Cheating lying OH?

[midnightmuma]

I'm pretty sure what this points to but I would like reassurance I'm not going crazy as this is an EA relationship and many times in the past he has gaslighted and made me doubt myself.
I will be leaving his lying arse, just need to get a few things in place first before I confront him and leave.

We have been together two years now. As I don't trust him one bit I had a look on his FB to see he had blocked a woman 8 days after my son was born in June this year. I thought that was odd so unblocked her to see if she would message him. A week later they are now messaging! So the conversation was just innocent to begin with, talking about her working night shifts for the past 6 months. He said I bet your fella isn't happy with you working nights. She replied not really. He then replied "is this the guy you were with when we used to bang lol" she replied yea. He deleted a message to quickly for me to read but the next thing said by her was "yep it's awkward atm" to which he replied "maybe we should meet up lol" either she hasn't replied or they are now texting not sure.
Someone please tell me I'm not going crazy and by the sounds of it they have been sleeping together while we were together??? Why block a woman in June this year if there was nothing going on. I doubt they were banging more than two years ago otherwise he would have deleted/blocked her sooner.

I want to get this straight in my mind so he can't gaslight me once again. I hate this man so much now. Me and my son will be so much happier without him!!!

Will your parents listen to you if you tell them it would be far easier with their support and backing?
I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your parents so not sure how that would go?
I know my dad would be helping me pack and be bringing me home to look after me, as I would do for my DD.
Do they know Womens Aid are involved with all this?
Could they maybe talk to someone there to understand what you are actually going through?

Just out of interest as youre worried for you DS in the future, are you going to keep himfrom his dad? Its a pickle isnt it. In jk"s words "if the relationship wasnt great why didnt you put something on the end of it??" Sorry, but from your own words this has never been a good relationship really and yet you've brought another life into it. So no you dont need loads of reasons to finish it sounds like the guy is a rubbish partner, hopefully he can be a good co-parent.

I don't think you'll ever know, whether he has slept with her during your relationship.

What you DO know though, is that he is trying to sleep with her now. And that is enough surely?

As a mother you will have to teach your DS good boundaries, encourage him to have a positive self-esteem, to have confidence within himself. You may need to limit time with his father or even not let him have contact if he is EA to the child - time will tell.

Hellsbells I've told them women's aid are involved and that I've told the doc but still no reaction. I think because it's mental and there are no physical scars or wounds they don't take it that seriously.

Lesismiserable it hasn't always been bad the beginning was very good. It's only got really bad since I was pregnant/gave birth to my son. I will let him see him. I'm not one to use him as a weapon. Him on the other I'm not so sure.

Thanks for the advice agatha. I'm going to try my hardest not to let it happen to my DS. I want him to see him and help but like you said time will tell how he is with him. If he does EA him then access def will be restricted

YOu been with him two years and your son is 5 months old, that means you were with him 6 months before you fell pregnant by him, was the good bit just those 6 months then? Do you think he feels like he is stuck in a relationship he doesn't actually want to be in because neither of you took precautions and he's behaving terribly because of it? You definitely don't need proof its clear it's not a good match in the sense of a strong long term relationship. It's good though that in the event of a split you'll behave fairly. If I was you I'd get out now, I don't think it will improve, the guy's a flirt.

Lesismiserable I was with him a year before I fell pregnant. I don't see what this has to do with my OP.
If that was the case then why is he going to extremes to be EA. surely if he felt trapped he would distance himself from me. That's not the case. Just curious have you been in an EA relationship because it hard to understand if you haven't

Yes I have very much so. And I don't necessarily agree he's being EA to you on the basis of what you've told us because presumably if you're not happy with him messaging other women (and he's been doing for most of your relationship) you can leave him? Unless there's more to this and he has some hold on you against your will. Seems to me he's at best a flirt and at worst a commitment phobic arse who doesn't have the balls or inclination to finish it himself so he's treating you a bit crap in the hope you'll catch on that all is not as it should be in a long term committed relationship and leave him.

In a nutshell, you know he's doing this, you know that by staying with him you're choosing to put up with it, you know that only you can decide if you want to live like this, but know that then it will be your decision to stay in this "EA' relationship because he's not going to be changing any time soon.

You're being very insensitive to say you don't think it is. I asked one question about one thing in the relationship. I spoke to woman's aid and told her other things and she told me it was EA. it's not just the texting of other women, it is one small part. I haven't even mentioned his short temper or the fact he belittles me or the other list of stuff that points to EA. Time is irrelevant because it is still happening. I don't feel I need to justify myself to you weather or not this is an EA relationship.

Of course you don't. But what answer are you looking for?

The op really doesn't need to come on here and be emotionally abused by posters, I think supporting her at a potentially vulnerable time is a better and kinder option .

The post was asking for reassurance lesismiserable that I'm not going crazy. As you should know EA plays with your mind. I wasn't asking weather i thought this was an EA relationship or not. Please if you don't have anything constructive don't comment. I would have thought you would know how it felt and would be a bit more supportive. I've had a bad enough day as it is.

Thank you guilty

Lesis your posts are nasty and unnecessary.

