How seriously should I take his exes advice to me?

[YoJesse]

Before I start, its not about either of us feeling threatened by each other or her wanting him back. She seems like a really nice, straightforward woman and in different circumstances we'd probably be friends.

I've been seeing a man properly for a few weeks although we've been friends for a while. Things are going well and there's been no game playing or anything stupid. Just us having a good time.

I met his ex at a kids Halloween thing (we both have children) yesterday and we got chatting. I mentioned how involved and good he was with his daughter and she gave me a bit of a look and told me not to rely on those attributes too much and to keep my eyes open . I don't doubt she meant it as good advice but I think their breakup has clouded her view of him. I'm not looking for a new dad for ds but I'd like to think anyone I'm seeing would be a good Dad. He does loads for his daughter and they share contact so I'm not really sure why she said it or what she meant.

Would you take this sort of 'advice' to heart?

Hmm, I'm listening. astro I've already lived that experience with ds's Dad and really don't get a kick out of being the jaded martyr doing all the shitwork. It's really early to be assessing a new boyfriend for these abilities so I'll enjoy all the fun stuff at the moment but if things get serious I'll definitely bear in mind his exes words.

To his credit, he didn't get shitty when I told him we'd talked and didn't try to discredit her or even say a negative word against her.(not that I told him what she said).

My ex ' s OW praised him for being a good dad (not to me) when at the time he was lying to his family that he was busy at work, coming home every day after the children were in bed and going away for week - long "business trips" leaving me to do all the parenting while he went on holiday with same OW. They are now officially a couple and she wants children. I reckon he does like her more than he did me, but still think she is going to regret it if they do have kids.
I would not go out of my way to tell her that, but if she actually came out with a comment to my face about what a great dad he is, it would be hard to hold my tongue. He is nice enough to his kids but he is not a great dad.

Of course he's going to say he's changed! He's hardly going to admit to still being a lazy fucker, is he?

True .
But based on what I've seen he seems pretty great. He collects his dd always on time and knows what she likes, brings snacks for the journey back, his flat is clean, he holds down a job, and doesn't try and palm her off on family or anything negative. He come across as such a great Dad and he's so far a pretty good boyfriend too!

I'll be hyper aware for any signs of lazy fuckery though.

YoJesse, my XH created a Just Giving page related to a charity event he was doing for a cause close to his new woman and her DC. The accompanying blurb portrayed himself as supportive both emotionally and practically. I was furious, because our own DD's birthday had occurred just a few weeks previously, and he hadn't sent her even a card. He'd also ignored Christmas and given up seeing her, despite strong encouragement from me to stay in touch.

If your new man tells you his XW was mentally unstable or a bitch, run for the hills.

He always talks about her in a very respectful way. Big alarm bells would be ringing if he didn't.

I'd be careful about labelling greatness to things that should come as standard with parenting. I mean, collecting a child on time, giving them a snack, keeping a clean home environment, no one would be lining up to give a woman a medal for doing the same thing.

I was in the supermarket yesterday when another couple commented about a 'hands-on dad', all this dad was doing was carrying the baby around, FFS! Are our standards on male parenting so low?

Keep your wits about you, OP, have a look at the Man Who Has It All FB group to stop you falling into the trap of aspiring greatness to normal

You're describing really bog standard stuff as examples of him being "such a great dad".

No, he's just being a dad.

Anyway, you've only been seeing him a few weeks, it's far too soon for you to be able to tell.

To be fair to the guy, he could have said his ex was controlling and a perfectionist in order to paint himself in a better light. I think vigilance is all that's needed. Even if he sincerely wants to do better, old habits die hard and he will also need to be aware of signs of lazy fuckery (in himself I mean).

Finally I'd say beware low expectations. Just because your ex is a complete tosser doesn't make the new guy's behaviour extraordinary. Not palming her off on family is kind of the minimum spec (whilst noting from this board just how many dads fail even to achieve that).

I agree, its too soon for you to be able to tell, and it probably seemed strange to the ex that you were telling her what he is like as a parent (when she knows that far better than you?

