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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abusive STBXH has called police

77 replies

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 29/10/2016 20:33

I'm in the process of leaving my H. He is abusive and violent, and the last few months while we've been separating have been horrendous, I feel pushed to the edge.
We're moving the week after next. Today H took DCs out so I could pack. He came home in a foul mood and started ranting that I hadn't done enough packing, and accusing me of having been with a man. There is no OM but H has refused to believe this and repeatedly accuses me of an affair. I lost it this evening and shouted at him, and swore. He did too. Some of this was in front of DCs, which I feel awful about. When they went to bed he started again - he had said I could choose which books go to each of us, then came in and said I was taking all the good ones - I had specifically checked about some before deciding. I felt I was losing it again and tried to leave to go for a walk, but couldn't find my keys. He had had them earlier and when I asked for them said he'd had the kids all day so I had to look after them now, and went out. He came in 15 min later and said he had called the police and told them I had thrown a punch at him! Which is a total lie. I'm downstairs and he's upstairs, I'm waiting for police to arrive. It's like living through a nightmare, please help me through this.

OP posts:

cookiefiend · 29/10/2016 23:45

If the police do want to question you- make sure you use your right to a lawyer. People don't bother when they haven't done anything wrong, but it is still really important and can help protect you.

PickAChew · 29/10/2016 23:47

Is your phone iphone or android? I'm sure that between us we can help lock him out of it

confuugled1 · 29/10/2016 23:48

Can't believe he deleted stuff off your phone!! Actually, I can.

Have you backed your phone up anywhere that you could get them back from? If so I guess the first thing is to check on your computer that they haven't been deleted from there too and if not, create a copy and save it elsewhere on the hard drive (under a different name, something really innocuous) whilst leavibg the original there in case your stbxh checks - and you'll spot if he deletes it down the line. And get a copy on a memory stick thats kept somewhere safe away from him.

And remember to tell your solicitor (and police if they arrive but not in his earshot) that he has done this - further evidence of how abusive and manipulative and controlling and unsafe he is.

If I was your friend and knew what he was like then I would want to think that you could ask me around for moral support. Even if you were worried about him kicking off. But i would make sure I knew what you thought what would be the best thing for me to do if he did kick off (tell him to grow up and behave like a grown up, look at my phone to avoid eye contact with him, pop to the loo etc) to not escalate the situation but I would want to help to give you some respite.

user1477282676 · 29/10/2016 23:51

Oh OP he sounds like a prize wanker.

Look to the day when you're in your own place...living life as you want to. You can close the door on this...literally...and know that he won't have the right to come in and be a shit to you.x

Original poster

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 29/10/2016 23:58

It's an I phone. I don't leave it for a second now, I don't go running in the evenings and take it to the bath with me. I don't think it's backed up. I just want to survive the next 12 days and get the fuck out, and start to rebuild normality for my DCs. I'm so ashamed I shouted and swore in front of them. I really want to be their safe parent.

OP posts:

ladyballs · 30/10/2016 01:06

Original poster

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 30/10/2016 06:43

Thank you ladyballs

OP posts:

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 30/10/2016 07:12

There is a program you can download to retrieve/restore deleted items from an iphone. I think it's called wonder...something. will do a search for you and come back later with the name.

abbsismyhero · 30/10/2016 07:17

Did the police show up?

Beebeeeight · 30/10/2016 07:29

Hope you are ok.

Can you stay in a cheap hotel til the move date?

Smellyrose · 30/10/2016 07:40

Can you and the DC stay at a friends for the next two weeks? I'd certainly help out a friend in this situation.

BoboBunnyH0p · 30/10/2016 07:55

Hope you got some sleep OP. Some great advice here please stay safe and update if you can so we know you are safe.

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 30/10/2016 09:54

The program is called Wondershare data recovery. I'm with the PP..can you stay in a hotel/motel until official moving day? he sounds horrendous and you must be so stressed about it all. stay safe.

Dawndonnaagain · 30/10/2016 10:39

Thanks all. He's quite enjoying it, said now I know how it feels.
My stbxh did exactly this last week. He was arrested in August, and I dropped all charges after six weeks because two of my dc (young adults with disabilities) were not up to a court case. There were provisos which he has admittedly sort of stuck to. However, I received a visit from the police last week and was interviewed under caution because he has counter alleged. I was (somewhat surprisingly) shocked at the level of cruelty, he won't drop charges but the police don't think it'll come to anything and tell me this is quite common. Ds1 said he thinks it's bitterness and a 'now you know how it feels' action.
Stick with it, I am having some difficulties, in part because I stayed for over 20 years, but last night I went out socially, something I haven't done for years and I stayed until late (for me) and my son picked me up, asked me all about it and then told me about his evening. We went home and had a cuppa together before bed. That is amazing because my goodness if I'd done that earlier in the year, I'd have seriously paid for it when I got home. I went out, I came home, it was nice. I never, ever thought I'd say that, I used to be scared of what I was coming home to, and that was even from the school run or the supermarket trip. I didn't really do going out other than that.
Wow! Sorry, rattled on a bit. The point is, stay strong.

