How seriously should I take his exes advice to me?

[YoJesse]

Before I start, its not about either of us feeling threatened by each other or her wanting him back. She seems like a really nice, straightforward woman and in different circumstances we'd probably be friends.

I've been seeing a man properly for a few weeks although we've been friends for a while. Things are going well and there's been no game playing or anything stupid. Just us having a good time.

I met his ex at a kids Halloween thing (we both have children) yesterday and we got chatting. I mentioned how involved and good he was with his daughter and she gave me a bit of a look and told me not to rely on those attributes too much and to keep my eyes open . I don't doubt she meant it as good advice but I think their breakup has clouded her view of him. I'm not looking for a new dad for ds but I'd like to think anyone I'm seeing would be a good Dad. He does loads for his daughter and they share contact so I'm not really sure why she said it or what she meant.

Would you take this sort of 'advice' to heart?

I'm definitely not moving in with him! Taking things very slowly. It's only because the kids know each other already and that's how we met (through nursery) that he knows ds IYSWIM.

They may have not been suited and he may have changed since then, it probably wasn't a great relationship and that was what she was inferring.

I would take note but I wouldn't write I'm off before he shows his true colours.

I wouldn't say anything to partner of any of my exes unless they asked directly and even then wouldn't alude to much as my view and experiences are terrible and possibly not fair if he has changed.

One of my exp was a horrible nasty drug induced cocklodger but he has changed for the better and not entirely amazing now but is better, I wouldn't want to deliberately cloud someone else's judgement of him unless they needed any validation of his treatment of them.

Just imagining the post that says "my ex has spoken to my new partner and told them I'm a bad parent. They believed them rather than me"

How would that go do we think...

Honestly? I think that you have bagged yourself a bona fide manchild.

Will manage on his own when he has to, but much prefers having someone else do all the hard work.

Haha, mariposa I wouldn't know what to say to any future gf of my ex. He wasn't horrible or abusive but definitely a drug induced cocklodger!

bill she never said that and to be fair he agreed he could have been better in their relationship.

I

I don't think she was trying to warn you, you made a statement that she simply disagreed with.

The only thing I can tell you is that if I were only seeing my child for a couple of days a week, I would be the absolute perfect parent, it doesn't take much to be when you are relieved of dealing with the nasty stuff, nitty gritty and only have to entertain your kids for a few hours a week.

The important thing is how he holds his own when he has to have them for 2 weeks in a row. My ex just dumped with son with acquaintances and got on with the life "he had to live". He was not very patient and DS spent most time being entertained by the computer. But if he only had him for the day he was absolutely fantastic (as long as DS was asleep at 7 so he could lock him in the house and go in nights out).

She's warning you - I'd listen.

The stuff you're describing (clean flat, holds gown a job, picks child up on time) are the baseline standard minimum of what you should expect. It doesn't make him dad of the year.

I'd be careful ...

I'm still listening 100% but why, if he's not much of a dad would he get involved with someone who has a son the same age?

Because he likes you. Which is great. But if someone's ex warned me I'd be listening.

why, if he's not much of a dad would he get involved with someone who has a son the same age?

Because someone who isn't much of a dad doesn't consider parenting a very time consuming/ burdensome task?

I don't know if that's true of your bf in particular but that would be the logic behind the concern.

Yojesse stop focusing on what he is like as a dad. What is he like as a boyfriend?! Does he take you out on dates he has arranged? Does he act in a way that makes you feel special?

Yeah, he makes me feel really special. He's sweet and funny. We don't go on dates as such as money's a bit of an issue for both of us but we go for lovely walks if it's us and the kids, and have fun just hanging out at his cooking and chatting and him playing my fav songs on his guitar if it's just us. It's lovely
It only sounds on here like I'm after a dad for ds because that's what I posted about.

why, if he's not much of a dad would he get involved with someone who has a son the same age?

Because it is not so hard to handle two kids, so you make lunch, both kids eat (man lies on sofa, "works" on his pc) woman tidies up after both kids eating. Woman settles both kids into playing. Woman puts both kids into the bath, woman puts on a load of laundry, and hang out, and fold, because it is just another outfit added to the wash....

So, makes perfect sense for him to find a woman with a child exactly the same age!

You are already doing it for yours, you might as well just add his into the equation!

I think we could all pick faults with our exes, I would say to my exes GF that he's got no patience. My ex is a good dad to the best of his ability but IMO his ability level is low. It's lower than mine and I don't like his parenting. But he doesn't like mine much as I am more of a lazy parent but very emotionally connected to the DC (because I think this is more important than what he thinks is important) and he is more of an active parent but has little emotional connection. Together we did not make good parents. Apart I suppose they get different things from both of us. He's very strict and I am not.

I think what's important is if your parenting is on the same page, and you respect each other. Clearly theirs may not have been.

What I am trying to say is horses for courses must be at play here, what works for you might not have worked for her. That doesn't mean he's a bad man. I would keep an open mind and just be careful - as we all should when kids are involved

I agree that some of the examples of him being a great dad are not things that would be cited as examples of being great mum!

If someone said of me "She holds down a job, keeps her house clean and picks the kids up on time" the response would be "So?! So does the rest of the world!"

He is a dad, end of so stop trying to convince everyone that he is some sort of superman!. What concerns me is that when people are at the start of a relationship, they put their absolute best face forward, and even when trying to show you his absolute best, he still describes himself as a bit lazy and immature. that says to me that the truth is closer to "extremely" lazy and immature.

After the discussions you've since had I'd just watch out for him being a bit of a "Disney Dad". Hopefully he has just realised what a selfish partner and Dad he was before and has truly stepped up to the plate and is now enjoying and engaged in parenting.

I realise what a crappy partner I was to my ex - I was quite young. It is possible

I remember an ex girlfriend of an ex boyfriend giving me a look. It stayed with me . She was working out whether to warn me or not. I could see her calculating the situation . She was a nice girl- nothing to gain from telling me but I didn't know what a total a hole the man was and she was working out whether it was worth possibly incurring his wrath had I told him what she said. The look should have been warning enough.
Sadly it wasn't and I learnt the hard way - people aren't always what they seem!

Does he pay maintenance? That was my first thought from her comments ie that he was a Disney dad who wasn't willing to pay towards the basics

So if it is just you and him you just stay in? You honestly sound like youve got such low expectations.

She said they don't have much money.

Don't worry, we find plenty of ways to keep ourselves entertained
It's honestly bliss, just low key happiness.

I'm sure he pays maintenance but I haven't asked.

He's a decent bloke and I'm sure I mean more to him than a new housekeeper /nanny.

I mentioned his parenting because seemed like safe ground to talk about in a bit of an awkward situation.

Maybe next time discuss the weather or something? The woman has just divorced him, I'd imagine the last thing she wants to do is stand around talking about how great he is. With his new girlfriend.