Does anybody else have to keep secrets from their family because of negativity?

[EverySongbirdSays]

I'm hopefully starting an MA in the new year, if I can get the place I want and funding.

I have realised I cannot tell my family, and this makes me so sad, because the reason is they always spoil things with their horrendous response to things simultaneously both super pressured and mean spirited.

I got back into work after a long time off for health reasons. I had had a pretty hard time. My sister has always had a good job and a wide circle of friends but long term jealousy going back to childhood means she resents me anything even if she has far more, she engineered a conversation that would deliberately end in people who do my job being slated, but at the same time making it appear as though she was innocent of that motive and it wasn't her intention. This sorry is actually a minor example of how venomously she behaves towards me whilst trying to hide it and gaslight.

Going back, when I got my first job, my cousins DH first question was really rude and ill mannered, wanting to know what salary I was on I felt forced to answer even though I was young and on the spot.

When learning to drive, I was really struggling, and not sure if I could continue, it was all I ever got asked HOW'S YOUR DRIVING, HOW'S YOUR DRIVING? and I just felt so much pressure.

Again, while off work for ill health my Aunt constantly asked :

ARE YOU WORKING? ARE YOU WORKING?

And I felt so judged, and pressurized it is still pretty much all she asks about

The MA is over subscribed and at the end only a few people get what they want from it, the occupation is hard to get into but it's something I have always dreamed of. I may not even manage to complete it and I'm ralistic about that.

I'm not asking for advice really. I have decided to not tell any of my family about my MA, because of their form, for either nastiness or pressure.

But this makes me super sad to know I have to keep secrets from them, because they can't be pleaed for me and have to make me feel bad or harp on about things I've told them I'm doing til I feel intensely pressured.

Is anyone in the same boat, and can share stories with me?

NK and Soub

Yes, I keep some things from my family. I've had far too many judgemental responses to be that open with them.

Yes, because they talk me out of everything. I've only learnt fairly recently to tell them nothing until it's a done deal (so to speak)

I wish I'd 'seen' it earlier. I have no passion. Everything I ever contemplated doing, they poured cold water on it, which wouldn't have mattered if I wasn't in need of their approval.

I don't blame you OP, there is nothing so demoralising as having dreams and hopes judged and stamped on by negative people. So the best of luck for your future OP.

I keep my life to myself as various members of my negative, conforming, fearful family are mean spirited and also sneer and criticise a lot. They try and crush me.

The problem is they have no room for individuality, for emotions, for expression, for passion, for being different and wanting different things/an alternative lifestyle. They cannot get their heads around it. We must go through life beige, muted and being seen to be the same as everyone else, 'normal'. Anything other than that is verging on being mentally unwell.

I also have a couple of health issues which is me 'making excuses' and because they don't have those problems then I shouldn't either! It's like saying to a blind person 'I can see, why can't you?' Totally mad, and now I've given up. They aren't in my life.

I often feel like I'm not good enough for my family because I am not a career woman, like my sister. They always say oh she will never be unemployed as though it's a dig to me. However, despite always having on going illness I have achieved things that are far more greater then a career. And what is money in the end. It's better to be happy then spoilt because you are earning too much and take it for granted.

Yes. I keep most things from my family - if it's good they trample over it, if bad, they worry. There's no point in telling them anything.

I don't lie to my family but there are things I don't tell them IYSWIM.

Does anybody else feel sadness though? Maybe I'm asking too much of my parents. They do help me a lot in practical ways. I'd love to think I could talk to them and they'd listen. And not try and take over, or pour cold water on my ideas, or assume they know best and roll their eyes if I decline their advice

This thread is really helping me! I always used to think it was me but i have come to realise that there are other people out there who feel the same.
I am so sorry to hear what some of you have had to put up with esp in relation to children. My mother was the same ! She was horrified when i got pregnant with my third and even demanded i get my husband to have a vasectomy! This despite her having 4 and being a sahm. She wanted me to be a career woman. I just wanted to raise children.
I also had the affront to have a child with autism who behaved in a way that brought much wringing of hands and wondering what the neighbours thought!
Luckily i have a stubborn streak and i have followed my dreams. I am now a foster carer with 2 children with complex learning health and physical needs! I am in the process of adopting the youngest who is 2 at the ripe old age of 51.
To anybody younger who is struggling with negative families i would say dont give up on your own hopes and dreams. You know yourself best so trust your instincts and follow your heart.
Thankyou to those who have posted their stories you have done me a lot of good .

Have kept things back since I was early teens, as mother was and is, extremely negative, while also being an expert in every area and v controlling... today, she's in 80s and the negativity is draining to the extent that I dread her visiting. Also constant snide remarks, and has taken to putting me down to ds. But he knows what she's like.

Sad really, she has zero respect for all her children but she thinks and says constantly that her friends children r so successful, wonderful etc.. And she wonders why no one tells her anything.

I sometimes think its some kind of insecurity, but she's done so much damage. Growing up, knowing ur mother has nothing but contempt for u is not good.

Oh dame i cross posted with you . As i just said above they do not know best!!
And yes it is sad . I feel a bit tearful just reading this thread .

I'm so glad the thread helps flapjack

I feel terribly sad Pastel I used to be so close to my Mum but in the last decade I've seen a horrible new side to her with me not turning out as she hoped, which has thrown new light on things that I din't even think about when younger and now have a dark edge.

