Some men want to seem 'under the thumb'?

[Mom2Monkeys]

I have a theory, based on my experience with some boyfriends and DH, that some men choose strong women because it suits them to give the impression that they are under the thumb.

I am a strong, confident woman who has opinions. However, I'm not a loud or vocal person. What I really want is a man who is the same - a 50/50 relationship with someone who will tell me what he wants, stick up for himself and discuss things so that we will have interesting conversations and compromise together, etc.

However, I've noticed that in public my DH likes to occasionally play the role of 'being under the thumb' in front of his friends. I do not find this funny. He will give the impression that he is 'not allowed' to do certain things or that I'm the reason for him doing things or not doing things. It is complete nonsense.

To give a recent example: My DH plays football some weekends throughout the winter for a team that's far from where we live, so he's out most of Saturday. As we have a baby and a toddler, and he works long hours all week, I am with the children all week and I do find Saturdays hard. However, I understand that football is really important to him and I have my own musical hobbies that I attend, so it balances out.

Every year he umms and ahhhs over whether he wants to continue to play for the team. This year he has booked in lots of weekend activities and moans that he is 'not going to be able to play again' those weeks. So I told him to keep the whole of Oct/Nov/Dec/Jan free where possible. The things we've got booked in are HIS things that could be moved.

There has been one weekend when I said 'no' about him playing football - when he had worked until 10:30pm on two week-nights and I was exhausted. So he has now latched on to this, and is acting as if I am not keen on him playing football. I even said at the time 'make sure you play next weekend', and he claims he didn't hear me and has already cancelled it (even though we have nothing on).

Today I was annoyed when he said he was 'surprised' this morning when I was expecting him to play this weekend. I don't know why he'd be surprised as (except for one weekend) I have been very encouraging about him playing football, told him to move things so he can play and specifically said he should play this weekend. He has also started saying 'We agreed....' and 'We need to decide' about whether he plays football or not. As far as I'm concerned, 'We' have not agreed anything. Whether he plays football has nothing to do with me. He needs to decide for himself and I do not want to be blamed for whether he continues to play or misses matches, where it's been his decision.

He talks like this in front of our joint friends (not just about football), and I can see their disapproving looks. I have come to the conclusion that it suits him......

A friend's husband does this kind of thing. "I'll have to ask the boss". The 'boss', of course, couldn't give a toss.

It is like he has watched too many 1970s sitcoms as a child and now he's in the father/husband role he has to play it to the max - completely without questioning it.

I find women who pretend that they have to hide their purchases in the wardrobe so that the man of the house doesn't find out that they've been spending their own money equally irritating.

It is like they also have taken on roles in a rubbish sitcom. Bizarre behaviour.

This fascinates me. I've never experienced it (I'm attracted to dominant men who definitely would not want to give any impression, or believe on any level, that I can dictate what they do) but it's obviously widespread. I'm going to start looking out for it. I've never seen it discussed before.

My husband doesn't do it but his friends do and it drives me crazy. Me and my husband are very equal and I think his friends aren't used to it so think equality is him being under the thumb.
An example that instantly comes to mind is we were all out drinking, my husband is not a big drinker and asked me beforehand to point out when he'd got to the 'point of no return' as he gets horrendous hangovers and is known for falling asleep naked in the bathroom dry heaving all night (not a good look) and had work to do the next day.
We'd had a meal where the wine had flowed freely and his friend said that he was going to get whiskeys for all the men, I very gently asked DH if he thought this was a good idea seeing as he had already drank close to a bottle of wine. This is exactly what I would do if a girlfriend had said that they didn't want to get too drunk and had stuff to do the next day. I was in no way saying he wasn't allowed it (because wtf I'm not his keeper), just doing what he had asked.
DH's friend immediately jumps on this calling him 'pussy whipped' and me a 'killjoy'.
DH doesn't get the whiskey (as he didn't want it) and is sick all over the bathroom anyway which I end up cleaning up.

I told him next time it was 100% his responsibility to moderate his own drinking and clean up his own sick.

Fascinating thread

My ex was like this. He would often say about his boring hobby "if I am allowed to go". So pathetic as he would do what he wanted anyway. I hated it and felt it was false. So many things, a liar, and coward and he would run his ex wife down constantly about how she spent all his money etc.