I would call them completely pragmatic but whatever. Yes fair play nobody can think straight in a relationship whilst in it, maybe I should have simplified it MN style - use protection or LTB.

I've recently left an EA relationship midnight and it is very hard. You don't realise what's happening when you're in it because they use so many tactics to confuse and manipulate you.

Don't worry about whether he's cheating or not. It doesn't matter. Call Women's Aid again and tell them you're ready to leave but you need help. They will have a wealth of knowledge and resources to help you get away from him.

Also ask them about the Freedom Programme. I'm currently on one and it has helped me so much, to fond my strength, to reassure me that I'm not imagining things, to help me realise what he's doing as he's doing it and not after he's already manipulated me.

You've done the hardest bit which is realising that he's abusive and starting to move on emotionally.

From now on you're in control, so gather your support together and get yourself out. By trying to work out if he's cheated or not you're getting wrapped up in him emotionally again. You don't need this excuse to break up with him, you don't need any reason at all to break up with him other than "you make me unhappy".

Good luck midnight

use protection
What are you on Lesis?
Anything could have happened.
You don't know the story.
You should and probably do know that abuse starts to emerge very often during pregnancy and/or after a baby is introduced to the relationship.
So back off of the OP.
She has a beautiful baby that she loves, so your JK crap isn't going to wash here.
OP - you don't have to justify yourself to anyone here - you really don't!
Keep on with your plan and get out when you are ready and set!

You absolutely dont have to justify uourself to me.or anyone else thats completely true. But now youve realised youre in an EA abusive you absolutely do need to take responsibilty for a/ not having any more accidental conceptions and b/ getting out and away from this guy so you can have a betrer future than you will have if you stay with him.

Thank you sky, that's exactly it. You just don't realise at the time. I've emailed people about the freedom programme. Next one starts in Jan 17.
Had a bad day today. Tried to get counselling and out reach programmes but the waiting lists are very long. Wish I could have something to help me deal and talk about it more quickly.

Les get off of this thread. Your posts are not helpful in anyway and to be frank you are very rude. You don't know the background and the way my LB was conceived is none of your business. Not every since baby is planned. I've taken responsibility and I'm trying to raise my son the best I can.

Thank you hellsbells I don't know why this poster feels the need to be this way. I definitely don't need to justify myself to them. Hopefully I can get a lot of things in place tomorrow so shouldn't be too long now before I leave

There's a saying that we have in The Freedom Programme Lesis

"We leave when we can."

It's not always straightforward or safe to leave as soon as we realise. We are at most risk when we are leaving. We also open ourselves up to the full barrage of tactics, manipulation and controlling behaviours that our abusers have to offer. If you are not in the right place mentally it is almost impossible to keep strong. Why do you think so many women go back? It's also very naive to think that all women in this scenario even have the ability to demand the man uses protection, or doesn't run the risk of exposing herself to more abuse by using it herself.

midnight you can do this. You can also do this in whichever way you choose and the pace that is right for you. You don't have a responsibility to do it at anyone else's pace or in the way anyone else tells you to. There are many people out there willing to help you on your journey but all of the decisions are yours. I know you want to do the best for you and your DS and you will. You are not at fault for any of this, it is all him, it is his behaviours that have trapped you, controlled you and abused you. It will get better. Be prepared that it may get worse before that, but it really does get better, I'm nearly 7 weeks out and whilst I still have bad moments, they're getting shorter and further apart already.

You are very strong already. You will only get stronger.

I'm so glad you're going to try Freedom it is such an invaluable resource!

OP ignore Lesis not worth it. Keep strong and we are here for you

Sorry if my directness has upset you OP. I wont comment again and I hope you DO indeed leave him. Too many women know they are in a bad relationship as you do now but are still on here years later complaining and hoping that change will come, it never does. Good luck.

Thank you sky and yohoo. I've been to CAB this morning and they have given me a lot of places to get help from and some good advice.

Had a bit of a small argument with my mum yesterday. I said I didn't want to end up in a hostel for a year waiting for a place as I couldn't find a place that accepted HB. And I said if I really couldn't find somewhere could I stay at hers temporarily. She said no otherwise I would never get a house and she wouldn't want me to. She didn't directly say she wanted to live alone but I knew she meant that.

This morning she's been taking the mick saying "have you shit the bed" because I was up early at CAB. Apparently that means omg your up early! I said CAB said I could get legal aid if my OH should try take our LB away and she just said well if you give him access then there will be no need. I've always said I wouldn't take away access from him. Just feel like she's not taking this seriously. Like I'm just making this EA up to spite him. Feeling really alone and upset today

Sorry to hear what you are going through and hope it's resolved very soon.

I think for your own health I would refrain from telling your mum anything about it. She really isn't helpful.

I've been made homeless no thanks to dc dad, I asked my mum if me and ds could live back with her until we were sorted and she said no too. One option was hostel until being housed but I had to refuse this as ex would most definitely have had dc removed from me so I had a few good friends that put me up until I sorted myself out. Do you have anyone like that that could put you both up until some where comes up?