girl Knickers and get on with being in control!

Again thank you for your replies.
It's all so messy, I saw DH parents again today (church) and MIL subtly let slip she doesn't think DH has an alcohol problem, the throwing incident has been ignored and it's all been minimised. I am FURIOUS. They are far too involved and I will be keeping them as far away from me as I can. They are using obvious bullying tactics but putting up such a kind concerned front that I've not seen it before.

DH and I have agreed contact for the girls and I have told him it's a trial separation for a few months. Also that I will only return when he's been completely abstinent for at least a month.

BUT he maintains he won't do that till after new year so I know he won't give up drinking, I know it's all lip service but I'm trying to take the easy path, for now at least, and tell him I'll come back once he's sober. I don't think I could deal with any extra nastiness right now, particularly regarding my DDs. He's refused aa and even offered to go to GP with me to get help for me for what I see as his drinking problem

I'm going to spend this time getting advice from my lawyer, contacting women's aid re freedom programme and just get nice and comfy in this flat and make it as homely as I can.

You are all right, I've done the hard part already by leaving. He won't stop drinking. I am strong enough to get through this.
I will keep re reading this thread every time I doubt it. Thank you.

Which of his parents is the alcoholic? Mum or dad? I'm guessing dad since it's mum that's eager for you to keep taking his shit.

When it comes to the end of January and he lies that he's been sober a month, start rehearsing the phrase "Sorry if you misunderstood. I no longer feel a reconciliation is possible and would like to make our separation permanent."

Read up on the effects of having an alcoholic parent on children.
www.searidgealcoholrehab.com/article-adult-children-of-alcoholics.php
Remind yourself that you are sparing your DDs from these long-term problems.

Just keep reminding yourself that if he loved you more than alcohol he would give up drinking now. Today. Immediately.

It doesn't matter if he thinks it's your problem or admits its his problem. Fact is, it is a problem because it's a problem for you together.

And finally, one month's abstinence is not enough to prove shit. If you want to consider ever putting your dcs back into that situation then I'd be looking for perhaps a year of total abstinence before even considering it.

Give up drinking in the new year, WTF? You either do it or you don't do it. And he's not doing it.

If it makes life easier for you to tell him what he wants to hear, then just do it. Do whatever it takes to keep him off your back and to get the pressure off. But you've absolutely done the right thing - he won't change and the whole "after the New Year" bollocks shows he doesn't want to change. You sound very strong and you'll be OK.

Stay strong and angry. You have done the right thing.

Yep, it's his dad who drinks this exact way, his mum is in complete denial. Their relationship is a very old fashioned set up.

I've said to him too, if he loved me more than alcohol then of course he'd give up straight away, but he can't see it. He won't see it while his family agree with him.

I wish I had parents who would give him a talking to the way his have done to me. But we are adults anyway, even if I did it would be completely inappropriate. I see this now.

i like the idea of practising your phrase notthefordtype, it's a good one. I'll be ready to take the shitstorm by then, hopefully.

Stick with your plan and it will be ok

I don't think a month "abstinent" will cut it though

Especially since he is obviously going to cane it between now and January while you are out of the picture

Ignore that for the tripe it is

Make your new flat your own. You are never going back to him.

Just wanted to say I'm here for hand holding. You sound like you are doing so so well at being strong. I feel like I just want to help make your new place super cosy. Take it one day, or even one hour at a time.

Your in-laws are enablers. They want you to go back to him so they don't have to deal with him. They'd prefer him to be your problem rather than their problem. They are not on your side, remember that. You are bang on that they are bullying you through the guise of 'concern'. They will be 'very concerned' about the children soon and will bully you about that.

And he will only stop drinking if you return? So if he continues drinking it is your fault. Utter bollocks to that.

Can you go to a different church? Honestly, I would not be communicating with any of them. You are separated. The end. Communication with ex to be in text or email form about the children only. Put some distance between you all. If that means that you are not 'nice' to him or his parents then good, frankly. About time.

