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Original poster

So, what would you do about these texts...?

33 replies

Vincenza · 12/02/2007 10:01

So, I have been going out with my DP for about 6 months. He is the loveliest man I have ever met. Thoughtful, kind, sexy, great with my little boy. Everything I ever wanted basically.

Anyway, I made the absolutely foolish mistake of checking the texts on his phone. I knew it was a bad idea when I was doing it. He works in a sales type role and has contact with a lot of different people in the workplace who he has to be charming to. Anyway, every so often he gets a text off this girl. Nothing bad but I know she is coming on to him. He went skiing recently and she wrote 'Can you squeeze me into your suitcase?'. Then when he got back back she wrote 'Hi, How are you. How was skiing?' and I found that she had rung him up at midnight and was on the phone to him for 20 mins. This morning I found a text from her saying 'Lots and lots and lots of snow. Let's go and play out in it.' As far as I can see he has not replied or encouraged her that I know about but it is winding me up into oblivion. My DP has history of attracting mental women who HURL themselves at him. I am the complete polar opposite to this and you would never get me asking him to play out in the snow. I am 32 after all. My problem is that a) I don't know why he hasn't told me about this (although I am thinking it is because he knows I am slightly 'volatile' to say the least) and b) do you think I should ask him about it.

Early on in our relationship he looked at my phone so at least he has already done it and I don't think he would see it as a complete breech of trust. I have had some pretty awful relationships in the past and I find the whole idea of a new relationship really scary and he knows this.

Come on ladies. Words of wisdom please before I track this woman down and throttle her.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Fattytwoshoes · 12/02/2007 10:03

I think i would be abit miffed if it was me. Could you not bring it up in conversation at all, then see what he says or his body language?? Sorry not much help really hope someone comes along soon gives you better advice.

scorpio1 · 12/02/2007 10:12

I think that he may not have told you because he sees nothing harmful in these texts-they are not sexually overt.

i have a friend who is lke this-like the firl in your post. she is very flirty with everyone-her boss, her female friends, blokes, everyone.she would ask my dp to play in the snow i think, but i know her well enough and trust my dp enough to know that when she says things like this,its harmless and her normal behaviour. maybe your dp hasnt said anything to you becauase he knows this girl doesnt mean sexual things with what shes saying? that its messing around?or that he doesnt care because he loves you?

i agree about bringing it up with him and watching his reply.my betting is that he doesnt think its anything worth mentioning

midnight phonecalls though? not sure. i think midnight phonecalls are a bit out of order to another woman. i think maybe when you talk to him you could tell him how uncomfortable this woman makes you feel and ask for the secreets to stop, so maybe you could be told if she texts/rings him?

hope it goes ok, and at least there is no evidence of him engouraging her

DetentionGrrrl · 12/02/2007 10:14

If i were in his postion, i'd be really offended that a) you had looked b) you seem to not trust him.

If he hasn't responded or encouraged her, leave him be. You said yourself that you can be 'volatile', which would explain why he hasn't mentioned it.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 12/02/2007 10:22

I think you need to question just how secure you are in your relationship if you feel the need to go through his phone.

What has he told you about this girl? are they potentially good friends? If he hasn't encouraged her then he hasn't done anything wrong. If she rang him at midnight he can hardly tell her to get lost just because he has a girlfriend, maybe she needed someone to talk to, maybe she's going through a hard time and he's been a good friend to her. If there's nothing sexual in it then there's nothing wrong with it IMO.

he's with you, but he's still allowed to receive texts from other people - that's not a crime.

didibops · 12/02/2007 10:34

I don't see what in the texts is so wrong TBH. I would just forget about it. If you get jealous easily then don't torture yourself by checking his phone and getting yourself wound up about what seems to me, just friendly messages.

paulaplumpbottom · 12/02/2007 10:40

My first instinct would be to ring her up and tell her what I think.

Don't do this.

You have to speak to him about it. Prepare for him to be mad. If you don't speak to him it will drive you nuts. You mustn't accuse him of anything. From what I can tell he probably hasn't done anything wrong. Maybe he could say something to her. If its work sending flirty messages certainly isn't proffesional.

