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Original poster

Son's Birthday and ex

70 replies

pickledparsnip · 02/11/2016 22:29

It's my son's birthday this week. He had asked if we could go out for dinner just the two of us. No probs. I asked if he's like his dad to come too but he said no. I explained to ex what was happening, and that he could come round for cake beforehand. Son then decided last minute that he would like his dad there. I invited him. He is saying he'll only come if his wife and baby can come too.

I'm a bit baffled to be honest. We took our son out last year for dinner, and it was fine. We get on ok. I'd rather not sit there with ex and have dinner with him, but it's what our son wants so am happy to oblige. Thing is, if I say no then I'll come across as petty. Ex will undoubtedly make out that I'm being jealous etc.

I would rather it just be his parents there. I guess I'll have to ask him in the morning as it is up to him.

OP posts:

Bubblegum18 · 02/11/2016 23:15

No ones rattled my cage but your being massvely unreasonable and I speak as someone who has a fairly reasonable civil relationship with my ex and his DW because it's my DS that is important in the situation.

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 02/11/2016 23:17

Username ds hasn't said he wants them there. I shall see what he says in the morning.

OP posts:

Bubblegum18 · 02/11/2016 23:17

Put your DS first and include everyone then show him you can all be civil for his sake.

Myusernameismyusername · 02/11/2016 23:17

Just ask your son what he would like and do that

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 02/11/2016 23:21

Holy hell, how has this evolved into this? I'm not being massively unreasonable! Ds knows nothing about this situation, he hasn't even said he wants them there. I came here for some impartial advice for which I am thankful. You have absolutely no idea about what my relationship with ex is like, or how either of us have behaved in the past.

I am upset that ex has said he won't come unless they come too. If ds wants them there then that is OK.

OP posts:

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 02/11/2016 23:22

Bubblegum ds knows that we can be civil. Wife has never been a part of things like this up til now, ex has always kept her separate which is why I am a bit miffed by it.

OP posts:

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 02/11/2016 23:23

Myusername that is the plan.

OP posts:

MakeItRain · 02/11/2016 23:23

You're separated. It's fine to do things separately. Your son can enjoy times without you both having to be there. I think you should have just gone ahead and booked when he said he wanted to go with just you. Asking him if he wanted his dad there when he'd already said he wanted just you made the situation complicated, when he'd obviously made the attempt/suggestion himself to keep things separate this year.
An uncomfortable meal isn't great for a birthday celebration. Personally I would knock all the togetherness on the head and say you've thought about it, and you think it would be great to go with just him, as he originally wanted, and he can do something else with his dad and family.
So what if his dad says you're jealous. You know it's not that.
Your son will have a much nicer time with you all separately than an uncomfortable meal together.

Myusernameismyusername · 02/11/2016 23:24

You haven't asked DS
It's DS birthday not yours
DS dad can invite who he wants to his own sons birthday as you don't have exclusive rights on a child you share
DS has a sibling now who dad clearly wants at birthday with new wife

Just ask DS then decide
If you really don't want to then say no

IneedAdinosaurNickname · 02/11/2016 23:24

Yanbu and I would ask my ds what he wants (appreciate you have said you will)

I had a similar thing where ex refused to come to something unless his wife came (Christmas play I think). Ds did NOT want her there at all. Ex said "she's part of my life now. He needs to grow up and accept that" and then didn't come. Ds was 8 at the time

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 02/11/2016 23:25

MakeItRain I completely agree, I shouldn't have asked him again. The situation has become more awkward because of that. It's my own fault.

OP posts:

Myusernameismyusername · 02/11/2016 23:25

I just feel like you have made this more complicated than it needs to be sorry

Ex has moved on and you 2 taking DS out together is a thing of the past now

So you do it alone, or you probably have to have wife there.

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 02/11/2016 23:29

Myusername I'm sorry but no, ex can't invite who he wants to his own son's bday meal that I have organised. Not without clearing it first. He can when it's something he's organised. Of course I don't have exclusive rights to a child that we share. I don't think that at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 02/11/2016 23:30

My main upset is that he is saying he won't come unless they do too.

OP posts:

Myusernameismyusername · 02/11/2016 23:31

This is confusing
So if you remarried, you would ask ex first before you booked a table for your child's birthday whether your DH could come

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 02/11/2016 23:33

What? No. I have a partner and he's not coming as ds wanted just us, then his dad. He hasn't asked for anyone else to be there.

OP posts:

MakeItRain · 02/11/2016 23:33

Just uncomplicate it then! It really is fine to do things apart from your ex. It's ok for your son to face up to that and doesn't make you a bad mum. You don't have to play happy families just because it's his birthday.
Just tell him you'd like to go back to the original plan and that his dad would like to do something with his son and his wife/baby.
You were just trying to do what you thought was the right thing for your son so don't feel bad. I just feel quite strongly that it's not a bad thing for your son to realise you're not one big happy family.
Fair play to people who can make that work, but it doesn't mean it's essential for you to do it if it means an uncomfortable night for you. That's not in the best interest of your son. Children feel an atmosphere. He'll have a lovely time with just you

Myusernameismyusername · 02/11/2016 23:34

I just don't get it I'm sorry I Am trying.

I just feel sad for you in a way because it's clear you were hoping for just you 3 to dine out. 2 more people at a table isn't a big thing in the scheme of organisation bookings and they are now part of DS family however much you don't wish them to be

I think you just need to say no, then don't invite him out to anything again and parent separately and accept things have changed now

Myusernameismyusername · 02/11/2016 23:36

I think I know what it is and it's that I just see a birthday as a big overall celebration and this seems to be a bit more of an intimate gathering. Maybe Ex doesn't feel entirely comfortable with this now with his wife around and that's why he has said they need to come

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 02/11/2016 23:37

MakeItRain thank you. I think sticking to the original plan is what I'll do. We usually do other things separately, but the bday thing has been something ds has requested for a while now. I am totally kicking myself for overcomplicating it.
Thank you for your kind words and for not making me feel like a twat.

OP posts:

martinisandcake · 02/11/2016 23:38

I'm sorry if you feel the response is harsh, I think the point is though that you are looking at this as though your opinion matters.

If you are having a family birthday meal sons family should all expect to be invited.

You ex may have been snippy but can you honestly say you have never asked that his wife be excluded? It sounds as though he was expecting you to say she isn't welcome

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 02/11/2016 23:39

Myusername I don't wish they weren't part of ds's family at all. You've got me wrong.

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bert3400 · 02/11/2016 23:40

I don't think your being unreasonable. It would be awkward for your son and as it's his birthday he probably wants to have the attention on him from his 2 parents. It's not about your x new family, it's about your boy . I would suggest to your x that it might make your son feel uncomfortable, could the new wife and half sister meet after and go to a park or something altogether ?

martinisandcake · 02/11/2016 23:42

But surely it will only be uncomfortable if the adults make it so.

Surely it's time to leave any past history and start putting the boy first?

The son has a new family and I believe every effort should be made to ensure he doesn't feel guilt or separation from them

Myusernameismyusername · 02/11/2016 23:43

You say in Op son asked for just you and him for a meal but you would just like only parents at his birthday, which obviously rules out his wife and baby anyway - but it is also exes sons birthday, and as the other parent he seems to have zero choice in what happens on his own child's birthdays

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