Son's Birthday and ex

[pickledparsnip]

It's my son's birthday this week. He had asked if we could go out for dinner just the two of us. No probs. I asked if he's like his dad to come too but he said no. I explained to ex what was happening, and that he could come round for cake beforehand. Son then decided last minute that he would like his dad there. I invited him. He is saying he'll only come if his wife and baby can come too.

I'm a bit baffled to be honest. We took our son out last year for dinner, and it was fine. We get on ok. I'd rather not sit there with ex and have dinner with him, but it's what our son wants so am happy to oblige. Thing is, if I say no then I'll come across as petty. Ex will undoubtedly make out that I'm being jealous etc.

I would rather it just be his parents there. I guess I'll have to ask him in the morning as it is up to him.

I don't know why I'm not coming across the way I intend.

I'm going to go because this is getting a bit upsetting. My fault for posting on a public forum, I know. Besides, I've got presents to wrap and balloons to blow up.

Thanks for the advice, particularly MakeItRain.

Have a nice night all.

I just wondered from your ex perspective that it might feel a little sad not to get any say in his child's birthday if you are only offering one option to him. I don't think that's unfair to you or your ex I am trying to show you another perspective as you were baffled by this.

You're welcome! I've been through similar. My ex used to invite all and sundry to my dc's parties. Usually without telling me they were coming, and usually people who were no longer speaking to me (due to having his very edited version of our break up) making the whole event (that I always planned, booked and organised) a total stressful nightmare. I couldn't enjoy any of it. We have lovely celebrations now they're a bit older and I no longer feel obliged to invite the ex along.
I get the argument that you should do it for the children, but they're not daft. No matter how much you try to hide it they'll know you're stressed and who wants that atmosphere at a party.
If your son asks, it's fine to say you don't really know your ex's wife and you'd rather have a lovely relaxed time with him and focus on celebrating his birthday than making polite conversation with people you don't know too well.
Enjoy your dinner

OP I agree with MakeItRain. Talk to your DS tomorrow and revert to a nice meal out for you too. DC will understand that you do things separately.

I have a completely amicable relationship with my ex. His girlfriend is fine. But honestly the day out for DC birthday was uncomfortable - felt more about making things seem all happy and jolly for the sake of it, but it just didn't work.

I would consider giving option for your ExP wife and child to come along to cake cutting. We do that - DC blows out candles, all have a piece of cake, DC opens pressies, then exP and girlfriend head off. DC gets special day with me and then a special day with ExP and girlfriend.

Fwiw OP, if you come back, I really didn't struggle to see your point at all, some people just like to find drama and assume things.

I wouldn't have wanted his wife and kid there (at the bday celebration that YOU planned) either. It removes the focus from your DS, and quite frankly, the attention form yourself. It makes you the "odd one out" because now it's you vs 3 other people.

Agree with MakeItRain that it's time to do it separate now, unless it's a big joint family party. No more intimate mum & dad moments... I get why that makes you sad but it will be okay :)

It's up to your son.

If he wants his stepmother and sibling there, then tough luck for you, because it's his birthday and his choice who to invite.

There are going to be ample occasions where you have to suck it up and be civil with your ex and his new wife. Best get a start on it early.

Well I've finally finished getting it all ready, and thought I'd have a peek here (glutton for punishment). I also had a chat with my mum and sister, which helped clear my head.

MakeItRain, ToastieRoastie and skyadelic I could hug you all. Thank you for being kind

Right, must sleep. Big day tomorrow! You're only 7 once!

I'm not trying to find drama but as mothers we don't really get ownership rights to the child and what happens/who attends things to do with the child. I see on here all the time about mothers who are concerned with how things make them feel and not how the child might feel or even the other parent and this is ok, because we are the mother. School plays are usually the biggest bone of contention. If a child says 'no' to someone attending then fair enough, but as parents it's not very mature to not be able to put our discomfort aside for the sake of sharing something with a child with extended family or step parents.

Happy birthday to your son I hope it all works out ok

I get you OP and understand completely. My 10 yr old asked if her dad could come for dinner on her last birthday. I actually hadn't really spoken to him for years but she asked so I asked.
She didn't ask for dad + partner, she asked for her dad. When he asked if he got a +1, I said not this time. She spends whatever time he can have her with him, his partner and her little sister. One night without the partner didnt kill him. They had their own celebration that weekend.

Deary me people did get their knickers in a knot over nothing here.

OP - I hope you and your son have a lovely day today however it ends up. Fwiw your ex sounds like the 7 year old here. I won't come if they don't it's his sons birthday, it seems very childish. Lots of for your son and for you!