I would listen hard to the hint she has given you - it seems like already you have spotted potential negatives but decided to brush them off as being cute - they might get uncute pretty quickly.

Im trying to be a bit more critical of what good and what great parenting is as my ex sadly set the bar pretty low. I still see the things I described as amazing dad stuff

We've known each other since before the summer as friends.

I agree with the others you seem to think his act is cute.I think you need to slow down if you been together weeks meeting his DD and your DS meeting him seems far too rushed. My DS DF was a waste of space left me to do everything and when he left me for ow I worked and supported DS. He's grown up abit and he has DS supports him but abit of a Disney dad. I think his DW thinks he's amazing dad but I don't think she knows the half of it, he's a serial cheat and at times bone idle. I heard he hasn't been faithful to her but it's not my place to tell her. I do get why his ex did if that was you saying that me I don't think I could of been as polite. They are due to have a baby so she might realise just how bone idle he is.

Yes I think your idea of a good parent is pretty skewed due to your ex. He's doing what he should be doing, just keep an eye out for anything starting to slide

I'm dreading being asked about exh by a woman. I would want to be balanced but tell the truth. He is publicly a good dad and very Disney dad on top. My long term friends see through it but strangers take a while.
If I was approached by exh new gf I couldn't sleep at night if I didn't warn her. I wouldn't go out if my way to contact them though right to privacy and all that.
I'm no bunny boiler as my most recent exp I could only praise even though I was gutted when it didn't go anywhere.

Op I would heed the warning

Hmm... your 3 weeks experience of him as a dad, versus her 3 years experience.

I think she was probably remarkably restrained in her polite warning.

Why are you taking what his ex has said so much to heart? Most imperfect people have experienced relationships ending with faults on both sides. What were her contributions to the relationship ending then? Not forthcoming on her part? It was all just him then?

Unless he's thrown out some obvious red flags, I think he deserves to be judged on where he is now. Judging anyone by their previous relationship mistakes is unfair. I think she was massively out of order saying anything to you. If she felt so strongly that there was something "to keep your eyes open" for, she should have had conviction enough to spell it out for you. Not planted a thread of doubt which has caused you to question this man's character, before he's had any chance to demonstrate who he is. Different people find different things harder to live with after all is said and done. Be cautious as you would dating anybody as a single mum. No more, no less.

I'm not dismissing her experience of him at all. I mentioned his parenting because seemed like safe ground to talk about in a bit of an awkward situation. It's not like we'd start comparing how he is in the sack!!

I'm taking what she said to heart because I can't help it but also because I can't always trust my own judgement. I've been a pretty poor judge of character in the past and it's helpful to take other people's opinions. He seems great so far.

So far people are always on their best behaviour in the beginning

You can't unhear what she said, so you may as well keep an open mind about why she said it.
It's easy to be fun dad. But day to day organisation and care and attention when you'd rather unwind is the stuff that makes a genuinely good parent.

I'd keep what she said in your mind. She doesn't sound malicious, she was warning you to watch out.

I had to smile a bit when you said she might find some of his traits annoying that you find sweet. I thought the same about some of my DH's traits but the very things I found sweet, really irritate me the most now.

Hmm my DH's first wife "warned" me that he was lazy, feckless, selfish and his habits would annoy me given time. This was 10 years after they had split and he was bringing up their kids solo whilst holding down a full time job. If I had listened to her I may have missed out on the most caring, dependable and laid back man you could hope for. I don't think she was bitter (she had remarried herself) so not sure what all that was about. But then I am very different to her.

"I can imagine her getting frustrated with his character traits I find quite sweet."

This rang so many alarm bells for me!

You have only known him a few months and been with him a few weeks. Listen to what she said. Take things very slowly and decide for yourself but don't rush to move in with him or anything

Maybe I'm just blinded by love and lust. I tend to dive headfirst into things but I'm really doing best to keep a level head for the sake of ds. Also, like I said before she seems really nice but very different to me. Maybe we'll click better.