If you stay, your girls will grow up thinking that his behaviour is normal and that's how men treat women they love. They might then allow men to treat them the same way.

You don't deserve it and nor do they, not now and not in their own relationships when they are older. You are doing the right thing, stay strong.

Well done you, OP, in getting out. We all know how hard in must have been and be, not really something you want to have to repeat.

He is obviously not at all serious about giving up alcohol and you set the bar very low at a month, I agree with the person who said it would take a year of abstinence for you to be able to think of trusting him again.

You are so strong and such a good mum to your girls.

Your DH is a nasty, manipulative, violent man and an alcoholic - of course alcoholism affects all sorts of people but he'll still be nasty and manipulative if he ever gets sober by the sounds of it. It's a family disease but the transmission stops here - by you doing what you're doing.

Do you have decent support for you from church, or friends? I definitely agree that unless the church is able to really get round you then move churches - start somewhere new for your little family unit. You are enough. Your reactions have been just right, all along. Keep posting, MN is brilliant for this.

You were right to go. Don't doubt it for a minute.

I may be able to help you stay strong here . I was that child who's dad drunk and lost his temper . My mum too left him with us but never followed it through it was always for a while and then she went back . I'm now 47 divorced and a single mum myself ( happy though) . I met various boyfriends but never confronted them about their behaviour as I didn't feel worthy , had v low self esteem and self importance , I never spoke up . However I did marry but an abusive man who too had a lovely side but drank , one night he drank so much came home and beat me up ! I couldn't hide it anymore , it came out plain for everyone to see ! ( bare in mind I live in a middle class neighbourhood where people don't do that) .

From here in my life changed , the refuge came in to support me as did the police and social services ( the children were in the home so they consider them at risk and monitor that the mum has a responsibility not to put them in danger). Thereafter bucket loads of therapy later im so angry at my mum for not getting us out , not being string enough to follow through, for showing me you put up with abuse and go back , my feelings are so strong I can't even soeak to her ( she's still with my abusuve father) .

I was lucky but it could hv gone the other way , it does escalate ! Alwats does ! Seeks refuge support get housed taste freedom but importantly teach your children you are too important to have abuse in your life , you are the teacher here.

You can do this too , I had two children , no support but friends I now have a degree and my own home , it's hard but I promise you can you already have shown immense strength of which you should be very proud , good luck xxx

Also look at the freedom project at the refuge ( online and a course you can do if you like ) . I bet you identify your ex there and see how this behaviour actually affects children . Knowledge is power here and will make you stronger . The refuge staff used to say to me this - This man is supposed to love you , look after you and support you and the children , yet he scares you and hurts you , that's not a man that loves you ! Look at other peoples husbands , what do you see ? You too could have that one day , your children could hv a positive role model in their lives . Be strong , your children need you too or they will also choose abusive relationships and justify putting up with it x

You've done so, so well to get out. Don't fuck it up by listening to his toxic parents or making him promises. A month abstinent? What do you think that would mean? Try a year and then think about it. But he will never achieve a year sober because he's an addict.

If you listen carefully, even though he seems upset, he is probably mostly upset for himself and the consequences for himself - he shows little concern for you or your children.

I went back once and 8 years later left for good. My confidence was battered and it was very hard but deep down I knew it was the right decision. It was the first time, I was just too traumatised to stay away.

Be kind to yourself.

You are so BRAVE! 🍫
You have done the hardest thing already - although your life will go up & down for a bit now, you have the most important thing (your life) and you are able to see clearly to parent your lovely girls.
You are amazing OP - I'll be quietly thinking of you, and hope that my girls grow up with courage like you.

Your comment about making your new place a home really struck a chord with me. My father was an alcholic violent drug taker. My mother drank and often lashed out at us to try and prevent him lashing out at her.

When I was 7 my grandparents took us. We went from living in a 4 bed house with a garden to a [small] 3 bed top floor flat. My grandparents had nothing, for a couple of months my sister and I had to share a double mattress on the floor, but it was more of a home than the "nicer" house.

Home is a feeling.