Original poster
Vincenza · 12/02/2007 10:42

Hi everyone

I know, I know. You are all right. I should never have checked his phone in the first place.

However, in my (albeit flimsy) defence I have had numerous crappy relationships and am naturally suspicious and untrusting. My DP knows this and has done all he can to reassure me and even once told me I was free to check his phone.

I think it was the midnight phone call that wound me up. She rang him by the way. PLus what kind of mature woman asks a 36 yr old man to play in the snow?????

OP posts:
Original poster
Vincenza · 12/02/2007 10:43

Thank you paulaplumpbottom.

I was beginning to think I was wrong to thing that it was inappropriate to send messages like this to a man who has a girlfriend.

Thanks for your support

OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 12/02/2007 10:45

I completely disagree with everyone else & think it doesn't matter that you checked his phone. Your sense of self preservation or intuition drove you to do it & possibly not without undue reason.
If it were me, I'd keep checking, but would not say that anything at this stage.
Could you subtly ask or tease about whether the "girls at work are leaving him alone"?
I'd want to keep my eye on this situation & one him - but then I am ultra cautious too.

mylittlestar · 12/02/2007 11:17

I too would want to throttle her! Texts don't sound too bad, although she's obviously flirting with someone she knows is in a relationship which is a bit out of order IMO. Even if it is harmless, she should find someone who's not attached! And the midnight phone call

To be fair he doesn't sound like he's encouraging her or anything. I know he's aware of how you feel already, but if he said you're fine to look at his phone, then be open and honest about what you did, and discuss it with him again. He knows why you feel this way anyway, and ask him to speak to her or text her and set a few boundaries. Friendly texts - fine. Flirting - has to stop. Midnight phone calls - never again!!

(If he offends her and it all was genuinely harmless - so what! She needs to find someone else to ring at midnight and play in the snow with anyway!)
She needs to be told!

Sorry - subject close to my heart! But she's out of order and he needs to put a stop to it sooner rather than later

Original poster
Vincenza · 12/02/2007 11:30

Mylittlestar - I am loving your work!

I agree that it has to stop. He mainly attracts women like this. I would not even DREAM of texting something like that to a bloke I fancied. He is very much a man's man and doesn't have women as friends really which is why I am suspicious of her.

A bit of history, he has had a stalker for the last 2 years who he has not encouraged in the slightest and who continues to send him cards/ presents. he has been very open about this but I am a bit fed up with another one starting up!

OP posts:
hoolagirl · 12/02/2007 11:36

I would be very very
I would point out that the texts are completely inappropriate and could he take steps to stop this person immediatly.
Failing that, I would track her down and throttle her

mylittlestar · 12/02/2007 11:43

Yes stop the new stalker as soon as you can!

I too am one of those people who just seems to attract nutters so I have a little bit of an idea what it must be like for him.

He sounds lovely and I bet he could do without another 2 years of hell! Even though he's not encouraging her, I think people like her just need to be told in no uncertain terms what is and is not acceptable.
DP probably doesn't want to upset her by being horrible, but by not saying anything at all, in a way he is encouraging her to carry on. The more she texts and calls him and he lets her do it, I would guess the more she will want to do it and the harder it will be to stop.

His loyalty is with you and I'm sure he'll agree with that - none of us need friendships with people who don't know where to draw the line.
If she's a genuine friend she'll understand, stop the flirting and late calls, and just be his 'friend'. Then it'll all be fine!

Not sure things are ever that easy but it's worth a try! And good that you have a chance to deal with this before it gets any worse

daisey · 12/02/2007 12:44

well i would ask to barrow his fone etc and accidently stumble across these texts and then just ask who this girl is because she obviously is texting alot etc just say say you saw something briefly thats made you insecure. When my dp was texting someone at midnight it made me very suspicious and i had to check his phone to see who it was and saw texts from another women. I think its completely inappropriate.I have actually made note of her number in my phone.

paulaplumpbottom · 12/02/2007 12:44

I bet your DP is nice. Unless you are famous it seems to be the nice people who get the stalkers. Its because they show kindness to some people who might not otherwise get alot of attention. If this is the case I bet he is just too nice to say anything to this girl. All the more reason for you to talk to him.