Morning! Thanks for the nice messages. Was nice to wake up to.

Spoke to ds over brekkie. He said he didn't want to see wife and baby . I suggested they all come over before the meal, and he was happy with that. Then I explained that we would go out for dinner just the two of us. He said "and daddy too," but I explained that his dad would take him out for dinner another time. Then we played some Lego before school. All sorted not (I hope).

So now I just need to text ex and say I shall take him for dinner on my own, but they are all very welcome to come round for tea and cake beforehand.

Thank fuck for that.

Also lesson learnt about giving son too many options. I make things trickier for myself. Don't know why I asked about his father joining us. Last year he was a twat to me throughout the meal, I sank a few large glasses of wine, and then went to the loo to cry. Not happening again.

OP, I doubt you'll be returning because you'll be busy celebrating your DS's birthday but I wanted to contribute, because reading these posts made me pretty sorry for you.

OP's son asked for his parents. Not helpful or relevant that posters keep telling the OP that she has to move on from wanting just herself, DS and her ex. She's not the one who necessarily enjoys an intimate dinner with an ex; her son asked for it. Had her son said "hey mum this year can it be you, me, dad, stepmum and baby halfsister" then she'd probably say yes because she's trying to do what her son wants.

However, their small original family unit has a tradition of the three of them for a birthday meal. My family used to do that sometimes too, and after my parents separated and repartnered if my DB or I asked for just DM and DF for the birthday meal that's what happened. No guilt trips or juvenile sookies about "my new partner and new children come too or I won't see my child on their birthday as they have asked for".

OP, I think you're trying to do the right thing but wonder if your XP and his DW are jealous that you and DS are 'tight', or that XP's new DW and DD are not treated with as much respect as they think they are entitled to.

I hope it's a lovely day and it all gets sorted out.

parsnip your ex sounds like a dick. He'll probably decide to assume that you've made sure your son chose dinner just with you over dinner with everyone. Fingers crossed they come for cake otherwise your poor son will be pretty hurt.

laurenandsophie thank you for your message. DS is currently at school, so having a quick breather before the cake making starts!

You totally get what I'm saying lauren. This certainly isn't about me wanting to create a little family bubble where we all pretend we are still together. This is about what my son wants. He wanted his dad there, so I included him.

I was very much putting his needs first by inviting ex along. It has been pretty hurtful reading posts suggesting that I don't put my son's needs first. I can assure you that he is not the case. Not in the slightest. I have always encouraged his relationship with his ex. He has form for fucking off and not including ds in his life til it suits. His wife wasn't so much introduced to the children as shoved in their faces from day one. Suddenly it was no longer time with just their dad, she was always there too. This had a big effect on ds, and it was horrible to witness. It was fucking thoughtless and inconsiderate of ds's feelings.

Ex's older sibling no longer wants to spend time with ex, and he hasn't seen them for ages. He would rather not see them than make amends with his ex, who he believes is making access difficult (this is not the case).

Ds has recently not been keen on going to his dad's at the weekend. I have encouraged him to go, as I know he does have a nice time when he's there (as far as I know), but he is a real homebody. We do have a really strong bond, and he likes hanging out just the two of us. That bond is strong because for a long time it was just the two of us. I listen to him, he feels safe with me, he knows he is the most important thing in my life, and I respect what he has to say. Unfortunately ex hasn't made quite the same effort.

*sorry meant ds's older sibling

It's impossible to know any of the background isn't it based on the brief intial posting. Without all the further information it did look exactly that you didn't want to include her because she's the new wife.

Now it's seems he's a wanker at times and there is more underneath.

Fundamentally I still stand by what I said - mothers shouldn't be automatically granted special rights over events like this.

But I don't think it's fair to say I jumped all over you making assumptions when I only had limited information to go on in the first place.

Also fundamentally you don't seem to have as clear boundaries as it would do you good to have with him, it doesn't seem like inviting him after this new wife shoving situation was likely to pan out in a positive way (based on his long history of crappy parenting) so I think you need to have clear defined separated parent situations. If he can't really be trusted then don't give him these options to let your child down.

I think ppl were too quick to judge you. Honestly, I got where you were coming from and I felt really bad for you when I read some of the messages. I have been a step mum so I have always let ex and his ex wife do things with their kids without me. I haven't felt excluded, I would have just felt odd being there with them. And I'm sure the kids enjoyed just having their parents to themselves for that one day. Take everything here with a pinch of salt, some ppl are extremely quick to judge.