Should I believe this? (Mental Health + DH)

[Wallpaperpasta]

Background:
DH and I have been Married 6 years.
3 year old DC1
DC2 due in December
Husband has anxiety and depression (both considered mild by HCPs) medicated, but has refused CBT etc or managed to get discharged on first appointment at counselling each time etc.
Husband has been distant and uninterested in DC and myself since I found out was pregnant (things weren't great before and I was very shocked to be pregnant!)

He leaves most of parenting to me and indulges himself in his various hobbies and interest (I currently get no time away from DC). If anyone criticises him or suggests he takes more interest in family he says we're picking on him and not helping his mental health etc.

After pretty much 8 month of him being incredibly self centred, selfish and unable to accept blame for upsetting me repeatedly I finally persuaded him to go back to counselling.

He comes back from the first session this past week looking positively smug and announcing they have suggested he tries out a new hobby!

Is this likely to be true? Would they really suggest a man with a heavily pregnant wife and already enjoying a lot of time to himself further endulge in another hobby?

(Name changed because I suspect he knows my usual name).

He's deliberately (and in a totally calculating way designed to selfishly perpetuate a home life situation which meets HIS needs only) torpedoing each counselling session so that he can continue to do what HE wants 'I don't have to go back, this is what they said, they said I should do a(nother) hobby'.

Unless you went to counselling together you'd never know what he was saying to the counsellor - or if he even went at all.

What Emma said here:
^• If you challenge me about my abusiveness, you are being mean to me, considering these other problems I have. It also shows that you don't understand my other problems.
• I'm not abusive, I'm just———(drug addicted, PTSD or whatever his condition may be).
• If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental illness, and you'll be responsible for what I do."^

I had that with my ex DP. He had PTSD and other issues - I never knew if the current outburst was him (just plain HIM), or because of the trauma that led up to the PTSD, or because of the trauma which led to the PTSD which together led to other relationship damaging problems. And you can be on a LONG road with that kind of situation.

IF they can fix it, great.

If they can't, MH problem or not, if the outcome of it is that you / you and your DD are getting damaged, not living life to the full etc because of the actions he takes that he shouldn't / doesn't take when he should, then regardless of if he's got a MH issue or not, your options are much less and then would have to start including planning to end the relationship.

And the third one of those bullet points is the one that really has you walking on eggshells or at least that's what I found.

Unfortunately many men show their true colours in pregnancy
this in and of itself is a bad sign, it tells you that when he comes across someone who is vulnerable and needs help his instinctive response is not to protect and help, rather it is to exploit

I'm so sorry OP. This man is being unbelievably cruel to you and your DC. Sending un-mumsnetty hugs and

However. georgethecat; you should be fucking ashamed of yourself. People like you who have 'worked in MH for 20 years' are the reason that MH provision is so poor. Fuck off with your stigmatisation.

Cockacidalmaniac not sure you read me right. I'm a user of services & a worker. Your experiences of services is not personal to me so please do not project your shit.

Also I did not personally cut funding this has been the government. I continue to fight for MH services as most workers I know do.

My point was - anxiety & depression can be very crippling this I don't deny. However, I've come across a lot of people including my ex partner who hide behind a self diagnosed condition meaning that they can do what the fuck they like - go out drinking, spending family money, being emotionally abusive and not support a partner with post natal depression. This was me by the way.

So fuck off to the far side of fuck.

My point was - anxiety & depression can be very crippling this I don't deny. However, I've come across a lot of people including my ex partner who hide behind a self diagnosed condition meaning that they can do what the fuck they like - go out drinking, spending family money, being emotionally abusive and not support a partner with post natal depression. This was me by the way.

As you said, don't project your shit.

Actually, cock .... George is not the only one calling this guy out on the way he is using his MH issues to act like a piece of shit to his partner

Pretty much every other poster has done the exact same thing. We can't all be "projecting our shit"

AF, that's been my position throughout the thread too. I just don't like George's generalisations.

there are quite a few generalisations on this thread, to be fair

sometimes when something is so blatantly fucked up, "generalisations" are all you have left

I'm bemused too!
I cant see why CockacidalManiac has singled out georgethecat since what georgethecat is saying is in line with so many others on the thread, including me

perhaps I'm missing something ()but I cant see any reason to criticise georgethecat

Ok well I providing the OP the benefit of my experience in a similar situation rather than using my problems with such to attack a random - quite different.

Yea we all seem in agreement so what's the problem.

How can I avoid generalisation - it's an Internet forum with vague questions & answers not to be analysed in great detail.

Everyone has a mental health, It's never an excuse to abuse because you will be effecting another's mental health.

Anyhow, done with this. Off to read a book (stress relieving hobby).

Wallpaper my DH suffers with depression, chronic pain and alcohol issues. We have been on the edge of splitting up. However, he has constantly worked and worked to overcome his problems: he has accessed counselling for his depression, which was linked to bereavement. He has accepted that his parenting of our teenage DDs has been inadequate and has changed - and because he has seen the results of the change (i.e. happier, more settled DDs) those changes are now permanent. And he is now seriously tackling his drinking, with support. This is what a real man with MH issues does. Your H is a narcissistic twat. There is no excuse for his behaviour.

Tell him to make his new hobby: Familiarising oneself with Rightmove

I know a couple very like you (15 years down the line). He had depression - they had 2 small children (twins). In order to cope with his depression, he announced that he had to pursue a hobby that involved lots of time away from home after work and at weekends (it was the only thing that helped him cope, apparantly). This meant the wife had to come back from her job, pick up the kids, look after kids, put kids to bed etc. etc. - because he needed to do his hobby or his mental health would suffer.

He then needed to move to the country (as otherwise he would get depressed). This meant longer commute for the wife (but not for him as he travelled with work anyway and wasn't based in one particular city). More stress, less support for her.

The woman in this couple used to be a successful professional. She ended up as a SAHM - not really out of choice, but because she was so exhausted doing everything on her own with no support. The kids are about to leave home and she's still a SAHM (who has become a sort of surrendered wife advocate - don't ask!).

I am really sorry you have to cope with all this OP. As you are pregnant, please concentrate on your babies for now - at the moment they are the most important thing. But then think about yourself and where you want to be in 10 or 15 years.

Honey it's you who needs counselling.

Berliner - That's actually scarily accurate!

Jerry - and why is that?

To try and identify why you have tolerated this situation for so long.

I don't mean this to sound rude at all but yes, it's perfectly possible that they advised him to do this, because their job is to support him with his mental health, not you with yours.

The question is what should he be doing? If he currently gives you no support, that isn't acceptable and he shouldn't use what his counsellor said as an excuse to place the burden entirely on you.

To help you recognise his behaviour as abuse, to start healing the damage it has no doubt done to your emotional/mental well being, and to support you in deciding what to do next and feeling strong enough to do it.

Last post was in answer to the question about counselling.

Thanks everyone.

And to help you fix the harm it will have done you.

Mine above another cross post comment re counselling.

Because OP. YOU have the problem. He doesn't, he is quite comfortable with behaving badly. You, however, are miserable (absolutely understandable). And as we cannot change others, only ourselves, you need to work out why you put up with this and what you can do about it.
He's treating you very badly and hope that you find the support you need to, well, ditch him quite frankly.

MH problems for his own benefit. It suits him well so why not.