Help me be brave enough to break in - husband changed locks & my belongings inside ☹️

[Teabay]

In January I told my husband I wasn't going to be at the end of his abusive language & narcissist behaviour any more and asked him to go to counselling. We have two DDs 5&9. He refused counselling. I wanted to stay in family home - he bullied me out. Have been on mum's sofa since July. Now he's changed all locks to the family home, locking me out. I know it's illegal for him to do this but I'm still too frightened of him to go back in the daytime, break in & collect my things. My solicitor says I can.

Please help me to find courage from somewhere; I'm still scared of angering him. He thinks I Must Pay for not wanting to remain married to him. There's no other party involved.

Thank you for supporting me, I need some help here.

I'd go back when he is at work. Take a male relative with you.

Where are the children, with you or with him?

If you contacted the police would they accompany you to get your belongings?

What stage have divorce proceedings reached?

How awful, I'm sure you'll get advice soon.

Could the police accompany you to your house to get your stuff. Perhaps call them to see? Seems wrong that you have to break in, especially with his history.

Please get support from women's centre/refuge and police. You shouldn't need to do this on your own, if at all.

Call Woman's Aid.

The police will accompany you to retrieve your belongings. Get solicitor's advice too, you do not have to accept this behaviour.

Thank you for your help.
I applied for the divorce in April & the decree nisi was granted in June.
It seems so serious to call the police - would they even come?
I'm going to go during the day when he's at work and take my dad.
The solicitor said that I could get my things but it might make him worse - I don't think it could BE worse.
He's insisting on 50/50 for the girls at the moment & as you could expect he doesn't speak well of me to them ("your mum's done this to us" etc...)

I'm surprised the divorce is proceeding apparently without a formal settlement - financial and child access - being in place. Your solicitor should be insisting on access to reclaim your belongings, ideally with a neutral friend to support you, who can be given the keys. Will you be able to get a place of your own and need the dds stuff at a later date.

Thanks Dixie.
At first he agreed to half of the contents, then by solicitor letter he said that I could take nothing. Well actually, he said that, "each party should retain the property they currently hold". So that means I get my clothes & make up & he gets everything else from an 18yr marriage?? Er....no!

The latest deal is that I had to make a list of a few things I can take - smallest sofa, little table from kitchen, iron, microwave, rug etc and that has been agreed. At least, it was on Friday....

I have a place lined up, unfurnished, but whilst I'm still on the mortgage of the family home I can't proceed properly.
Ex has spent last 5 months changing his mind and the terms of the agreement again and again and again - we just can't seem to GET to the final settlement. He's even going against his solicitor's advice.....

Yes the police will be interested. I would hire a van and man, get the door opened, take everything that will fit in the van and change the locks. He can ask you nicely for a copy of the keys. Get the police involved any time he changes the locks again. Make a point of popping in during the day to your house . Take stuff out, move things around, doing your laundry. Whatever. It is your house too. He needs reminding of that.

Fuck the list. He can't make up rules like that and have you obey them.

Can you go to court and let the judge decode about the final settlement?

On Friday I agreed to take £4k less from equity in the hope it'll be settled soon & I can regain my sanity & freedom.
Runrabbit you're simply a with your advice.

Is there anyone with experience of a narc & court?

Narcs rarely fare well in court, particularly those who go against the advice of their own lawyers.

The unprincipled berk is attempting to exert undue influence over your dc by poisoning their minds against you and I would advise you to keep a record of what they tell you he's been saying to them. Are the dc getting any support/counselling at school?

The police are unlikely to be overly interested in what is essentially a civil matter, nevertheless I suggest you give the local copshop a call when you're in/at the property just in case an unwitting neighbour/ passerby reports a burglary in progress. Don't hesitate to call 999 if the twunt should appear unexpectedly and kick off while you're clearing the place retrieving what is rightfully yours.

Don't have any compunction about adding other items you may have forgotten/realise you need when you see them to the agreed list. As you've discovered the hard way, possession can be 9/10ths of the law and it's time for you to reclaim your power and start calling the shots.

As for "agreeing to take £4k less from equity in the hope it'll be settled", stuff that! There's no way you should take a financial hit unless you are willing to forego the full amount of what you are entitled to in order to obtain an immediate and legally binding settlement.

Draw yourself up to your full height, channel your inner warrior woman, make your mantra 'how dare he do this to me', and go gal!

I know 2 women who took abusive husbands through court.

Both cases the husband ignored legal advice, acted completely self-important and expected the court to believe every word he said.

Neither man has any contact with his children.

Best of luck OP. You're doing brilliantly.

Thank you my friends.

It's so hard.

It's only as hard as you allow it to be and it'll be a lot easier when you regain your power and stop allowing him to dictate terms.

Thank you for all your messages, good advice & support.

I have a locksmith, removal firm & family booked for a visit to the previous family home this morning.

Although I feel sick, I plan to take before and after photos, take what's mine & the stuff on the agreed list.

I know he'll be FURIOUS that I've been in, but even my solicitor said yesterday that if I leave it up to him I probably won't see any of my things again.

I need your help to be brave and hit the ground running - I need to avoid the weeping as I collect handmade kid's Christmas decorations etc.!

Sending you strength Teabay

Thank you

Best of luck! Also sending you strength.

You are being brave Teabay. Well done you for taking action, I'm sure it will go well today.

Go Teabay!

And once you've done it, ignore any calls from him and keep copies of any texts or emails he sends you
Documenting by photo sounds like a great idea

Wishing you all the luck in the world

"I would hire a van and man, get the door opened, take everything that will fit in the van and change the locks. He can ask you nicely for a copy of the keys. Get the police involved any time he changes the locks again. Make a point of popping in during the day to your house . Take stuff out, move things around, doing your laundry. Whatever. It is your house too. He needs reminding of that.

Fuck the list. He can't make up rules like that and have you obey them."

And if a woman stayed in the property and changed the locks (as is suggested on this board all the time) Would that be your advice to the male party?