Original poster
Vincenza · 12/02/2007 13:27

Right ladies

Thank you so much for your support. I was beginning to think I was going mad or being unjustifiably jealous.

At the end of the day, he has been asking me for a while to move in with him. I have a little boy who is nearly 4 and I have to make informed decisions about doing anything as it affects us both if I f*ck up again this time on the relationship front.

I have just rung him up and told him to come round tonight as I need to talk to him.

I am going to tell him that I was feeling insecure and I checked his phone and I found these texts. I am not going to mention the midnight phone call and see if it brings it up. I think that is bugging me the most as he was on the phone to her for 20 MINUTES!!

Anyway, I will report back tomorrow (and try to stay calm in the meantime). I just HATE women who pursue men in relationships. It really winds me up.

OP posts:
mylittlestar · 12/02/2007 13:49

"I just HATE women who pursue men in relationships. It really winds me up." - I'm with you 100% on that one!

Good luck tonight and stay strong and rational and it'll all be fine I'm sure.

Let us know how it goes. Thinking of you xx

doormat · 12/02/2007 13:52

I am with bugsy on this one

why would someone phone someone at 11.40pm if they were not led to believe this was OK.

Iklboo · 12/02/2007 13:58

Think she's out of order. BUT - he could have been trying to get rid of her on the phone for 20 minutes and she wouldn't take the hint (my mother's like this. You can be totally silent for 10 minutes and she's still rabbiting away about sod all)

Original poster
Vincenza · 12/02/2007 14:08

Well, the way her name is in his phone makes me think she is a client in which case he would probably have to be polite to her.

Also, if someone rang at that late hour (with apparently no encouragement) I am wondering if she was drunk. At the end of the day, I would struggle to get 10 minutes of conversation out of him at that time as he is normally dead to the world which is what is really annoying me.

OP posts:
madamez · 12/02/2007 14:24

Well I think you need to work on building up your self esteem so you won't be so paranoid in future. A partner is not a possession or a trophy, and if you devote your life to trying to own another person, it will just make you more and mroe stressed out, as no one can control another person's behaviour long term.

And if anyone checked my phone messages, they wouldn't be a freind of mine for long. However good they might be in bed.

daisey · 12/02/2007 14:31

well this women text my dp on a sat night saying 'im in bar rumba tonight' which is a night club nothing else just that. Dp thought nothing of it i thought she was telling him im in bar rumba tonight if you wanna meet me thats what i took it to mean anyway.Dont we just know how other women work and how devious we can be lol Needless to say i downed a bottle of wine and got my gladrags on to meet this women dragging dp in tow luckily for them i was too pissed and refused entry.I told dp to tell her to get lost it was so obvious she was persuing him he just thought she was being friendly. Are men really that thick or is it because really know what women mean are thinking?

daisey · 12/02/2007 14:32

there were other texts and phone calls previous to that by the way im not a mad women......

paulaplumpbottom · 12/02/2007 15:13

I think they can be pretty thick about these things.

Tamz77 · 12/02/2007 18:31

An ex of mine was being pursued by a woman (whom he'd slept with, once) during thhe early stages of our relationship. He did sod all about it, just ignored the calls when he and I were together, and (I presume) chatted to or texted her when I was elsewhere.

I told him that if he was serious about me, he had to get rid of her. I made him phone her and explain that he was involved, in my presence.

It did the trick!

This woman sounds a bit odd but in her defence, she may not know about you, and anyway, if your dp hasn't told her, or told her to get lost, or if he chats on the phone to her for 20 minutes in the middle of the night...then it's his fault, and he's in the wrong.

Having said that he will probably be pissed that you checked his messages! I would say everything you said on here, about feeling insecure, about having to make informed choices for the sake of your child as much as yourself, etc, and apologise.

Good luck!

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