Wonkydonkey44 · 30/10/2016 15:46

Wow I hope your ok,

Just wanted to let you know when my ex and I split up the closer we got to my leaving date the more abusive he became until one night I just had to leave . Hope your ok xx

Original poster

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 30/10/2016 16:37

I went out for the day with DCs. Arrived back a while ago knackered, lots of driving. STBXH said the police called and asked if he wanted me arrested. He has said no and gone to the station to withdraw his allegation of assault. I can't get hold of my police officer friend but am a bit about this - the police know his history and conviction for breaking my nose, would they not have come round last night? Even on Saturday and Diwali? Would they suggest arresting me without even speaking to me? I don't know what to believe.

I feel very vulnerable with regards to my job - even an arrest could have a massive impact, and at the moment I am in a temp post and going for a permanent position - it looks as though the application process will be right over my moving schedule which is pretty shit. If STBXH makes any more false allegations it could scupper me at work. I feel like I need to get out for the next 10 days but I don't want to leave DCs. My childcare is an au pair so going somewhere with all of them isn't really an option. Can't imagine STBXH will agree to go though my friend has offered a spare room. I feel a bit panicked, I know in my mind this is the most risky time but I couldn't imagine how awful it is.

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 30/10/2016 16:46

OP could you ring the police yourself and explain what is happening and that you're scared and he keeps claiming he will call the police on you and lie about it to get back at you?

You could do it on the non emergency number maybe?

I'd take up the friends offer but only if you can take your children with you. Under no circumstances leave your dc behind, even if you think it's a short time.

If the police call you or want to speak to you because of your stbxh allegations ensure you have a solicitor present. I've seen this happen to a friend of mine and she waived her right to a solicitor and the police were utterly shit to her kept her in for the maximum time they're allowed before letting her go. Was godawful.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2016 17:10

I'd regard anything he says with deep suspicion.

What do you think would happen if you called his bluff and told him you were going to police station yourself to 'get this straightened out'? If he said 'fine' you'd have to do it though, no empty threats. I don't know about the UK police, but the US police would arrest someone on a weekend or holiday once a warrant is sworn out if they felt there was a danger to the complainant. Normally in domestic situations they come on the run if the 'assailant' is still in the house and an arrest is made at the time. I guess I don't understand why, if your DH called and said that you had injured him and were still in the house, why they didn't show up right away.

Redglitter · 30/10/2016 17:15

I can only speak for how we deal with domestics. Officers don't just phone and ask if the complainer wants someone arrested. That's not how it works. A domestic incident wouldn't be left for almost 24 hours. Once a call has been placed about a domestic it can't be cancelled. Both parties need to be seen if nothing else to ensure their safety.

Seems very convenient he's spoken to the police 3 times when you've not been there to hear the call. Sounds like he's just trying to scare you

Offred · 30/10/2016 17:17

He's messing with you I think and I would ignore it but I think you should still go and report the hacking of your phone to them.

olives106 · 30/10/2016 17:21

Please just try to leave now. Go and stay with a friend or check in to a cheap hotel. He's only going to up the sadism for the next two weeks and I'm really worried you're in physical danger. The most dangerous time for women is when they've decided to leave an abuser. Please just get out, go wherever. I hate to think of you still there and him playing with you like this.

PoundingTheStreets · 30/10/2016 17:24

I think you should throw this right back at him, so that you're the one in control, not him. I would go to the police station myself and tell them pretty much everything you've told us here. If he has called them already, the information you're providing voluntarily will help the police make a decision about how to handle his allegation; one that will be far more in your favour than if you do nothing. If he hasn't (and I suspect he probably hasn't), you are creating an audit trail of how he has tried to manipulate and intimidate you throughout the process of your separation, which includes the inevitable fall out on the children, which may prove invaluable should you later come to have lots of disagreements about contact arrangements and the wellbeing of the children. It may also be useful to have evidence of his previous dishonesty, should a matter in your impending divorce come down to who is telling the truth.

Good luck.

Cary2012 · 30/10/2016 17:34

I think he's made it all up about the police, none of it rings true.

Your priority is getting you and the kids out of there asap.

Good luck

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/10/2016 17:52

Call the police yourself. Tell them you are worried about DH's erratic behaviour and that you've been waiting for them to arrive following DHs phone call to them, so when will they arrive? I bet someone will genuinely be with you in no time and he will get a good talking to.

Penfold007 · 30/10/2016 17:57

OP he's lying to you. Nothing to stop you speaking to the police when you have some privacy. Keep safe, you are almost free.

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