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Original poster

ex's memories so different from mine ... he confused me again

29 replies

grittypetal · 01/11/2016 19:25

so, just had a chat with the ex (together for over a decade, separated for 2 years now). we went through some bad patches when we were still together. However, in his memory there seem to be only good moments left, especially of him being caring and loving etc. I, on the other side, have loads of memories of him being really horrible.
It made me feel so sad for a moment - me having given up on such a lovely relationship...
would some sort of mediation/counseilling help here?

OP posts:
Dozer · 01/11/2016 19:26

Why were you even discussing it?

Original poster
grittypetal · 01/11/2016 19:30

we are at a sort of a crossroads in our lifes at the moment. With me thinking if i should ask him back. Got DC.

OP posts:
Kittencatkins123 · 01/11/2016 19:43

Not possible gaslighting here? I doubt you gave up on a lovely relationship for no apparent reason!

Simonneilsbeard · 01/11/2016 19:48

Sure go for counselling if you feel that's what you want although I would be very hesitant to down that road again with someone who doesn't remember treating you badly.
If he doesn't remember or is deliberately choosing to forget then how can you expect him to change his behaviour?
If he was saying 'yes I behaved badly and I treated you poorly and I apologise and I'm willing to work on those things with you' then yea I'd give it a chance but that doesn't seem to be the case

ChuckGravestones · 01/11/2016 19:57

I, on the other side, have loads of memories of him being really horrible.

Would that be because he was you know - really horrible?

Original poster
grittypetal · 01/11/2016 19:58

even if it's gaslighting then i'm absolutely convinced it is unintentional, not planned. He genuinely believes his pink tainted memories now. That's what makes it so hard for me now - should I just pick up from here and hope from now everything carries on in a positive stream? The DC are older now, so less work and stress, more easy fun.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/11/2016 19:58

Erm he is rewriting history so he doesn't look like the bad guy!

Run for the hills...

sortthetacheoutbernard · 01/11/2016 20:03

Don't let anyone minimise your feelings. If you have those memories then that is how you felt. Regardless of what he tells you.

Kittencatkins123 · 01/11/2016 20:08

I agree with Simon - you can't just gloss over - you need to acknowledge and deal with what went wrong and how to tackle/change that or it will happen again.

It's in his interest to pretend horrible things he did didn't happen! You need to both be honest and you need to stick up for/protect yourself.

Dozer · 01/11/2016 20:10

You're talking about "we".......What do YOU remember and want? It doesn't sound like you remember a good relationship with him; and it sounds like you might want a good relationship. He's not the man for that.

In his reminiscing does he say pleasant things about YOU? Or just big himself up?

If you get back together with someone you don't trust - for good reason - to treat you well, and tell yourself things might be easier this time (you mention older DC), then what happens if the bad old behaviours come back, or life stuff happens and they just can't deal with it?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 01/11/2016 20:11

He needs someone to do his laundry and cook his tea. Don't fall for the manipulation. He isn't sincere unless he admits his faults as Simonne said.

Original poster
grittypetal · 01/11/2016 20:28

Dozer, " in his reminiscing does he say pleasant things about YOU" - well, tbh, he does. Before it was 50-50 - sometimes nice things, and sometimes horrible ones Hmm

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/11/2016 20:42

However if he is not admitting/acknowledging the 50% bad things he said/did...

forumdonkey · 01/11/2016 20:57

Of course he's not going to reminisce the bad shit, and remind you of what he was really like

Simonneilsbeard · 01/11/2016 20:59

Op I just wouldn't be giving this serious consideration at this stage.
Obviously none of us know what issues there were in your relationship but how can anything be fixed without first acknowledging that there's a problem?
He won't change if he doesn't believe he has to or doesn't believe he's done anything wrong. If he's deliberately gaslighting you that's even worse.
What does he say if you bring up a particular scenario where he was horrible to you?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/11/2016 21:00