Now of course through MN I would realise it was a red flag, but I was naive and a rescuer.

This is an interesting thread, and I had not thought about the possibility of some men pretending to be under the thumb.

However it can't be denied there are some women (and men ) who are controlling, some of the men referred to on these threads may well be controlled. After all their wives are nt going to admit to being controlliing

I would imagine (and I've no experience of this so it's only speculation) that controlled people would not feel at liberty to make jokes publicly about how domineering their partners are.

I know exactly what you mean by this OP. My son-in-law used to do this towards my DD. Which is ironic really,because he was the one who tried to have HER under HIS thumb. An example would be if a friend asked if he had seen a TV programme and he would say 'No,she wouldn't let me watch it as she wanted to watch XYZ'. Or if he was invited out for a drink,or to watch the snooker at a mate's house,he would say 'I doubt whether she'll let me out'. All total utter bollocks of course. If anyone was being dictatorial or controlling,it was him. He was just doing it to try to make people feel sorry for him. There is absolutely no way my DD would have stopped him watching something on the box,or going out without her,as,in her own words,'it wasn't worth the hassle and repercussions afterwards'. If anything,she wished he WOULD go out for the evening without her! Thankfully,she got sick of his controlling behaviour,gave him an ultimatum and started standing up for herself. And it worked. He still tries it on occasionally,but overall,is nothing like as bad as he was.

Yes...doing down your partner in public like that sounds like controlling behaviour in itself.

I agree with sheba. A man really under the thumb would not dare say anything in public.

My exh did it a bit in company and it used to get a laugh. Like pps I think it can be an excuse to get out of things they don't want to do. It also represents a sexist attitude with all the men rolling their eyes in sympathy at how they all have to tow the line.

I know lots of men who do this, it's like type of banter or common joke to say 'I'll have to ask the boss' before agreeing to do something, except in the vast majority of cases 'the boss' doesn't mind what they do.

Like another poster said it's like they think it's amusing to cast their wives or girlfriends in the role of a controlling 'her indoors' type or mother figure, while they're a cheeky boy who just wants to go and have some fun (except they just want to go home, but don't want to admit it to 'the boys').

Maybe they like being kept in check.

Thinking about it, I used to rein in my behaviour for exh because I knew he wouldn't out up with any nonsense whereas with previous partners I would mess them around a bit if they let me if you know what I mean.

I think a lot of men of a certain generation bond together as henpecked 'lads' being liberated from their wives on a night out. They imply they need permission to do activities when really it's just discussing with their other half that a certain arrangement is mutually convenient. It's ridiculous really but traditionally I think it's a way of bonding together. I do find it I bit weird in modern, equal relationships though.

Interesting. My DH has a friend who appears to be genuinely under the thumb but I think he enjoys it. Since he started seeing his wife, DH has hardly seen him, maybe less than once a year. If DH met up with him in the pub, his wife would be constantly texting him asking him when he is coming home and she would be posting stuff on Facebook about how he was out and he better not be coming home drunk and is he behaving himself in a jokey way but we know she is serious. They meet up about once a year ffs! She also wants us all to meet up just as couples. I don't know if he makes her feel insecure but he is definitely no George Clooney!

Never experienced this. My DH and all his mates to what they want when they want. If I tried to stop him he wouldn't listen anyway

It's so much easier to say "Can't this weekend" than say "Actually, now I'm over 40 I can't really play football and then go out on the tiles all night like I used to, I'd rather take my kid to a birthday party then get a take away and watch NCIS with my wife"

My hubby does this, if asked something he refers to me, or if he doesn't want to do something says it's because i won't allow it, seldom do I give a flying crap, mainly I think he does it so he doesn't look bad, and partly because he wishes I did give a crap, or even because he thinks thats what I want, however after so long together, I give not a shit and just ignore it now.

Really after 27 years I give not a crap, and I tend to ignore it. You simply get to that stage,

Olennas- are there men who actually want to do that!! Christ I really did choose badly. Mine has never taken DC to a party!

Ha ha Fi , good point, no one likes taking their kids to a birthday party!