It is worse with my sister, I truly envy people with close relationships with their sisters. She has repeatedly verbally attacked me for no reason over the years and it just damages your sense of self worth.

Particularly when other family members say nothing, it's like an endorsement.

She can't let me have anything, even if she has more,like I said in the op. She would resent it, ill wish it, congratulate but with a false face or a stony face. She has nothing but contempt for me but knows she has to publically pretend differently. And she would be pleased if I failed. And that would be on her face too.

That's awful re ur sisters op, v hard to. Live with

Well done. It's very healthy to cease looking for approval. So damaging for your self esteem to share and be judged. You do not have to share any personal info. And go you! Good luck x
For me :
Career change - "well I think you're mad"
Wearing PJs in my own home - "What if he leaves you?"
I sh*t you not.

Also look to your parents to explain your sisters attitude. It sounds like she is approved of and you can do no right (in recent years) which is triangulation/ scapegoating - very effective for controlling family dynamics (dysfunctionally).

Songbird i cant stress it strongly enough follow your dream. Do that MA ! You know in your heart that it is right for you and you seem to have a very good handle on what is going on in your family dynamics. I am impressed as it took me decades to understand why i always felt a failure and as though i was a disappointment to them.
It still gets to me on an emotional level at times but i have learnt that just because you feel something doesnt make it true. So just because i feel rubbish about myself and my acheivements doesnt mean that i am rubbish. I ignore my emotional brain if it is being negative and look at things with my logical side if i can. It is not easy to do when you are on the receiving end and other family members ignore it so that it feels they agree but they have their own agendas and are probably only interested in what is going on with themselves .
Dont take it onboard. Be proud of yourself ,minimise contact, tell them v little and dont give up on what you want.

I find some of these posts very sad :-(

I've had a secret blog for 3 months and write on it nearly every day. I'm also writing a book this month. I haven't told my husband, family or friends about either of them. I like writing what I please and do so under a pen name. I think they would be judgemental and I don't want censor anything. The book is a bit different, because it's about a sensitive situation that may upset my husband at the moment, but he may understand and like it later. It's a childrens book for my son about a grandparent dying. His mum is dying.

I have a sister who hates me, is jealous of me (goodness knows why) and never misses an opportunity to tell the wider family what a head case I am. My abusive husband also uses my family as flying monkeys, and I think they honestly do think that he was some kind of Saint to be married to me.

I don't have any contact with any of them any more. When my sister cut contact with me, I cried every day for a year, but now I think it was probably all for the best.

OH, fc

With my sister It comes from me being Golden Child as a young child, needless to say that ended and also drove me to need counselling, as my mother would pretty much promote herself via us iyswim. Sister i have the issues with got angry with me not parents, and has never, ever let it go.

She is 40 years old. And behaves like a spiteful jealous 12 year old. She has literally never liked me, won't see me as a person, demonised me years ago, and only sees me as befits the narrative she's placed on me.

This thread is sad but also strangely uplifting.Just think there are those of us writing secret books,adopting children and applying for MAs inspite of all the negative input from various family members.
Makes me want to stand and cheer the resilience of the human spirit!!

Yes Songbird, that makes sense. My brother could do no right & I was Daddy's Girl. Felt resentment from him for much of my adult life, which I couldn't fathom as I've never wronged him.
For unfathomable reasons my DF has switched our roles in the last 5 years. Cue criticism & bullying so bad I went NC this year.
But I have apologised to my DB for not comprehending his position earlier.

Never tell my extended family anything except general chit chatty stuff because they're the most sneery, judgemental bunch of people you're ever likely to meet.
And it is sad, as someone said upthread. I don't know why so many family members are so, so bloody negative. My adult kids have similar problems with their in laws and I've friends and colleagues who keep quiet about things that really matter to them for fear of being scoffed or sneered at.
I really think its a massive mental health issue this level of negativity currently running through society.
What happened to basic human kindness and 'live and let live'?

See, whenever I've tried to broach the issue with my sister it has gone badly, she goes mad as if she's being accused of being a terrible person. I absolutely do see how it started but she won't rationalise and stop.

Privately, she has admitted it. And admitted she needs help. But still hasn't sought that help, to my knowledge. There's more I could add but I am wary of outing myself .

I am NC with our Dad, and his piss poor approach to parenting just made the whole thing worse. The whole dynamic was unhealthy, 2 narcissists raising 3 daughters, breeding rivals and then wondering why there is so much anger and resentment.

Yes, thought it was all ringing bells. But you don't have to fix it for your sister. You need to safeguard your own happiness.

OP, yes. My whole family are terrible, toxic negative people.

Examples: Got food poisoning recently and mum asked if I had life insurance and was I sure dh didn't poison me to kill me and get the money. We are very happily married!

If I ever achieved anything, I had to keep it to myself because if I told them, I "forgot where I came from" or thought I was better than everyone else. If things ever went wrong for me they absolutely relished in it. I'm not just talking as an adult btw. From the age of 6 or maybe before.

Moving away from them and cutting contact with them was the best thing I ever did.

"You'll probably lose it anyway, you've got pregnant too soon"

Was my mums response to my 6th pregnancy but 4th baby.
When I told her I was mis carrying my 1st she gave me a quiche and sent me home because her husband was about to finish work

My mil on the other hand will make a massive fuss about tiny bits of news, she's so positive and supportive, I actually said this to my husband today, we tell her everything and my mum nothing