Why would you still want him back when he is delusional about the past? Doesn't that make you want to run away screaming?

myfriendnigel · 01/11/2016 22:32

If my exwee to be beloved he would be gods gift to women-may the world.The perfect husband. He wasn't. I wasn't the perfect wife either but I don't go about making out that I was.
In his mind he is the victim, and he believes his own hype very strongly that even I am sometimes convinced by it-and I lived the real version of it!
I would be very wary about being back with someone who believes their own lies. It can only end with you having to shoulder the blame for everything that went wrong and that goes wrong in the future, as by getting back together with him you would be acquiescing to his version of the truth.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/11/2016 11:12

So he was horrible to you.
Probably abusive.
Now he's re-writing history and gaslighting you! (more abuse)
I think you know you shouldn't be giving this another go.
Have you spoken with Womens Aid since you split?
Might be worth having a chat with them about what happened in your relationship.
They may be able to open your eyes to what he was, as still is, all about.
If he's had no counselling then he hasn't changed - not a single bit!

Original poster
grittypetal · 06/11/2016 10:43

Simonneilsbeard: "What does he say if you bring up a particular scenario where he was horrible to you?" - well, he says he was wrong but I was wrong too (I know I was!)

OP posts:
ViolettaValery · 06/11/2016 10:47

I believe you about the unintentionally of the gas lighting. I think this should be a wider known concept., because it makes it hard to take advice which is all "he's a deliberately scheming manipulator" when you know in your gut that's not true. But it's still not a good idea, as RunRabbit says, to get involved with someone who's delusional about this stuff, because no self-examination has or can go on, and you have no guarantees whatever it won't happen again.

Ayeok · 06/11/2016 10:51

Ugh I had a similar conversation with XH the other day. He's getting married again and was calling to make sure DS would be going (has ASD, hates crowds and noise and has expressly said he doesn't want to go as he doesn't know anyone). He got all nostalgic about the "good times" until I fairly bluntly told him that my clearest memories are the broken ribs, bruises, burns, rape, cheating and lying. I told him that I didn't regret DS but I wish with all my heart that the day the test came up positive I had followed my instincts and left. I have no idea who's marriage he was talking about, because it certainly wasn't mine!

Ayeok · 06/11/2016 10:52

Also, I told him it was DS decision about his wedding, I wouldn't be pressuring him either way. If he refuses to go, he's not going. If he wants to go I'll drop him off and pick him up myself.

MrsKCastle · 06/11/2016 10:54

I believe that gaslighting can be unintentional. I think certain people just can't see themselves objectively and they automatically rewrite events to put themselves in the right. So when they insist on a particular version of events, they're not deliberately lying as such, more that they're deluding themselves. However, that doesn't make it any less damaging. As pps say, if he can't acknowledge his part in the difficulties you experienced, he can't change. Stay well away.

leaveittothediva · 06/11/2016 10:56

Well isn't that very convenient for him. He obviously never thought he was really horrible, so if you go back to him it will be like being on a loop. He cannot fix what he can't acknowledge. That's the reason why second relationships fail, because you will just repeat the same pattern. Change is hard, not many can be bothered.

garlicandsapphire · 06/11/2016 11:58

In one sense I have some sympathy with men that women (ie ones like me) are very good at being a filing cabinet of past failures and complaints. The men I've had serious relationships with seem to have been able to forget all about the bad bits and dont hold onto and brew on the bad stuff (which can be a good thing). To some extent I think that is just a difference in how we think or over-think.

But, in my last relationship XBF was manipulative in denying any hurtful thing he ever did and never saying sorry or resolving issues (they were all my fault) so I knew why I couldn't let the those things go and finally broke up with him. So it really depends to what extent its denial, how bad his behaviour was, whether you both tried to resolve and say sorry after things went wrong and whether they are forgivable and you need to draw a line under them. But, trust your gut. And dont shove things under the carpet that were unresolved, hurtful, unkind or abusive.

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