Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being used or does he care

69 replies

Blushingm · 26/10/2016 20:11

Been friends with guy for 3 years, been sleeping together all that time and yet in his words I'm not 'Mrs material'
I've met some of his family, I've met his son, I've spoken to his mum on the phone and by text - she always says she wishes she knew me better. His family all know who I am and that we aren't a couple

I know he chats on plenty of fish. He said he really liked one girl and was really down when she wouldn't meet up with him.

We've both always said we are going to be friends for life but that we won't ever be together . I don't think I'd ever be able to cope with living with him but the thought of him with someone else crushes me.

Is he using me for sex and company til someone better comes along?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 26/10/2016 21:08

I'd miss him so much

He promises if he gets a gf we will still be best friends - am I a mug? I want to believe him

OP posts:
PinkSquash · 26/10/2016 21:10

You're missing more by not finding someone emotionally available to you right now. He's a shit if he knows how you feel and yet carries on.

AnyFucker · 26/10/2016 21:14

Yes, you are a mug

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/10/2016 21:18

The big issue as I see it is that while you're sleeping with this guy who, to be fair, has been perfectly frank about his position, you're robbing yourself of the chance to meet Mr Right. You could do so much better, so get out and do some OLD yourself. Find a man who's proud to be with you and who wants a LTR.

SoleBizzz · 26/10/2016 21:21

You won't be his best friend. He isn't now. He treats you badly. He us using you. Life is experience and we sometimes learn the hard way. Maybe you need to be dumped by him to learn to respect yourself better.

DeleteOrDecay · 26/10/2016 21:32

If he gets a girlfriend then chances are he will ditch you. His girlfriend probably wouldn't want someone he used to sleep with hanging around, if that makes sense?

It must be really hard for you, but I promise you will find someone who will want to commit to you.

Original poster
Blushingm · 26/10/2016 21:33

But what if there's no one out there who would want a LTR with me? I'd be on my own, never having company or sex or hugs

OP posts:
category12 · 26/10/2016 21:42

What's to stop you dating and seeing this guy at the same time? He's doing that.

Also work on your self-esteem.
Also there are worse things than being alone.

TheNaze73 · 26/10/2016 21:44

He's using you purely for sex. He's categorically said you're not Mrs material.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/10/2016 21:48

You've got bigger problems if you are fat & old & boring. There's nothing exciting or interesting or attractive about me I don't actually believe all of that.

For a start, you know you are excellent in bed.

Old is very subjective. I bet you aren't even over 50.

Fat is fixable. If you want to fix it. The fact that you've mentioned it probably means you do want to change it.

Interesting usually comes from going out and doing stuff. There's loads of stuff in the world to do. What do you think would make you interesting? Do that.

If he's good in bed, I'd keep the FWB arrangement while working on all of the above.

DidyouseeEthel · 26/10/2016 21:49

He's keeping his options open so you should too. I don't think you'll still be 'best friends' if he meets someone else - I wouldn't like it if my DH was best friends with an ex.
Did you think of yourself as 'old, fat and boring' before he started messing you about?

CleverQuacks · 26/10/2016 21:50

I disagree with some of these responses. There is nothing wrong with two people being friends and having sex as long as both parties are happy and comfortable with that arrangement.

From how you describe it he is being completely honest about his relationship with you and so I think he probably does care for you. But, as he says, only as friends.

The problem is if you want more or if this friendship is holding you back and stopping you meeting other people. Why not continue being friends (with or without sex) and date? He does the same so it may work for you.

Original poster
Blushingm · 26/10/2016 21:56

I've always felt fat & boring - more recently old

I'm trying to make myself interesting - I gave up my secure office job to train as a nurse, I do go and see other friends too and my family when I can. I try and work too but none of that makes me very interesting

He says he feels guilty talking to other women - he only really tells me when I can tell he's feeling down or if something's bothering him. I will chat to men but I can't seem to go through with going on a date with any of them

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 26/10/2016 21:58

Runrabbit- you made me laugh with the excellent in bed comment - suppose I can't be that bad if he keeps inviting me back!

OP posts:
DraughtyWindow · 26/10/2016 22:25

Please work on your self-esteem before you enter in to a relationship. If you can't love and respect yourself, how do you expect anyone else to love and respect you? You are responsible for your own happiness remember, that's your job. No one else's. Look up co-dependency... Flowers

Myusernameismyusername · 26/10/2016 22:33

He clearly doesn't make you feel sexy or attractive either so I don't think you are getting much out of this apart from avoiding apparently loneliness which I can promise you isn't that bad unless you decide it will be.
And you don't need a bloody man to make you feel good you should do it for yourself!
I don't understand why people don't leave something awful simply because they don't want to be lonely. You can't die of actual lonliness nothing awful will happen to you if you are single for a while.
He will ditch you eventually so why not choose when to go and promise yourself you make changes for yourself to feel good again!

Humblebee1 · 26/10/2016 22:38

I'm more concerned that you don't seem to care op. What are you doing freely allowing him to string you along like this. Please find yourself before you end up in a very trick situation that won't be so easy to walk from.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 27/10/2016 07:43

You seem, just in this one aspect of your life, to have completely taken your hands off the rudder.
You are hoping that he won't find someone else rather than you having any power to determine what you can have, and more positively, going finding someone else yourself.
You are capable of change ( job)
You are capable of maintaining a relationship
He isn't, he doesn't deserve you, not the other way around..and if you really really want this half hearted insulting , emotionally unempathetic commitment phobe for a partner you still have to Ind someone else to make him jealous and realise how stupid he's being.. but if you do find someone else.. consider keeping them instead because if you have to go to those lengths to get someone to realise their own stupidity..ahhh..I just couldn't be bothered with a life that complicated and demeaning.
Be glad he has shown you who he is, now you can move on without guilt.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 27/10/2016 07:44

Find, not Ind

ChuckBiscuits · 27/10/2016 07:46

I've always felt fat & boring - more recently old

Don't we all love.

The thing is, the more you are spannering around with this bloke, the less you are open to new opportunities.

So leave him be. Go have some adventures. He may change his mind of course but by then you may have found someone who actually values you.

PoldarksBreeches · 27/10/2016 07:51

When he gets a proper girlfriend he will drop you like a bag of shit.
You need to concentrate on other friends and get the confidence to try dating yourself. Move yourself out of this man's orbit.

Cary2012 · 27/10/2016 11:03

This arrangement (it's not a relationship) suits him, but not you.

He's been honest from the start.

Most women looking for a relationship would have the self respect to run a mile at the dismissive 'you're not Mrs material' comment.

Instead, you're settling for the crumbs, because either you think that's all you deserve (sad) or you think you can change him. You can't.

Being on your own, treating yourself with self respect is better than you you feel now. You could put up with this, feel increasing more used and watch the years tick by, until he finds "Mrs Marriage Material'.

Or you could run for the hills and start living a happy life.

ladyformation · 27/10/2016 11:31

He's been completely honest, so I think PPs are being harsh on him. A FWB relationship is, IMO, neither better nor worse than any other relationship - it completely depends on what the partners need and what makes them happy. With this in mind, he isn't using you and he may well care. There's a "friends" in FWB.

You say that you can't go through with dates - why do you think that is? If it's because you feel fat and old and boring (which you should not, btw!), then why not keep him on the side and get out there to find your marriage material (or whatever you're looking for)? If it's because you're really hoping that your FWB relationship becomes something else, then I agree that you should chuck him and get on with the rest of your life.

SoleBizzz · 27/10/2016 12:00

You are going to feel so low, down, used, doubting everything he said, did, his behaviour and tricked! The only person tricking you is you!! You are betraying yourself. The worst betrayal of all.

adora1 · 27/10/2016 12:13

He told you are not worthy of being his gf or his wife, he won't introduce you to anyone and this has been going on for 3 years.

Sorry to be blunt but yes you are a complete mug if you are hoping to be anything else other than a shag to him, he has told you this!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.